


The only time (that I'd ever call you mine)

by lightwavesurfer



Series: Evil's Soft Touches [3]
Category: K-pop, Real Person Fiction, TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Erotica, F/F, Sin incarnate, Slow Burn, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-09-02 11:48:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 58,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8666347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightwavesurfer/pseuds/lightwavesurfer
Summary: “Have you ever desired a customer, Myoui?”Myoui Mina was greedy by habit. Hirai Momo mistook attraction as hatred. Both of them weren't really right on the head.





	1. Slut Garden

_I only love it when you touch me, not feel me_  
_When I'm fucked up, that's the real me_

_The Hills - The Weeknd_

 

It didn’t start this way.

Momo wasn’t sure when it started, or even how it got this far. There was never any conversation, and certainly never any sort of action; not even a passing hello at the hallway or a brief acknowledgment of each other’s existence. Yet, even still, the attraction was there, nailed firmly in the back of her brain like a bad remembrance.

Her eyes followed the tip of her finger as it traced the rim of the glass, flickering to watch the dancer in the center of the club. The dancer across the floor wore a simple red wig, styled to look wavy and draped to the right shoulder. A black thong, a bra glittered with fake diamonds, and six inches heels were the only article of clothing donned by the dancer as she began running her hand on the smooth expanse of her thigh.

Momo swallowed harder when the dancer’s red lips kinked upward to form a smirk before stepping down the stage and sashayed her way to the back room, a skeevy middle-aged man was following behind.

“Shit,” cursed the voyeur, as she watched the dancer disappeared behind the thick curtain.

Momo hated clubs, and yet she’s here.

Music blared through her body, shaking and rattling her bones. Green lights flashed with the rhythm of the beat, disorienting her even more as the alcohol started taking control of her.

“You can just ask her instead of looking like a serial killer waiting to slaughter someone,” teased Minseok, the bartender.

It was tempting. But no. Momo would never do that.

She drained the last drop of her drink and slapped the glass on the bar. Tossing a couple of notes, Momo made her way out of the club.

When she made it to her car with a short, despondent exhale, Momo hastily turned on the heater to chip away the freeze. Another shaky breath as her shoulders slowly relaxed, feeling like she hadn’t taken a breath since leaving the club.

When she caught her face in the rearview mirror, Momo had to pause. Running her fingers along her face, Momo couldn’t recognize the reflection who stared back at her.

It looked raw. _Hungry_.

Thoughts began to bubble on the back of her brain. Slowly, then simmering to an ache. Momo breathed again. The car hummed to life and left a dusty trail as it went off the curb.

Momo bit her lip hard, fingers curling tight on the steering wheel, futilely trying to cease the sinful memory off her mind. Harder, harder, until there was a taste of copper. Bitter, bitter, copper. It lightly coated her tongue as she licked her wounded lip, and her mind was playing tricks again…

_What does your blood taste like?_

*

The immediate smell of jasmine forced Momo to look up from her lunch. Mouth pursed tightly as she chewed her food as someone pretty, petite, and smiling flopped down on the seat across from her. The chair scratched the floor again when the person in front of her pulled into the table.

Myoui Mina was daintily holding her fork to pick on her salad, her designer bag set aside on the empty chair beside her.

“Um,” Momo drawled, more like growled, fingers put the chopsticks down.

“Yes?” Mina’s voice was too calm and smooth, which riled Momo more than the girl wanted to admit.

Momo tried again. Breathing deeply. “There are other empty seats.”

“Yes, I can see that,” was Mina’s answer, with the same nonchalance and a simple flick of her wrist as she tucked her hair.

The cafeteria was usually the most crowded place in this academy, but lunchtime was almost over and most students already prepared for the next class. The usual cliques were around, though: the faces of smart students Momo’s pretty much memorized, the lazy ones that sneaking a nap between vacant hour, and the jocks who are laughing too loud for Momo’s taste.

Really. There were a good number of vacant tables around.

Momo returned back to the intruder. Seriously. She had to stop staring, but Mina was here, eating her lunch like it’s something that came out from the country’s best gourmand.

“Can I help you with anything?”

Unsurprisingly, Mina asked her first.

Momo had lost her appetite. It was infuriating how the very existence of Myoui Mina could mess with Momo’s biological needs. “Nothing. Just… looking.” Her voice was lower and clear, each syllable articulated with dripping venom that’s impossible for any normal person to miss the obvious disdain.

“Like what you see then?” Mina asked and Momo was absolutely sure that this girl was just playing around. “I’m sure you like it. This place is brighter than the club anyway.”

Momo stiffened from the seemingly harmless statement as her stare grew sharper. If she focused on the dark spots on the table’s red cloth, then maybe she could try to control her breathing next.

“I’m surprised to see you there. You don’t look the type to visit a strip club,” Mina chirped, now resting her chin on her palm, and looked straight at Momo.

“You also don’t have the look of a stripper too,” Momo jibed, unable to stop herself from talking.

“Life is full of surprises,” was all Mina said. They stared at each other. Momo was begrudgingly admiring how long and thick Mina’s lashes were. And Mina was giving Momo a saccharine-fueled smile—enough to send Momo’s heart to a raging pulse. Momo was the first to look down.

“Why?”

Mina sighed and rolled her eyes like she’d received this kind of question before. “Because it’s fun, and the payment is good. Nothing like one on one time with Seoul’s finest degenerate,” she groaned at the last part, leaning over to pick the fruit.

“Your family is not that poor, Myoui,” Momo idly muttered as she tried to busy herself with the paper napkin.

Mina caught the flash of Momo’s eyes, only for a brief moment. Her mouth curled as she picked on the fresh strawberry.

“I can’t always tap onto daddy’s trust fund all the time. I need to be independent too.”

Momo raised an eyebrow. “So you find another daddy to feed you?”

A jolly laugh escaped from Mina’s throat, and Momo felt heat creeping on her neck.

“It’s really good money though. And no, they’re not allowed to touch me in there. We’re just…” Mina shrugged, lips forming a shy smile.

“…what?” Momo trailed.

Momo caught a brief flash of silver against the row of white teeth as Mina grinned—a kind of grin that exposed her gums and was innocent enough to be mistaken for a smile of the sinless. Momo knew better.

“Curious?” Mina asked back, now bringing the fig to the lips. Afternoon light etched on her soft features, casting a shadow over her face that reminded Momo of that damn club.

“What makes you think I care?”

“No, actually, I know you don’t care about me, Momo,” Mina said, tonguing the fruit—relishing the sourness before taking a small bite. Either she’s flirting with Momo or just enjoying the fruit, it was very hard to tell. “You’re just showing your pretty face in the club, watching me from afar. Never bothered to say hello. I mean… that’s just _rude._ ”

Momo could tell Mina was baiting her for a very obvious reason. It’s as if Mina’s sole existence was to seduce anything and anyone that moved—gender and sexuality be damned. It made Momo think of the green and red lights in that dark room, and the sway of Mina’s hips as she danced in the howling of hungry wolves.

The slut garden.

Now. The half empty cafeteria. Talking to Mina. Mina caressing the strawberry with her lips.

Her red lips…

Momo shivered.

“Color me intrigued, Myoui. What do you do for your lonely patrons in those rooms? Not as boring as singing them to sleep I bet.”

Momo cleared her throat. If Mina wanted a game, she’s going to get it.

And Mina never backed off from the challenge. She leaned back to her chair now, posture relaxing as she crossed her legs, giving Momo her full attention.

“The room was small, round, with a sofa going around the edge. And there’s a table in the center.”

The way her voice was lulling around those words made Momo shift on her seat. The older girl was folding her arms on the table and straightening her back, breathing softly through her nose. Momo noticed that Mina was observing her, eyes twinkled in a mild amusement that’s not too difficult to miss.

“Then… I pretty much do anything they ask me,” Mina finished with a less than caring tone on her voice.

“Anything?”

“Without touching me,” Mina added, craning her neck to the side as she lightly scratched the skin there. Five pale fingers smoothed down along the collarbone, caressing, _feeling_ …

No response.

Mina narrowed her eyes at the lack of reaction.

“Why can’t you just be more straightforward, Momo? Being mysterious doesn’t suit you,” Mina sneered.

Momo narrowed her gaze and paused. She didn’t have to take that bait. Mina was just messing with her head. She uncrossed her legs, picking up her lunch tray, and walked off to the counter.

“If I want to know, I can go to that room myself,” she muttered under her breath.

With that, she walked out of the cafeteria to attend her next class. Momo didn’t need to look back to see if Mina was still staring at her.

*

The air inside the car was heavy as Momo tilted up her head so the lips were touching her neck instead. The secluded spot was on the hill that overlooked the city and Momo wondered if people were being robbed while having sex here. Eh. Not everyone was born lucky.

“Jeong, I’m tired,” Momo sighed into the empty air.

Jeongyeon didn’t stop kissing Momo but the pace was a bit reluctant now. She stopped completely and gave Momo a confused look. “You don’t want to?”

Momo resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “I’m tired. And besides today is the first day.”

Jeongyeon had a dubious look on her face. “Your schedule changed?”

“Well don’t blame me because I have a heavy flow. Girls don’t have it easy,” a bit too snappish but this was one of those times when Momo felt nothing but annoyance for her girlfriend.

“Right, sorry,” Jeongyeon relented, lost the fire. She tapped on the steering before letting out a sigh. The car revved and carefully ventured down the hill’s small trek. Both girls didn’t spare a word to each other. Momo, especially, had her mind wandering to a particular garden where the sinners quenched their thirst.

If thinking about how crazy she was towards Myoui Mina was a sin, then yeah, Momo was a sinner.

It had nothing to do with feelings. It’s just attraction, and it didn’t mean that Momo liked it. She hated it, which was irrational because she didn’t even know Mina that well but she had a very strong emotion for the girl. Momo sometimes asked herself if she was crazy, and decided that maybe she just hated Mina for no particular reason other than… _what_ , envy?

What’s there to envy about Mina anyway?

“You look like you’re about to eat someone up,” Jeongyeon joked with a small chuckle. Momo blinked and realized that they’re already in the city now. “Cramps really that bad?”

Momo didn’t pay attention to Jeongyeon as she realized that the car was entering a familiar neighborhood. The flashing neon sign was like a creation of Asmodeus, glaring back at Momo, trying to lure her in deeper.

“Stop the car.”

“What?”

“Stop here.”

Jeongyeon glanced at Momo. “Why? Your house is still far.”

Momo wasn’t in the mood to argue. “Just stop here, Jeong.”

She hated lying, but Momo wasn’t right in the right now. Something was bothering her, like an itch that refused to go away, and Momo knew she would go crazy because of it. Her skin was pricking everywhere.

 _Drug_.

She needed her drug.

The car stopped near an alley and before Jeongyeon could ask, Momo leaned over the gear shift and kissed the girl on the lips. A simple peck. Not too deep. Momo wanted to give her lips to someone else tonight.

“See you later,” pushing out the car, Momo didn’t wait until Jeongyeon left for she had one track mind of where she wanted to be.

The night was cold but that garden was hell.

She’d burn in _there_.

*

A guest in a sleek suit stood up from one of the tables. Taking off his wedding band, he slugged his way over the dancer, spilling his drink onto the floor. It was a common occurrence, not the first, or the last time she would see something like that. This gentleman had been eyeing with nothing but lust all night and, just like any patrons here, his intentions were to stay and indulge in debauchery.

She didn’t need to say anything for the man was gladly following her to the other side of the night club. His mouth forming a sloppy grin as he pointed at the room on the far right corner. The dancer sighed. That room wasn’t her favorite.

 _Well_ , she mused, _work is work._

“Come on,” he grinned and opened the door, holding it for her to enter. Cigarette and alcohol were all she could smell from him; and one look closer she noticed that the man had a very greasy hair, which also meant that his hands were probably sticky with… _whateverthefuck_ he’s putting on.

And just as she was about to walk in, someone pushed her harsh until she almost fell face flat to the floor. Before she could process the situation, she heard a loud slam from behind her. She didn’t expect to see her here— or now for that matter.

“Momo? What are you—”

She trailed off, noticing the older girl was more interested in observing the interior. The area had a round booth style with velvet sofa around the edge. There were blue sequin textures spanning on the walls, reflecting the light from the disco ball. Neon magenta lights were cascading the room in slow meters. In the center, a silver pole drew out from the floor and up to the ceiling. And Momo finally had her eyes on her.

The theme was different tonight. Mina was wearing a tight, white blouse that’s unbuttoned so it showed her diamond-perched bra. Two black garters garnished her slim legs, stretching up to a deep blue thong with a lace trim. Her eyes were painted black, just like the hair on her head that shone dully like wings of a black swan. Lastly, she wore a leather band around her neck. The silver pendant twinkled.

“What are you doing here?”

Something was different about Momo’s demeanor, and Mina could tell this was going to be different from their usual banter.

Momo sat, waited, didn’t even give Mina a food of her thoughts. The music was ebbing and flowing in the background. Nobody dared to break the silence.

“If you’re here to argue, you better leave. I’m at work now.”

Two bills landed near the tip of Mina’s heels. The dancer was stunned.

“Then work.”

If Mina was surprised, she didn’t give Momo the satisfaction by showing it.

“Pardon?”

“Work. Dance,” Momo waved her off.

“Are you—”

Momo held up another bill between her fingers, eyes looking hard and giving no response.

Her knees dropped to the floor, kneeling and wincing, in both disbelief and amazement. The music echoed and she stood, placing her hands on her chest, her hips moving in a circular fashion while her back arching. Mina was confused, but she was also curious and embarrassed—something that she’d never felt in front of any of her clients, not until now. She turned her body to face away and peeked over her shoulder.

Momo was still looking at her.

“You really look like an angel.”

Mina almost moaned at how harsh Momo’s voice was. It wasn’t her routine to get aroused, especially in this kind of work and towards a client.

She breathed deeply. Swaying her legs around the pole and began moving up and down. “I can be your angel, if you ask kindly.”

The older girl reached over and slid a bill into Mina’s garters, eyes never wandering away from the dancer’s face. “You must be telling this to all your clients.”

The side of her leg felt like burning, and Mina had to steel herself from shivering. She laced her fingers against the cold steel, legs coiled around it. With a trained move, she slowly spun her body around the length, halting and swaying her hips along. She slid up the pole before glided downward, legs parted wide for her client to see.

“Only to special people.”

“How many people?”

Mina stood on her full height, still holding onto the pole. “It’s not your business, Hirai.”

Momo narrowed her eyes but said nothing. She fished another bill and slipped into the garter, this time taking her time to brush her fingers against Mina’s thigh. The gesture didn’t go unnoticed.

“Do I turn you on?”

Momo slumped back to the seat. “Not really.”

The deep bass thrumming from the speaker swallowed Mina’s humorless laugh. She ended on her knees again, running palms up and down her thighs. Craning her neck up, she drew her hands up her shoulder, slipping down the blouse to show more of her skin.

“That’s new,” Mina husked, “the thought of me touching myself for your pleasure doesn’t turn you on?”

“You can say it like that.” Mina bends over, giving Momo a nice view of her crotch. Momo groaned. “ _Fuck_ … you’re cheating, Myoui.”

A grin appeared on Mina’s face. The lights sharpened her feature. “There’s no fun in playing fair. Not in this life, anyway.”

Mina would never say that having Momo looking at her like this was making her feeling different spectrums of emotion now. Momo’s expression was still a mix between loathing and odd sort of curiosity as well as something carnal. Mina hadn’t taken off all her clothes but she felt like she’s underdressed. Momo’s eyes were too dark, too disarming.

“You’re mocking me.”

“No,” Mina breathed, leaned in so her face was paralleled with Momo’s. “I’m breaking rules tonight.”

“Rules of what? No touching?”

Momo didn’t flinch when Mina’s cold hands landed on her face. She didn’t even move when Mina’s legs were planted on the side of her hips.

“Close.”

Mina’s breath was hot against Momo’s lips. There’s almost no distance separating their lips. Just one little push and the distance would be gone. The dancer’s eyes were a shade darker when Momo looked up.

Eyes of the black swan, looking at them too long and you’d never want to see anything else.

Momo could empathize.

“Touch yourself,” Momo commanded.

Mina's brow furrowed slightly and paused trying to read what the other girl was thinking. Momo's eyes shifted downward to the girl's hips and rested there. Mina hesitated, sighing as she moved her hands down her body.

Mina paused before moving part of the lower fabric away and sliding a finger against her sensitive skin. She shuddered and her neck arched from the sensation, lightly massaging her folds. Eyes fluttering. The scent of the air, teasing fingers, and Momo’s eyes watching her caused such unbridled pleasure. She gasped before her breathing became heavier.

When Momo squatted beside her, Mina found herself panting. She couldn’t stop herself.

“Have you ever desired a customer, Myoui?”

Mina opened her mouth, attempting to answer but let out a raw moan instead. “Y-yes.”

Momo nodded, still keeping her hands to herself. “If I, let’s say, touch you now. Put you out of your misery, will you let me?” her voice wavered to a mere whisper as Momo leaned closer, “I want you _so fucking much_ , Mina. Been feeling this for a while, it drives me crazy.”

Mina chuckled. Eyes hooded and biting her lips. Getting off on something that’s not remotely a dirty talk was weird, but it’s Momo who’s talking now. It’s different. “No. You hate me.”

Oh lord, was that a smirk? Mina couldn’t contain her screams. She was just so close…

“I am. Isn’t weird?”

“N-no… oh fuck… If you hate me… t-then it’s your—” Mina’s breathing was getting more labored. Eyes pinched shut, Mina could feel it’s getting closer. “Momo… Momo…”

But Momo was cruel. She really hated Mina because she grabbed Mina’s hand and pulled it away from the writhing girl. The look on face was cold, hard, unforgiving.

“No please! I’m close! Don’t do this to me!” Mina begged, tears looking like they’re ready to fall down. She thrashed to free herself from Momo, hips thrusting against the floor to look for a friction for her burning loin. “Momo! P-please…”

Momo moved in closer to the girl’s face, nearly touching. Mina went still, mouth hung in heavy breathings.

“I don’t know what you’re doing to me. You’re messing with my head all the damn time!” Momo hissed, pulling Mina closer, “I wish I could hate you, Myoui Mina.”

With that, Momo swatted off Mina’s hand away and turned the handle of the door, walking outside. She heard a start of a frantic moan before the door closed.

A satisfied smirk curled on the edge of Momo’s lips.

_Revenge tasted sweet._


	2. (Un)holy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comment. Keep em coming, folks!  
> Enjoy this chapter.

_Taste the whip, in love not given lightly_

_Taste the whip, now plead for me_

_Venus in Furs_ _–_ _Velvet Underground_

 

The nights Momo would finish her shift late were when she would stop into the club for a drink. She had plenty of other places to visit or just hanging out with Jeongyeon, but she didn’t have any desire to. Not when she couldn’t think of anyone else.

 It was a start of an addiction.

A single dancer appeared on the stage, hidden just out of the red spotlight. She wore tall, black stockings that covered up to her mid thigh, capped with black, striped garters. The girl was clad in her usual silver thong and colored bra, and today she’s wearing a blonde wig. Long black gloves were covering her slender arms and came up just below her bicep. The same leather band was still around her neck.

Momo’s throat bobbed when the dancer started to move.

She stepped into the crimson gleam with a roll of sensual sigh as she moved along the catwalk. The men in the front rows howled their hungry cries for attention and rained money at the girl. Her hips moved together with the crawl of the music, heightening the already bubbling tension.

Red lips curled to a smile, the dancer strutted in front of the voyeurs, very slowly swinging one leg in front of the other as she peeled the gloves. Long fingers lazily played with the front hook of her bra, teasing the crowds even more, before she stuck her hips backward. Mouth opened in an anguished sigh, she arched her back and ran one finger down her body—starting from her full lips, making its way down between the hard lines of her abs, and stopping just at the base of her hips.

And she was falling into the trance. It was as if the dancer was trying to get grip of the gravity. Looking at everything and nothing at the same time. Her dark eyes scanned the crowd idly until they locked to the back of the room, _to a certain someone_ , and the dancer smirked again before looking away.

Momo choked as another familiar burn coiling down her spine. She watched the dancer brought her hands up to her neck and caressing herself, ghosting fingers along the collarbones and up to her fake hair to pull it lightly.

She hung one shoulder and slipped one of the straps off. Eyes never taking off from the figure at the back of the room, the dancer arched her neck out and gave an anguished sigh, fingers crept up and pulled the rest of her bra.

As the crowd exploded in myriads of howling, red hood fell from the ceiling and landed on top of the dancer’s bare chest. She put the cowl on, swaying her hips in a slow, circular motion that drove everyone—including Momo, to the brink of insanity. More cash was shoved into her garters as the girl stuck her leg out.

Momo turned away and slapped the shot glass to the table. Minseok took the cue and refilled it with another. The clear liquid went down without a single hitch, not even a wince. Momo gripped the glass a bit too tight, hard enough to break it. Mina’s face nailed firmly on the back of her brain as Momo started losing her stance in reality. She didn’t know if she could survive this.

“Take my advice. You should ask her,” Minseok offered.

Momo growled, not really knowing what to say.

“Sorry, but you have to admit that she’s really good up there huh? Sharon is the best dancer this club has ever had.”

Sharon was Mina’s name. This was a slut garden where people could become someone else by pretending. Everyone was lying here.

“Sharon…” Momo tasted the name on her tongue; let it roll on over lips in a low mutter. _Sharon, Sharon_ _…_ Myoui _Sharon_ Mina.

The name tasted like heaven _._

Momo held the glass up so Minseok could pour another drink. Momo didn’t care if she would shoot a hole to her liver as she downed another shot.

“Taking a liking to Sharon, I bet?” quipped Minseok.

“She’s… pleasant to… look at,” Momo said slowly, her voice started to sound dazed.

“Yeah. She’s very beautiful. I always find myself looking at her when I’m not too busy.”

Momo gave Minseok a sharp glare, a warning of some sort that Momo didn’t understand why she’s doing it. The bartender, fortunately, was sharp enough to understand what Momo meant.

“Jealous?”

“Your job is to turn people to be alcoholic, not ogling on the company’s property.”

Minseok snorted and leaned on to wipe on the bar.

“You sound bitter. Someone killed your dog?”

The alcohol dulled the usual bite in Momo’s voice and the girl preferred to watch the stage instead. It was a different dancer now, black hair, a bit older, with more curves and all smiles, but unfortunately she’s _not_ Mina.

 “Put it on the tab,” Momo muttered to Minseok and walked her way out.

If it’s not Mina, then the show wasn’t worth any of Momo’s attention.

*

Momo never liked schools. No, she _despised_ it.

The crumpled test paper was bright red with big Xs and messy scrawls, and Momo was sneering at each X with a heartfelt fury. An E. A downgrade from the last test, but seriously, an _E_ for _world history_?

She’s going to burn this paper tonight, possibly doing some tribal dance while doing so. Asking Jeongyeon to come over didn’t sound like a bad idea either.

Momo shoved the paper into the furthest dimension of her backpack and stepped out of the bathroom. The hallway was jam packed with students, which Momo really despised because she had a small body and it’s no secret that students here were walking like elephants in a stampede.

“Momo, wait up!”

Jeongyeon struggled to catch on while holding a stack of book as she walked out from the classroom. The halls were already full with student chatter and banging lockers.

“Lemme help,” Momo took some books from Jeongyeon, earning a tired grin from her girlfriend. “Where should I take these?”

“Library. We go there first then we can grab a lunch.”

Momo nodded. She’s not in the mood to talk, so she just followed Jeongyeon and listened to whatever her girlfriend said as they walked. Momo didn’t pay attention to Jeongyeon as her imagination was much more interesting; it mostly kept her sane most of the time, and enough to distract her from thinking about a certain someone.

Momo wasn’t ready to dodge when a student running onto her. Half of the books collapsed to the floor, one even hit Momo on the toe. The girl hissed in pain and annoyance; those books weren’t exactly light.

“Careful, you ass!” Jeongyeon yelled and fell to deaf ears.

Momo sighed as she wasn’t in the mood to scold anyone. So she kneeled when someone already swooped down next to her and started gathering her books.

Many people in this academy wore a jasmine-scented perfume and Momo couldn’t find an excuse how she knew it was Mina. She just knew.

“Momo,” Mina acknowledged simply as she handed the last two books to the girl.

Jeongyeon stood between them and gave both Mina and Momo a curious look.

“You know each other?”

Mina was always polite because she offered Jeongyeon a quick smile before looking back at Momo.

“We’re… friends,” was all Mina could supply, “how are you, Momo?”

Momo was about to respond but she remembered who Mina was—their relationship and everything else in between—and looked down.

“Fine,” Momo remarked offhandedly, picking on her jeans.

“I heard you got an E in history. Was it really that difficult?”

Momo resisted the urge to groan. She didn’t want to know how in the world Mina got that information.

“An E?” Jeongyeon asked, “I know you hate history, but an _E?_ You could’ve told me if you want to study together.”

Momo didn’t need tutoring. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, bangs flicking to the side. “Why should I care about Holy Roman Empire or whatever?” her cheeks puffed as she stomped her foot, which Mina and Jeongyeon found the gesture adorable. “I live in 2016, I don’t need to learn anything about something that’s neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. History and I are not meant for each other.”

“I guess this E will go down in a _history_ of your worst subject.”

Momo slowly, _very slowly_ raised her head to look at Mina, who’s staring at her innocently. Jeongyeon was trying not to laugh but she was covering her mouth, and Momo could see Jengyeon’s shoulders were shaking.

“You know what?” Momo growled, stiff and angry, “fuck you.”

Mina took it as an invitation because her mouth curled as she muttered, “When?”

 She shoved her way past Mina, their shoulders bumped rather harshly and made her way through the packed hallway, not even bothering to look if Jeongyeon followed her.

“You don’t need to be that angry,” Jeongyeon finally caught up to her and gave Momo a look. She messily pushed up the books closer to her chest. “Mina’s just teasing you.”

“Teasing is limited to friends. Mina’s not.”

Momo winced. Her voice sounded strangely indifferent like she’s trying to keep whatever she’s feeling locked up tight.

“She’s not?”

“No,” Momo reassured. She didn’t have the time to think about it. “I’m hungry, let’s get this over with.”

Momo wasn’t completely lying. She and Mina weren’t friends but Mina was _something else_ , and that’s what made everything more terrifying.

*

It had been a week since Momo had stopped visiting the nightclub, only attending school and working on her shift in a restaurant near her apartment. God knows Momo tried to keep control of her life. She hated school but she had to graduate or else she’d stuck flipping burgers for the rest of her life. Momo still hated world history and, unfortunately, had to retake another test in order to pass this class.

The rooftop was devoid of people except for Momo, who was ruefully gritting out dates, names, and curses under her breath. Her bag was set aside together with her notes, transcripts, and a bag of potato chips and empty cans of soda.

The words on the papers began to form blurred lines. Bored, she closed her book and lay down.

4 pm sun was warm against her skin. Momo should have been doing something more interesting now. Like dancing or sleeping. She gave the sky a forlorn look as she took a deep breath, distracted by the cloudless sky and something else that she would never want to address. Her hair was fluttering against the wind and Momo let herself drifting.

Jasmines. Her nose was filled with jasmines. Then lavender. And maybe some cigarettes.

Momo sighed, opening one eye.

At first, she expected to see a familiar, smug face hovering above her. Instead, she was greeted with a view of a scantily clad crotch.

“You don’t know how to greet people normally, do you?”

Mina was looking down at her, face taut with a brooding expression engraved on her pretty face. Her feet were planted on both sides of Momo’s head, wide enough to give Momo a nice view of what she wore under her skirt.

“Normal is boring,” Mina chaffed with a sharp look on her eyes like it’s the only expression she knew. “What are you doing here?”

Momo was still staring at Mina’s crotch, only covered in a thin, black silk thong. A sorry excuse for an underwear and Momo had to lick her lips as she realized that she was _this close_  from tearing Mina apart.

But Momo wasn’t an animal. She had controls, and she preferred to keep her humanity for today thank you very much.

“World history exam is tomorrow,” Momo’s voice was incredibly controlled, but her fingers were starting to get stiff from clenching too much. “And I need to save my barely three-point-oh GPA from falling deeper into the abyss.”

She watched Mina observed the mess around her. The disgusted wrinkle on Mina’s nose was actually cute if Momo wasn’t so focused on fantasizing about running her hands along Mina’s long legs.

“History and you get an _E_. Tragic, Momo.”

Momo’s eyes widened when Mina slowly leaned down to pick the book. Body heat and jasmine grew closer. Nose twitched, Momo steeled herself to keep her breathing short but _jesus fucking christ_ , she was literally facing Mina’s crotch like she was about to—

“Now I’m  sure that you exist only to make my life miserable.”

Momo’s voice came out almost carnal. She sniffed and almost moaned at Mina’s scent. She almost went short-circuit when Mina purposefully swaying her hips. Things were going out of control. Whatever game Mina’s playing was working.

_Or was this really a game?_

“That’s a rude accusation, Hirai. You’re the first person to tell me that,” Mina’s voice was regal, demanding for obedience that Momo pursed her lips tight and swallowed hard on the gross stickiness at the back of her throat. “You don’t mind I borrow your pen for a while, do you?”

Momo hummed. What else could she do? Momo heard a rustle when Mina rummaged her bag. She watched Mina’s silk underwear, and her mouth opened slightly to blow at the center. Momo heard Mina mumbling incoherent, but did not stop doing whatever she’s doing. And Momo was delighted because she blew a bit harder, fingers reached up to caress at the damp skin behind Mina’s knees.

“Jesus, Momo…” Mina was shivering above her while Momo traced a finger on the line of Mina’s panties.

Hirai Momo never felt so aroused at the mention of her name before. She tried not to notice the obvious bumps on Mina’s skin, or how hard Momo’s own breathing as she inched her face closer to Mina’s inviting mound. Where the mossy fragrance smelled thickest. A tone of fertility, as if to say: plant something inside here and it’ll grow beautifully.

“Why are we doing this?” Momo couldn’t stop herself from asking. Something shameful burned up in her chest, her mouth was just a breath away from reaching that pleasure. _But that would never do_ …

“As you are already dying in barely three-point-oh GPA and you hate history as much as it hates you, I have decided to do a charity to help an idiot peach to pass her class.”

Momo would be grateful without the sarcastic quip because her brain wasn’t in the place to think of something clever to counter that. There wasn’t enough air and Momo was sucking it all in with her red, ragged mouth. The rooftop became suddenly too hot and, without warning, Mina turned around and now was straddling Momo under her weight, her legs wrapped around Momo’s slender waist and tried to keep her balance. Their faces now just a hair apart.

Momo was mesmerized. The sun had shifted, and Mina’s forehead was glazed in orange; shiny with sweat, and Mina was looking at her. Eyes opened wide, surrendered fully, so bright under the thick lashes.

There, _it was there._

As every nerve in her body soared higher into the trance, the slanting viciousness she often found in Mina was gone, leaving the raw beauty of her youth to shine through. Wild and rough. Filled with the smell of jasmine and sweat.

Momo could kiss Mina. She could slip her tongue between Mina’s red lips and bit the flesh of Mina’s mouth. Tasting the blood, stealing air from Mina until she was blue and breathless. _Oh yes,_ she could just do that.

But Momo turned her face away from Mina. Her hands were lying uselessly on her side. Momo couldn’t think and, for whatever reason, it was harder for her to control her emotions when Mina was around. Angry and humiliated, and that was nothing compared to flames Mina had ignited up with her deviant sexuality.  

“You’re not helping.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

Momo glared at Mina now, irritation boiling within her.

“Is this a game for you, _Sharon_? Do you think you can just jump on people and play them as you wish?”

“It is more fun that way.”

A wry smile curled on Momo’s lips. “I’m _not_ your toy.”

“Would you like to be?”

Momo was tongue-tied, again, and she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to kiss or slap Myoui Mina senseless.

“Mina,” Momo said with a voice that’s too calm amidst the growing tension between them, “my shift starts at six. I should go.”

And Mina shifted to the side with a half-hearted shrug and stood up, straightening the wrinkles on her shirt with unreadable expression. Momo watched Mina as she tottered away from her, like a swan with crippled wings, hair covering her face and a wobble on her knees, Momo was finally able to breathe. Her nose perked at the remaining scent of jasmine.

Momo picked her book, noticing that Mina had left important notes in some of the pages—and a simple message.

_Meet me in the club after you pass this class._

*

Momo got her result three days later.

The club was still loud and wild with howling cheers. Momo drank to the music, easily downing each shot from the wide trays and let herself immerse into the pleasure. The place was still dirty and smoky, and Momo’s throat tightened as she dunked another shot. Nervous for a reason she didn’t want to acknowledge.

Seconds later, she understood why.

Mina was making her way to her from across the dance floor with her blonde wig and the fake diamonds on her bra reflected the flickering red lights. Mina was beautiful. In her underwear, under the sun, amidst the crying sinners, as she made her way to Momo—eyes only for Momo.

_Only looking at Momo._

Momo pulled the test paper up. A bright blue B+ in the corner.

Mina didn’t even spare a glance to the paper. Her eyes were wide and dark.

The delicate image of Mina before her took the breath away from Momo— it’s as if electricity fueled the air and slowly fried her senses.

This place was a cesspool, and she liked it here.

“Got a present for me?”

“Not for free, unfortunately.”

Momo wasn’t in the short of money. The bills floated onto the floor as she threw them to Mina’s direction. The stripper, however, didn’t seem offended by the rude gesture. She looked like she’d been expecting it.

Their dynamic was a power trip, and neither of them was willing to submit.

“Now, listen to me _very_ carefully. You’re going to take me to that room, get naked, bend over, and you’re going to touch the _fucking_ floor so I can see how _wet_ you are for me. Got that?”

Mina’s eyes were burning with her lips slightly parted. She was breathing so hard now but of course Momo would never know. Holding on to whatever flimsy self-control she had, Mina took Momo’s hand and flushed their bodies close.

“With pleasure.”


	3. Are you?

Great escape lost track of time and space

She's a silver lining climbing on my desire 

R U Mine? – Arctic Monkeys

 

This was a surprising feat, to feel something so overwhelming about someone you’d never paid any attention before.

For now, she chose to stay quiet as she had been through difficult trials living outside the comfort of her parents’ house and juggling between school and work—although she’s still confused as to why she felt this way. She had friends; she had Jeongyeon. They had always been there as supporting actors to her physical and mental maturity through difficult times.

But this one was different.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone so bad. There’s nothing underhanded about having a strong emotion about a particular someone. And yet Momo was stuck in the middle of a conundrum on this game of obsession. While the dominant part of Momo wanted to despise Mina, the other was craving in hunger. Mina was a trap made from honey—sweet, delicate, intoxicating and Momo couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t resist the temptation.

Because if this was about sex, the problem could have been solved a long time ago for Momo had access to quench her aching hunger, one way or another.

Momo took a sip of her soda, slender fingers cupping the cold tin can. It was afternoon, and the school decided to do a random fire drill. She stood on the back, watching the students with less enthusiasm than a barely awake sloth. The weather was humid as most students were fanning themselves with their notebooks or papers. The girl sighed. She never found any of them interesting.

The brunette on the side of the courtyard was a different case.

Myoui Mina was talking with someone—Im Nayeon if she’s not mistaken, face turned away from the sunbeams, silhouettes shaping the contour of her face, and Momo forgot about the crowds.

She wouldn’t go there first, of course. Momo was never the first to take action, so she just observed.

Mina looked like she’s close with Nayeon because they exchanged pleasantries with laughter and Nayeon would give Mina a playful smack on the shoulder. Mina had her posture straight; her shoulders were staunch and unyielding, something that made Mina stand out from other girls in this academy.

Momo kept observing.

When Mina turned to her, Momo didn’t make an effort to acknowledge the other girl. There was something about Mina that unsettled her; something about her red lips and the twinkle in her eyes. And Momo couldn’t help but wonder what Mina had in mind about her.

Mina was actually a special student. She’s beautiful, smart with a three-point-nine GPA, ambitious, good mannered—an almost perfect mary-sue if Mina wasn’t working as a stripper for fun.

And Momo wanted to bail because Mina ambled with a purpose with her feet taking long strides to get close to Momo. Jeongyeon was yelling through a megaphone, instructing the students to gather in the main lobby for a roll call, and Momo should be paying attention but her throat was tight all over again and she was utterly, madly confused.

“Hi, Momo,” Mina said, sweetly. Friendly enough.

Momo’s smile was stiff, a sad attempt to sneer. She just nodded. Mina wasn’t easily intimidated because her lips were still curling, a glimpse of silver peeking from the row of her teeth.

Momo smelled jasmine.

“It’s hot today,” Mina began with her hand wiping the sweat off her neck. Momo observed. “I don’t understand why they always pull this drill randomly. I mean, they can do this after school’s finished.”

Momo shrugged. “That’s the point of a drill, I guess? Accident is never predictable.”

Mina was smiling again and Momo felt hot all over. She blamed it on the weather.

“Do you ever drink anything other than soda?” Mina stood too close without asking permission, and Momo stiffened for a brief second. “You seem to drink it often.”

“Is there something wrong with it?” Momo muttered, irritated at nothing in particular.

Mina hummed. “You’re obsessed with it and you know what, Soda is not good for your bones. There’s an article about it but I—”

Momo pressed her hand onto Mina’s mouth, just to shut the girl from talking, and regretted her decision a moment after because she could feel Mina’s warm breathing on her palm—how soft Mina’s lips were or how surprised Mina was looking right now.

Knots tangled in Momo’s throat, as she pulled her hand from Mina’s face. Shy. Hesitating. And Momo almost had an aneurysm when she noticed a faint pink dusting on Mina’s cheeks. It took a second for the younger girl to compose herself, and soon a familiar smirk curled along her kissable lips.

“You’re getting bolder now, Hirai,” Mina ventured, casually, and swept the can from Momo’s hand, drinking the content in healthy gulps. Momo had her eyes trained on Mina’s bopping throat—lord, things she’d do to have a taste of that skin made Momo questioning her sanity. “Your hands are calloused, might need to use some lotion.” A sweep on the lower lip. “And don’t worry. Calluses are a turn on for me.”

“Are you always this cheeky?”

Mina cocked her head. “I thought I was complimenting you.”

“Your flattery is not my idea of flattery,” Momo huffed as she tried not to look at Mina’s exposed collarbones. It won’t do good for her self-control.

“Who else have told you that your calluses are sexy?” Mina threw a glance to Jeongyeon near the entrance before giving Momo a mocking smirk, “I don’t think your girlfriend appreciates them either.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” Momo almost yelled, almost wanted to glower on Mina, and it would have been felt really great if Mina was at least scared by it. But no. It took more than that to make the sex goddess Myoui Mina afraid. Momo should’ve known.

“Then tell me about yourself,” Mina was serious now Momo almost found it funny if she wasn’t too overwhelmed by the scent of sweat and jasmine. “I’m not just a sack of meat you always think I am, Hirai Momo. And I know a chef’s pay doesn’t cover for strip club and alcohol,” Momo blinked when Mina pushed a finger onto her chest, “I’m sure we both are civilized adults and capable at a mannered conversation.”

Momo almost sneered at the statement. “Telling you my secret is like giving you a free pass to mess with my head. and I plan to keep myself sane until I graduate thank you very much,” she finished with a huff and spun around, unable to keep herself together the longer she stayed too close to this girl.

“You think I won’t do the same too?”

Momo stopped. Oh. _Oh._

Mina’s fingers were around Momo’s arm. The same fingers that curled around the steel poles in the club every night. Their grip wasn’t as strong and Momo could swat them if she wanted to.

She didn’t.

“I’ll tell you something about myself too, if you think it’s fair,” Mina shrugged, still holding onto Momo.

“What makes you think I want to know?”

Momo was just bluffing and she hoped Mina couldn’t see past her faux façade. She was never good in masking emotions after all.

“Just guessing,” Mina finished, biting her lower lip and staring at Momo with a look that’s enough to make Momo felt hot, again. “I’ll be at the greenhouse after school. You can come there if you want.”

Momo’s mouth ran faster before her brain could process the absurdity of the situation as she yelled. “Why not now?”

Mina stopped on her track and gave a sidelong glance over her shoulder. “Because the drill is over and I have a class in five minutes,” she pointed behind Momo, which the latter promptly ignored, “patience is a virtue, Momo. I’m not going anywhere.”

Mina’s smile was white, like a figment of imagination Momo could never shake off. She remembered the dark hallways, the colorful lights of the clubs, and almost groaned at her own dirty fantasy.

She’s definitely going to hell for this.

*

The greenhouse was a riot of life and colors.

It was humid; the air smelled like soil, flowers, and herbs. Momo went in and shrugged off her jacket and her cap. She came here on her own, which, if she was in the right mind, she would curse herself for being too easy. There were plants Momo had never seen before, flowers like roses and gardenias; she stepped onto the pathway almost too carefully while keeping her eyes preoccupied to the scenes before her.

Mina’s faint reflection behind the dark window prompted Momo to venture deeper into the house. Careful for not stepping onto the bush, Momo walked in and saw the young woman wearing a pair of boy shorts and white, thin shirt with her hair rolled up to a messy bun. Momo waited near the entrance, preferred to watch the black swan taking care of the rose bushes.

“Hello,” said the swan without looking to her guest. “You sure took a sweet time to get here. Taking a detour?”

Momo shrugged. This academy was huge and she admitted that she hadn’t had time to memorize every nooks and corridors— including the existence of this greenhouse.

“I never know this school has a greenhouse.”

Mina chuckled. “They told us about the school’s facility in orientation. You’re there weren’t you?”

Momo winced. She remembered that she woke up really late that day and tried to sneak her way into the main hall, only to have the prefects caught her and she had to spend the rest of her day in detention.

“I have a short-term memory,” another excuse rehearsed out from her almost too easily. The air was slowly suffocating her. “So are you the president of botany club or something?”

Mina’s thighs were clad in sweat and dirt as she stood up, glistened in orange as the sunbeam glossed along the skin. “Yeah, and also the only member. Gardening is not exactly what ‘cool kids’ do after school.”

Momo almost laughed. “Some cool kids here don't do stripping as their part-time job either.”

Mina smiled. She sat on a tall, white stool under the rose arch; her legs crossed and faintly shaking in an effort to find balance. The swan breathed in and craned her neck to the side, exposing more skin for Momo to see. Lashes fluttered close in a soft bliss.

“I don’t know if you can’t talk to me without tacking insults in your sentence,” Mina spoke with a voice that’s loud enough for both of them, “but beggars can’t be choosers, right?”

“That’s what you do, Myoui.”

“And don’t say that you didn’t enjoy it, Hirai,” Mina cut in. “Don’t say you don’t like it because I’ll gladly throw a shovel at your face to make you remember.”

There’s nothing in Mina’s demeanor that showed Momo what the girl was currently feeling. Mina was still Mina, calm and collected.

“Whoa hold it, Natasha. Assaulting a student will get you to trouble,” Momo deadpanned.

“Natasha?” Mina blinked.

Momo almost rolled her eyes. “Natasha Romanova? Black Widow?” Mina was still looking at her with a blank face. “The Avengers? God please tell me you read comics.”

A pretty pout appeared on Mina’s lips as she flustered at Momo’s harmless teasing. “Comics aren’t really my thing.”

“So what’s your,” Momo made a quote gesture with her fingers, “’thing’ aside from gardening and—” she stopped herself to mention that word and quickly replaced it with, “pole dancing?”

“Ballet and video games.”

A tingle of amusement sparked in Momo. “Ballet?”

“I don’t have the look of it too?” Mina sneered back.

Mina was wearing sandals and Momo trained her eyes on the latter’s feet, noticing some of Mina’s toes were crooked. Most people saw ballet as the dance of beauty and grace, little did they know that ballet demanded raw strength and precision.

“No,” Momo laid a finger onto her lips, “I always appreciate ballerinas. They’re so beautiful, elegant—precise, and also strong dancers. It takes talent and practice to become one and you,” Momo waggled her finger to Mina’s direction, “you are one of a kind.”

“Was that supposed to be a compliment? Should I swoon?”

“If you’re thirsty for attention, you should, but I believe you’ve heard that a lot from daddies, right?”

Mina threw herself off the stool and stomped to Momo, putting her face close to glare at the other girl. Momo could smell a mix of fruit and cigarette as Mina spoke.

“You say one more word and I swear it’s not only a shovel that’ll fly to your face.”

And, as much as she hated to admit, Momo liked riling Mina. Probably because Mina knew how to hit back as hard and Momo rarely found such quality in most people she knew.

Mina made her smile. “Aww, little miss perfect is angry?” Momo held up her right hand to Mina’s chin, examining the girl’s face.

The garden was brilliant under the afternoon sun, and Mina’s face was detailed with moles—specks of dirt, dry sweat, and very pretty. Momo traced them for a little experiment and noticed a shuddering pulse under her fingertips.

It was curiosity, surely, Momo couldn’t think of anything else. Her thumb was on Mina’s bottom lip, pressing down until it parted and Mina’s breath was hot against Momo’s knuckles.

“What are you doing?”

Mina’s voice was breathy, enough to make Momo almost fell on her knees. Momo leaned onto Mina, and very lightly let her lips travel down her damp cheek. The scent of jasmine blended together with sweat. A delicate fragrance of passion and beauty. Her other hand was on the small of Mina’s back, the tips of her fingers shaped with the dimples in symmetry.

“Getting to know you.”

Momo pulled Mina closer and allowed her hand to rest on Mina’s slim waist, palming the thin fabric, itching to taste the skin. Mina was faltering, holding onto Momo awkwardly as if she’s trying to keep her balance. Her breathing came out in heavy, slow puffs; her breasts perked and pressed firmly against Momo’s. A soft moan escaped from Mina’s mouth at the soft pressure of Momo’s lips on her throat—and Mina had such a delicate neck, thin and pale, easy to snap.

Momo’s mouth ventured deeper into the nook of the swan’s skin, a hand reached up to undo the knot of Mina’s hair, letting dark locks slipped between her fingers. Momo tasted Mina, tasted salt and earth on the tip of her tongue. There’s a sharp intake of breath; Mina was trembling beneath her touch—the black swan had fallen into the devil’s snare.

“Kiss me…” Mina choked, “kiss me now.”

Momo kissed Mina on the sharp line of her jaw and held her laugh. She knew Mina hated this part. This was Momo’s favorite.

“Why?”

Mina threaded her fingers in Momo’s hair, blunt nails scratched at the scalp as Momo sucked on the spot of her neck, teeth bared to graze the skin.

“You’re seriously—oh god, Momo…”

Momo’s knee easily found Mina’s crotch and a groan rumbled on Momo’s chest when she found Mina already soaking, so fucking ready for Momo. As she looked up, her gaze was locked onto Mina’s cherry red lips, gaping and breathless, ripe for the taking.

“Momo, please…”

Inside, Momo was laughing. Bitterly.

Weak, she cussed. You are weak.

Momo surrendered to the temptation, surrendered to the smell of jasmine and wet, hot lips.

The familiar rush purred within her, rose in her body and filled her when their lips finally pressed together. And Momo felt like she’s falling into the abyss. She never knew that she’d been craving Myoui Mina so bad because she couldn’t think of anything else but Mina. She backed Mina up until the girl was flushed against the wall, holding Mina with such gentleness Momo never knew she had.

Another kiss took place, slow and messy, passionate and unsure, mingled with hunger as Mina let out a broken sigh through her nose, her fingers buried on Momo’s face as if Momo was the only lifeline she had, hips rolling against Momo’s knee in rhythm of their kisses.

Momo allowed her hands slipped underneath Mina’s shirt, stroking the damp skin with care and let out a surprised groan when she felt a cold metal tacked on Mina’s bellybutton.

Myoui Mina and her surprises.

Both of them didn’t give a damn if someone put this school on fire for they’re already lost to each other, desperation moving in slow rhythm of shaping lips and colliding tongues, senses went numb and nothing was matter anymore—

God, they’re nothing but a bunch of fucked up people, weren’t they?

Momo pulled away from the kiss and watched Mina with chains coiling her lungs, the glint on her eyes were sharp under the beaming sunlight. Mina’s gaze was dark, hazy. Momo was mesmerized at what she saw. Myoui Mina was here, in her arms, flushed red and ready.

“Why did you stop?” Mina inquired, voice thick with arousal and other things, as she blinked out of confusion. “Momo—”

Momo brushed her fingers against Mina’s lips.

“This is why I don’t want to be alone with you,” Momo quivered as if she had experienced a great tragedy, “You… make me do things I never want to do.”

“…what?”

Momo couldn’t say it, not when Mina was looking at her like that. She took a hold of Mina’s shoulders and pushed the girl away, clapping a hand to her own bruised lips. Momo felt shame brimmed in her. She’s not supposed to do this.

“We can’t do this. It’s… it’s just wrong,” Momo muttered, still holding her lips.

“Wrong? We didn’t—” realization finally hit Mina as she stood rigid on her spot, eyes shot up, no longer in hazy lust but in raging fury. “Are you blaming me for that kiss?”

“Do I really need to explain everything here? Even if we didn’t kiss, this is all just wrong, Mina,” Momo’s mind was racing with the wild pulse of her heart.

“What makes you think I’m responsible for that? You came here, you insulted me, you kissed me first. Tell me why I become the wrong one here?”

“You’re just playing with me,” Momo hissed, “you’re messing with me, Mina.”

“And you’re just a gutless hypocrite!” Mina fired back, shaking her head.

“I’m the hypocrite?”

“Yes because you know very well what you feel about me!”

Another wave of shame gutted Momo. Hard. “I’m not the one taking my clothes off in front of those fucking degenerates, _dear_ Sharon,” Momo gritted through clenched teeth.

“And I’m not the one undressing me in their head when I even have my clothes on!” Mina snapped.

Momo looked away. She was still covering her mouth as if she tried to keep Mina’s kisses in place. But she knew this was wrong. Because she had her reasons. Because there’s something going on between them. Momo couldn’t think of anything. Not even an excuse. She was lost.

“Momo,” Mina tried, speaking slowly with a slight tremor in her voice, “look at me.”

She put her arms around Momo, feeling the older girl stiffened in place as Mina pulled in for an embrace. But it didn’t last long because Momo quickly pushed Mina away from her.

“You…” noises was polluting Momo’s mind as she whispered.

“What?” Mina inquired. She brought her hands to Momo’s face, framed it gently and stared into Momo’s shameful eyes.

Momo took a shaky breath. Then, she clamped her fingers around Mina’s wrists and shoved the girl as far as possible.

“Don’t you ever touch me again.”

Momo walked into the exit. Each step echoed with the swelling ache on her chest. She should be relieved after getting rid of Mina and yet she couldn’t figure out why the thought of leaving Mina alone seemed so wrong.

The smell of jasmine was still lingering on her.

Instead of Mina, it reminded Momo of her mistakes.


	4. Smoke and Mirrors

It made us believe that it was only us.

Convinced we were broken inside.

 

Earned it – The Weeknd

 

Myoui Mina was everywhere.

In the mouths of the teachers, talking about how smart she was. In the mouths of the jocks, mentioning how hot she was. In the hisses of mean girls, in the laughter of the skaters, in the giddiness of the underclassmen. They talked about Mina with sparkles in their eyes, with sweet compliments rolling from their tongues, with obvious admiration and crush that was nauseating.

Mina was everywhere around Momo. Mina was in Momo’s body, red lips curled on her neck and wires around her lungs.

It was Momo’s fault for being too obsessed with Mina. The attraction was wrong from the start and yet Momo gladly plunged herself into it. Like a little moth flying around the fire—got too close and the fire would gladly consume you.

Momo wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings until she felt a light nudge on the shoulder. Blinking whatever nonsensical thing that’s clouding her mind, Momo looked around and found Jeongyeon walking beside her.

“Going to work?”

“Not really,” Momo replied with a shrug, “I’m just walking around.”

Jeongyeon didn’t miss the obvious discomfort in Momo.

“You look stressed out,” Jeongyeon reached out to press her hand on Momo’s forehead, then smiled gently. “I know a good coffee place near here. Wanna come?”

Momo nodded, almost too eagerly.

“So how’s your day?”

Momo peeked at Jeongyeon from the corners of her eyes. The small talks were making her nervous for some reasons. She just hoped her face was hard enough to hide the brewing storm inside her mind.

“Spectacularly boring.”

Jeongyeon nodded, looking a bit disappointed at Momo’s short answers.

“I have a lot of things to do in the council. You know about the upcoming music festival right?” Momo nodded and Jeongyeon let out a frustrated sigh, “man, I never know organizing an event can be such a pain.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage.”

Jeongyeon unconsciously took Momo’s hand as they’re about to cross the street. Momo’s fingers twitched for a lapse second. She’s glad Jeongyeon didn’t notice that.

The shop was full with students as they arrived. Jeongyeon pulled Momo through the bustling people and picked a table in the corner. Jeongyeon was talking to the waiter while Momo waited in silence. She didn’t particularly like doing anything (Momo even hated drinking coffee) but she needed noises to dampen the thoughts inside her head.

“I hope you’re not too mad because I ‘abandoned’ you for a week.”

Jeongyeon was playful and Momo appreciated the gesture. A small smile crept upon her lips.

“Somewhat.”

“Ouch,” Jeongyeon faked a hurt, “that’s cold Momo. I thought you love me.”

The statement was simple but the wires around Momo’s chest tightened. Momo loved Jeongyeon, but never once Jeongyeon made a pass on her mind for the past days, which made Momo wonder whether her feelings for Jeongyeon were valid or not.

“I love you,” Momo talked, lied—more likely. She had to squeeze her hands together under the table to keep them from shaking. “It’s not like I’m going with someone behind you, right?”

“Huh, like you would dare,” Jeongyeon teased, “you don’t have a look of a cheater, Momo.”

Momo smiled. It was a tight, almost pained smile until Momo had to squeeze her hands a bit tighter.

“Could you tell me? About what you’ve been doing,” Momo almost begged. Her voice didn’t falter was a miracle itself. “Just… talk.”

So Jeongyoen talked. She mostly talked about the preparation for the festival, complained about some juniors who got into a fight because they couldn’t decide which color to be used for the decoration, talked about her sister and how she missed her. Momo listened attentively, even managed to elicit a laugh and Momo could forget for a while.

The waiter came with their coffees and a plate of scones for Jeongyeon. They talked between gulps and bites. Everything started to turn normal again—

The door opened with a ding and there was Myoui Mina, stepping into this humble coffee shop with such elegance that put models to shame. Her hair was down and had blonde streaks on the tip, still looking beautiful, and Momo hated herself for unable to look away.

“Oh that’s Mina,” Jeongyeon mentioned. She, too, was looking at Mina when the latter stood in line. A whistle escaped from the girl’s lips. “Damn, she looks like royalty among the peasants.”

Momo agreed but, of course, she’d never say it. She took another sip of her coffee although it did nothing to quench the dryness in her throat.

“I never understand why people like her so much. Just because she’s smart and pretty, it doesn’t mean they have to kiss her ass all the time,” Momo put the cup down and breathed deeply. “Actually, she kinda pisses me off.”

“Are you still mad about the history pun she said to you?”

Momo was mad alright.

“She… irritates me,” Momo said, still maintaining a cold façade. “There’s something about her that smells fake and manipulating.”

“How so?”

Momo gave Jeongyeon a look. “I just feel like it.”

The other girl exhaled a laugh. “You don’t need to be jealous. You’re charming too.”

Momo’s eyes narrowed as she threw Jeongyeon a dubious look. “Jealous?” she repeated, “what makes you think I’m jealous?”

“Momo, you’re bad at making excuses,” Jeongyeon said, chewing on her scone and licked the chocolate on the corner of her lip. “Mina is harmless compared to other girls in our school.”

Momo all but scowled as she glared at Jeongyeon incredulously.

“She’s anything but harmless, Jeongyeon. Don’t you see how fake she is? I bet she’s doing illegal things too.”

“Then? As long as she doesn’t hurt anybody—”

“You don’t understand, Jeong.”

“Why are you so worked up? Did Mina do something to you?”

“SHE DIDN’T!”

Momo rarely let emotion got the best of her. However, in this case, she had lost all resemblance, composure— common sense, too. The chair screeched as she stood up, hands balled to a fist, and her voice sounded like a shriek from a wraith. The chattering stopped and Momo could see all eyes were on her, she felt Mina’s eyes on her.

Jeongyeon was dumbfounded. She had her mouth hung open, unable to process words because she’d never seen Momo so angry before. The air was tense around them, even the waiters had stopped working.

Someone was sneezing somewhere, followed by a small chatter, then a scrape of silverware against the plate.

However, for Momo, the noise wasn’t enough to dampen the pollution within her mind. She could still hear it—her brain calling one name over and over and over again.

Momo sat back down with a hand holding the side of her head as a sudden migraine took over. She tried hard to ignore the weird look Jeongyeon was giving her.

“Whoa okay,” Jeongyeon quipped after a moment of daze, “you don’t need to be a bitch about it.”

Momo didn’t listen. It was impossible to think about anything else now.

Eyes pinched shut, Momo slung her bag over her shoulder and made her way to the exit, ignoring Jeongyeon, ignoring Mina. Her skin was burning under her jacket and the wires were still clutching her chest ever so tightly.

No.

She’s not crazy.

Not yet.

*

Momo pulled at her collar of her shirt and managed to get it unbuttoned. It was a moment before midnight when her shift ended. She walked out of the kitchen, sleeves rolled up above her elbows before leaning onto the brick wall for a quick rest.

Her nerves were combusting, one by one, and Momo wished there’s something strong to dull her senses. She pulled out a gum from her pocket and plopped it into her mouth, eyes looking up to watch the starless sky. Minty flavor quickly replaced by something tasteless as Momo chewed the gum furiously.

Momo glanced when she heard the door beside her creak open. Jackson walked out and gave a small nod to Momo. He brought two bottles of beer—probably the ones he snatched from the latest shipment.

Jackson was Momo’s senior by two years and he happened to be a student in the same academy as Momo. Jackson was the star of fencing team; he even offered a scholarship to attend a prestigious school in the US. Jackson was smart and a fun fellow, which made him more bearable than the other jocks.

“Good you’re still here,” he grinned as he took a spot beside Momo. Holding the bottles in one hand, he pulled a pack of cigarette from the pocket of his apron. In the dark, the tip of the cigarette emitted a dim orange glow that got considerably brighter as Jackson took a drag. “Let’s talk.”

“I’m not in the mood for a late reflection. Talk to Chief Park if you need some enlightenment.”

Jackson didn’t take Momo’s crass sarcasm seriously. He was chuckling until he had to hold onto his stomach when the smoke entered the wrong pipe.

“Here, drink,” the man offered Momo a bottle, didn’t even flinch when Momo stared at him in disgust.

“I’m driving.”

Jackson ignored it as he snapped off the cap with the other bottle in a quick try. “This won’t make you drunk. Take it.”

Momo took the bottle and drank. It didn’t burn as much as those from the club but enough to make Momo loosen up a bit.

“What happened?” Jackson began as he took a quick sip of his drink, “you’re moodier than usual. You and Jeong have a fight?”

“Life happens,” was all Momo could elaborate.

“Jeong talked to me about you. She said you’ve been avoiding her—well, basically you avoid everyone and I thought Jeongyeon was being extra but,” a puff of smoke flew out of Jackson's mouth, blending into the dry air, “you’ve been acting weird recently like something is bothering you. A lot.”

Her hand squeezed at the bottle. Momo couldn’t find an appropriate adjective to describe the emotional distress she’s currently feeling.

“I’m having a crisis of faith now.”

Jackson frowned. “I thought you’re an atheist.”

Momo rolled her eyes and gave Jackson a free slap on the arm. “I’m agnostic but that’s not the point. This is a different matter.”

“What is it then?”

Momo listened to the soft rasping sound from the dark corner of the alley. “You know Myoui Mina?”

Jackson hummed. “Ah, that one pretty girl.”

Momo was thinking of the red of Mina’s lips, the scent of jasmine mixing with alcohol and cigarette.

“She’s infuriating.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know,” Momo sighed, exasperated. She had been asking herself the same question and every time she almost got the answer, something indiscernible blocked her and Momo was back to square one. “She’s just so—”

“Infuriating?” Jackson finished for Momo. The distress was obvious he could almost smell it on the air. “Mina did something to you?”

Momo didn’t say anything. She took one, two, three sips of her beer, listened to the faint noises of car engines. The tip of her shoes tapped against the wet concrete, and Momo opened her mouth.

“She’s a stripper.”

Momo expected to see Jackson choking on his beer. But the boy was giving her a wide look with his lips pursed tight— confusion, most likely, but not exaggerated reaction.

“Wow. That’s something I never thought I’d hear.”

“It’s the truth.”

It’s either Jackson could read her mind or Momo hadn’t mastered the art of poker face because the frown in his forehead got deeper as he spoke, “And that’s supposed to bother you? Judging her because of that is rather low, Momo.”

“I’m not judging her.”

“Then?”

A pause. Momo turned her head to look at Jackson. The other boy was staring back at her with a question. “She... I—we kissed, Jack.”

A small laughter from Jackson caught Momo off guard. “So you’re upset because of that?”

Momo remembered the greenhouse. The blooming colors of roses and gardenias, the stench of fertilizer, soil, and sweat. The passing sunlight and heavy breathings when she devoured Mina in secrets.

“Maybe. I don’t know. I just,” Momo sniffed. Running a hand along her hair. “It’s complicated. She does things to me and I… I just can’t control myself. You understand it right?”

Jackson nodded absentmindedly. “You’re thinking too much about it.”

“It’s making me crazy.”

I can’t stop thinking about Mina—Momo didn’t say.

“You can call Jeongyeon. She’s your girlfriend. Talk to her more, send nudes, have sex, anything to distract yourself,” Jackson stepped on the cigarette as another thick puff of smoke flew out. He put a hand on Momo’s shoulder. “Don’t be a cheater, Momo. I mean it.”

“Where the hell do you get that?” Momo bit out. Angry for no reason.

Jackson shrugged. “Look, I don’t know what’s your deal with Mina but it’s obvious that you are attracted to her,” he paused. Suddenly the color of his face was serious and Momo almost had a whiplash because when the resident goofball turned serious, it only meant one thing.

“I’m not attracted to her,” Momo answered. She was glad her voice came out firm.

The corner of Jackson’s mouth curled upward.

“Don’t play yourself, Hirai.”

*

The main street was scarce of cars. It was twenty-three minutes past midnight.

Momo’s eyes fluttered open; fingers squeezed out the steering wheel and realized that she’s still driving. Back to Black by Amy Winehouse was playing at low volume and Momo mouthed the lyric under her breath to keep herself awake. She didn’t need to have her face stamped on the morning paper for crashing her car to a random pole.

From the corner of her eye, Momo caught a glimpse of someone walking on the pavement with a slight limp on the right leg. Momo, although she’s not purely a saint, slowed the car down in case that person need a help.

Drawing closer, Momo had a clear look that the lonely pedestrian was a girl. Her hair fell down over her face, its dark color was a stark contrast against the faded leather jacket. Thin, rose-colored stockings were covering the girl’s long legs and held up with a garter on her thigh.

Momo called out the window. “Miss? Need a help?”

The girl turned around and Momo’s heart crawled to her throat.

“No thank you,” Mina ticked, quickly looking away.

Momo should have left. Momo should have listened to the warning sirens. Really. Momo should have listened more to her logic.

She didn’t.

“You’re limping,” Momo pointed.

Mina was rolling her eyes now, but Momo couldn’t see.

“Dancing for four hours straight did this to your legs, but you’re not a stripper so you wouldn’t know.”

“Can you stop being insufferable for once?”

“Why? Are you the new bitch in charge?”

The poison bubbled, leaked, and Momo stepped on the brake that almost made the car lost its balance. Momo jumped out from the car with one purpose and grabbed Mina by the wrist.

“What the...!?”

Momo opened her mouth to snap but she stopped when she saw a bandage around Mina’s hand. It wrapped around the flesh messily as if it’s there just to cover the wound until it received a proper treatment. There’s a patch of iodine on the palm, its color was dark brown under the fluorescent light.

“Let go, Momo.”

Mina’s voice was tight. Aside from the brief tremble in her lips, Momo couldn’t pinpoint what Mina was thinking.

“Someone hurt you?” Momo held Mina close. Gentle enough. Her eyes never left Mina.

“Occupational hazard,” Mina muttered under her breath. “Can you let go of me now?”

_Of course I can—_

Mina’s face was rigid; her jaw was lined and squared. When Momo stared at Mina, the girl quietly hid her face behind the dark locks of her hair. Black mascara smudged on the side of her cheek.

“We need to see that,” Momo said, still holding Mina’s hand, “I’ll take you to the hospital.”

*

Momo never liked hospital.

Everything was white. Too bright. She could hear someone yelling across the room. It was faint and sounded like a pained wail. Momo closed her eyes and shoved her hands into the pocket of her jacket. The sterile scent of alcohol and sanitizer didn’t do justice to calm her.

“Are you her family?”

Momo looked up to see a woman in a white coat standing before her. She’s still looking young, probably in her late twenties. The doctor’s hair was pulled into a bun, a few strands falling onto her wide forehead. A tag was clipped on the breast pocket with J. Jung written on it.

Momo stiffened. Panic started to bubble into her. “I’m a friend,” she swallowed. “Is she okay?”

The doctor smiled a little. “She’s fine,” then the smile faltered into something solemn. “Miss Myoui was assaulted,” she murmured. The color of her face darkened. “A drunken man tried to force himself into her and she hit him with a bottle, hence the injury.”

Momo felt dizzy. Assaulted… Mina was assaulted, in that dark room, when she’s alone and helpless—

“Unfortunately, we can’t conduct further examination because we need a legal permit from the authority to do that,” the doctor put her hand on Momo’s shoulder to soothe the distraught girl. “However, aside from minor bruises and a twisted ankle, Ms. Myoui is in good condition.”

The red and black in the middle of the whites was too colorful for Momo to ignore. The doctor turned halfway and another calming smile curling on her lips.

“Feel better?” she asked Mina.

“Yeah. Thanks,” the girl replied with a soft voice. The flimsy bandage on her hand was replaced with a fresh one. Bruises started forming on the side of Mina’s arm and her thigh. Momo didn’t want to know how Mina acquired those.

Doctor Jung nodded. “Get some rest,” and she waved at Momo before walking back to her room.

There’s something about the idea of being alone with Mina that made Momo restless. Her fingers clenched to find something to hold. She didn’t know what to say. Touching Mina was the last thing she wanted to do because, really, Mina was everything that Momo wanted to avoid.

She couldn’t stand the silence.

“Are you okay?”

Mina shifted on her feet, pulling her jacket down to cover her bare thighs.

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

There was an edge in Momo’s voice. Both of them noticed that.

“He didn’t touch me, Momo. The bouncers got him before he could do anything else.”

Momo wasn’t an expert in psychology but she knew how to detect a liar.

A liar might add unnecessary fidget and pauses. Mina was still standing straight, unflinching.

A liar would avoid eye contact. Mina’s eyes were sharp and bright as they looked at Momo directly.

Myoui Mina might be an insufferable, manipulative bitch but she’s not a liar.

“Come on. Let’s get outta here.”

Mina walked past Momo, their shoulders brushed, while Momo still standing on the spot. There were many questions she wanted to ask, so many anger and frustration she’d like to lash out. They’re loaded on the tip of her tongue, ready to attack, and it would’ve been easier if Momo wasn’t too bothered about hurting Mina’s feelings.

So Momo kept her mouth shut as she followed Mina through the empty hallway, waited for Mina to pay the hospital bill, and after they exited the hospital and walked to Momo’s car.

“I don’t know how you do this,” Momo suddenly blurted, voice shaking and this was something that she’d been holding since their kiss at the greenhouse. “How you manage to live like this, to do something so reckless, dangerous even, just because it’s fun and—”

“You’re thinking too much,” Mina replied, sounded tired but rehearsed all the same. She didn’t make a move to touch Momo. The color of Mina’s face was soft, kind. Sad, maybe. Momo didn’t care. “If this can make you less worried, that man didn’t do anything to me. I hit his head with a bottle—maybe cracked his skull too,” Mina chuckled slightly, shrugging.

Needles started poking at the back of her eyes. Momo blinked them away.

“You’re crazy…” Momo croaked, half sobbing. “You’re out of this world, Myoui.”

And Momo was a second too late to react when she felt cold digits pressing onto her face, followed by a pair of dry, chapped lips on her mouth.

Momo closed her eyes, sighing at the taste of Mina’s lips. She hesitated and slid the tip of her tongue out, running it along Mina’s soft upper lip—tracing, as if to imprint the shape into her memory. It was a slower kiss, a shy kiss, yet it full of admiration that Momo had to hold onto Mina for some clarity. Mina reciprocated by pressed onto Momo, teasing with tiny nips and licks, earning a growl from Momo.

“That’s… cheating,” Momo mumbled when Mina pulled back. Their forehead pressed against each other; their breathings mingled in heavy puffs.

Mina laughed. Thick and harsh. “Take me home,” she said with a hush that Momo wasn’t sure she heard it because there’s no way, no fucking way Mina was asking her that. But Mina’s fingers were still around Momo’s neck and she easily pulled the baffled girl for another hot, mind-numbing kiss until Momo felt the barbed wires squeezed her lungs almost too tightly.

Momo’s lips were already sore from all the kissing, but she managed to mutter, “your place?”

Mina nodded, hummed.

“Will you?”

Momo wondered just how much of this Mina had planned out, one act after another as Mina slipped into Momo’s life with a little to no effort. Mina’s fingers were over Momo’s forearm, giving Momo that one smile that beaming amidst the darkness. The same smile that held secrets and mischief. A game for Momo to unfold.

Mina never said it, but she wanted Momo to fall.

Falling together. Down the gravity. With their bodies pressed together, lips wet and clinging, and the universe exist only for them.

_Will you?_

…

…..

“I will.”


	5. Ingénue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love, comments, and kudos you've sent me. I read them all and so happy to know you enjoy this story as much as I do.

@myouinism made this awesomesauce [video](https://twitter.com/myouinism/status/812306771209396224) based on this story and I'm shookt!!

 

 _Like a car_ _crash_ _I can see but I just can't avoid_

 _Like a plane I've been_ _told_ _I never should board_

 _Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay_ _till_ _the end_

_Let me tell you now: it's lucky for you that we're friends._

_Like a Friend - Pulp_

 

 

It didn’t matter that she skipped two stairs and almost broke her nose.

It didn’t matter that the hallway was unbelievably dark and quiet.

It didn’t matter that her lungs were burning and her lips had started to become numb.

It didn’t matter at all.

… and the next thing she knew, she had fallen so fast.

What Momo knew, when her back was on the wall, was Mina’s mouth on her skin—on Momo’s neck, on the side of her lips, nipping on her ear. Mina didn’t hold anything back in her action. The room seemed to melt away in the heat of their breathings and the fire between their legs.

Mina told Momo to fall with her, lips shaped in desperation, and Momo’s knee against the bed frame.

Mina’s eyes were hooded, mouth bruised and grinned in a way that told Momo that she’s lost. Lost in this little game, lost in the darkness, lost in this place where Momo was powerless against whatever that’s chaining her.

“Momo…”

The sudden mention of her name broke Momo from her spiraling mind. Momo waited, hearing only the deepness of them trying to catch the air and a dim fleck of light from the cheap neon outside.

Momo didn’t reply. The tips of her fingers were feverish as they pressed onto Mina’s face. Something hard and bitter clogged on her throat as she muttered, “I’m not supposed to be here.”

Mina let out a broken laugh as she kissed the inside of Momo’s hand.

“Still in denial even after everything we’ve done,” she surmised with a roll of her eyes, “you’re the most stubborn son of a bitch I’ve ever known.”

“Mina, I… I have a girlfriend.”

Mina blinked. Unfazed. “We both know that’s not important right now.”

Momo looked down. She noticed a tear on Mina’s stockings, and a few bruises on the thigh. Was it still hurt? What happened inside that room? Did Mina—

She remembered the club. The blazing lights and deafening sounds. Then there was the dancing black swan and that’s all Momo could think about—every passing moment, every passion, every obsession and everything else in between.

“I hate you,” Momo whispered as her forehead wrinkled, trying to stop her emotions from seething over. She felt Mina inched closer and gently cupped the side of her face. “I know you’re just playing with me and I _should_ hate _you_ for that—”

Mina’s voice was just as quiet. Firmer. Braver.

It made Momo scared a little.

“You can’t hate me.”

Momo couldn’t, and Mina would never hear it coming out from Momo’s mouth. It pissed Momo off when she couldn’t figure out what she felt. All this time, Momo could only assume it as hatred and the worst thing about assumptions was they could be proven wrong.

Mina’s stare felt like it’s burning her face. Momo kept her gaze down.

“This is really unnecessary,” Mina said with a small chuckle. The city was asleep outside, pulsing gently with lights flickering in the darkness. “How you’re trying to deny me, to get away from me. It’s unnecessary.”

_Momo and Mina, in the darkness._

This time Momo looked up. Her body jerked as she cupped on Mina’s shoulders and pushed the girl onto the bed. Momo was glaring and Mina was still smiling.

Mina was looking at her. It happened. It always happened, just like in the club. Momo was here frozen, thinking about the white in Mina’s smile and the secrets in the twinkle of her eyes.

“You think you’re smart eh?” Momo hissed. Her fingers were sprawled on the side of Mina’s head and clenched on the sheets tightly. “You have stage names and seduce people, and you don’t feel anything when you show your cunts and assholes to strangers.”

The room was dark and Momo missed the hurt that flickered in Mina’s eyes.

“Is that what do you think I am?” Mina challenged, still staring straight at Momo.

“Yes.”

A chuckle, and Momo shivered.

“But you desire me,” Mina tried, voice low. A statement. A fact, something that tugged on Momo’s chest more than she’d admit. “You desire _this_ stripper, and you’re so mad about me I can hear your scream from across the street.”

A smile curled on the edge of Momo’s lips. “And you gonna put me out of my misery?”

“Misery?” a faux gasp escaped Mina’s mouth, “you’re good at lying, Hirai.”

Momo hummed and closed her eyes as cold lips touched the side of her neck. With each peck, she felt her defenses coming off, leaving marks that were going to stay forever. The followed by ten fingers on her face, drawing her closer until she tasted something sweet on the tip of her tongue.

“Momo…” Mina cooed.

Momo hardly responded as she paused—tasting. She watched Mina pull away and she sighed, shuddering, and locked her mouth to Mina’s red lips. Another familiar rush purred within, filling her body and deafening her senses. Her hands found Mina’s, fingers interlaced—clenching in need.

Another kiss erupted and Mina let out a compressed sigh between kisses, grunting when sharp teeth biting on her bottom lip in needy desperation. Momo pulled away from the kiss panting and watched the blood on the plump flesh. The tip of her tongue poked out, gently tasting the bitter copper from the wound.

“You bite like a bitch,” she heard Mina hiss.

When she met Mina’s eyes, the way Mina looked at her made Momo wonder why she didn’t just accept the devil’s invitation and take what she wanted. But nothing was never easy when it’s just the two of them. Momo had girlfriend and Mina was a stellar student slash stripper, and they understood the risks and secrets they had to hide behind people’s backs.

Mina moaned into Momo’s mouth as Momo unbuttoned her camisole, thin fabric replaced by cold digits trailing up her sides, squeezing on her braless chest, tweaking on her—

“O-oh fuck…!”

“What did your parents say about cursing, dear Sharon?” Momo asked, her nose drawing along Mina’s collarbone to drink in her scent, “you smell really good.”

Mina’s nails scratched under Momo’s chin to make the other girl look at her. “You smell like bacon yourself, Hirai.”

“Oh sorry,” Momo pretended to get hurt but her hands already wrapped around Mina’s thigh and ripped on the garters, “200 dollars perfume is too rich for a chef like me.”

“Good. You know your place,” Mina buried her fingers in Momo’s hair, blunt nails scratching the scalp as lips trailed down her throat, down her chest, and along the taut lines of her stomach.

Hungry palms enveloped the skin beneath her thigh, burning hot touches along her flesh. Mina craned her neck and Momo kissed down her neck, pausing to bite at the pulse point, hard enough to leave a mark and licked it to ease the pain. The fingers on her thigh brushed closer to her center and Mina gasped as a jolt went through her being.

Curious yet mischievous thumbs smoothed the swelling folds and Mina moaned. “G-god—”

“Don’t believe in one,” Momo teased. A throaty whimper bubbled on Mina’s tongue when Momo, bless her soul, used her teeth to pull her underwear off her hips and threw them to the floor.

“Shit, you leaking, princess,” Momo almost growled as she pushed Mina’s legs apart. The gloss of wetness between Mina’s legs was more than tempting. Momo swallowed, her tongue ran along her dry lips as she stared at the beauty before her.

“Isn’t this how you want me?” Mina’s eyes were dark when Momo peered up at her. Wandering hands framed around Momo’s face, gently caressing the skin. “Me with my legs open, so wet and hot for you?”

Momo swallowed.  She inched forward, lips touching the front of Mina’s slit. Eyes kept holding to each other as tongue darted out, poking between folds and Mina stiffened, hips jerking upward as a heat wave rushed through her.

“Oh fuck, M-momo,” Mina whimpered as tongue dragged along her clit.

Momo didn’t listen. Her stomach tightened with arousal when Mina opened her mouth to moan louder when she bit at nub of nerves in the center, teeth grazing on the swollen that earned Momo another sinful yell from the girl. The fingers on her head started to pull harder and Momo took it as a command as she continued.

Mina grabbed the side of Momo’s head and pulled it back up to her. Their mouths crashed as Mina kissed Momo deeply, tasting herself on Momo’s wet lips. It took a lot of efforts from both of them to strip Momo off her clothes and pants, fingers slipping and missing the buttons and zippers. Mina pulled Momo close and put her palm flat against Momo’s stomach like it’s the heat to her trembling hands.

“You have no idea—” Mina gasped when she got the chance to speak when Momo pulled away to breathe. A groan escaped her throat when Momo toyed with her clit. “H-how much I really want you…”

Mina’s face was damp with sweat, her dark hair clung to her neck and forehead, and she looked _so beautiful_ just like that. Mina was breathing heavily, her bare chest rose up as she gasped for air and Momo almost snapped because how perfect Mina was.

The sharp ache between her legs became unbearable now—

Momo almost yelped when Mina pulled herself up and sat on Momo’s lap, her legs around Momo’s waist and their hips pressed close to each other. Her fingers found their way inside Mina again as the girl bucked her hips. And with how Mina whimpered, Momo knew that Mina liked this.

Yeah, _she got Mina real bad._

The room was stuffed with slapping skins and breathless gasps. And Momo was amazed at the tiny whimpers and moans from Mina’s throat. Don’t get her wrong. Momo had done this before but it was a different experience with Mina and Momo couldn’t understand what made this occasion feel so _special_ for her—

“Faster,” Mina begged, her chest pressed onto Momo, skins sticking to each other in the heat of the moment. “Oh—ah… Momo—faster,”

She pushed harder, faster and harder. Slammed in, rolled her fingers just slightly and continued. It drove Mina mad.

Again and again, _it drove Mina mad._

“Mina—a…gh.”

And Momo was surprised, _pleasantly so_ , when she felt Mina’s finger down there. A gruffness rolled up the length of her throat as she wrapped her free arm around Mina as tight as her strength permitted, flushing their bodies together until as if it’s possible for them to melt into each other.

It was overwhelming, every dream, every fantasy that Momo had kept to herself about kissing Mina, about wanting Mina, about _fucking_ Mina— the passion, the obsession, things she couldn’t live without.

So Momo kissed Mina back; teeth biting at Mina’s wounded one. There’s a hiss and Momo jerked her hips to make sure Mina’s fingers wouldn’t stop, and she kept pumping into Mina to give the girl the same pleasure because, really, Mina was making her so crazy, _so deeply and madly_ in—

Momo heard a yell from Mina and she couldn’t help but groan, her breath harshly coming out of her nose. Mina’s fingers brought her so close, and Momo was losing herself, losing the touch of reality as her heart raging inside her body. Something was crawling up her throat as she eyed Mina’s body jerked sharper, their bodies stiffening closer to the peak.

She closed her eyes, her brows frowned in anguish as she pressed her forehead to Mina’s chest, listening to the insane echo of Mina’s heartbeat. Momo listened to the crack on Mna’s voice, the struggling noises that came out from the burning throat, the quivering legs around her hips…

Mina came. In Momo’s arms. She came as hard as Momo was in Mina’s arms—with their mouths touching in a long, silent groan of pure ecstasy. It felt like an out of body experience, to see the object of her desire came undone because of her and she was destroyed under Mina’s merciless touch.

It was difficult to keep her eyes open but Momo wanted to commit Mina’s face to her memory, the rawness of Mina’s lips, every little thing about Mina. Their hips still pumping to ride the last wave of their orgasm and Momo didn’t fight when Mina pulled her down, her body flopping on top of Mina’s body, too spent to do anything else.

Momo turned her head slightly and noticed that Mina was looking at her with hooded eyes. A moment passed, each second lingered longer than before. None of them looked away because nothing was matter anymore except their very own existence.

Momo didn’t flinch when Mina touched her face.

“You’re something else, Hirai Momo,” Mina mumbled, voice still shaking with hoarseness, content and everything else in between.

Momo was too tired for a pillow talk. Her brain wasn’t properly wired to her mouth, so Momo leaned in and press a lazy kiss on the tip of Mina’s nose before closing her eyes.

Mina’s soft heartbeat sounded like a lullaby that put Momo’s combusting nerves to a rest.

The sleep was _fucking_ worth it.

*

Morning came without warning.

The sunlight that seeped into the room was too bright, prompting Momo to groan in discomfort as she buried her face deeper into the pillow. She took a deep breath as she was about to sleep for— _wait_ , the smell was different.

Her eyes opened almost too abruptly as Momo pulled away.

 _Jasmine_. Mina’s jasmine perfume and lotion. Mina’s scent on the bed and all over Momo’s skin.

Momo whipped her head around when she heard someone shuffle into the room. Mina was walking towards her, wearing an oversized maroon long sleeved shirt and nothing else underneath. The unkempt hair and the pale face would put anyone else off.

But Mina was attractive. And Momo found Mina so weirdly desirable. The girl could wear a sack and still able to make it looked like a top designer made it for her. Momo watched Mina sat on the bed. There’s a distance between them.

Momo felt a little uneasy with the silence. Especially after what they did last night. But Mina was still looking at her as if she’s waiting for Momo to make a move first.

She cleared her throat. “Hey,” it came out rather soft for Momo’s liking.

“Hey you,” Mina answered, licking her lips, a habit she always did. “Did you have a good sleep?”

Momo shrugged, pulling the sheet to cover her chest. “I guess.”

Mina nodded, more to herself than Momo. She reached out to Momo and placed her hand on Momo’s head to smooth on her bangs. The gesture was unnecessarily gentle and didn’t sit well with Momo’s conscience.

“I made breakfast.” Momo noticed a tiny wound on Mina’s lower lip, then her eyes trailed down and spotted a bluish mark on the girl’s neck. _Oh boy_.  “But I haven’t restocked my fridge so we’re stuck with eggs and toasts today.”

Momo nodded. Almost too quickly.

Something had changed.

*

They sat in the kitchen with plates and two mugs of steaming hot Milo on the table.

Momo hadn’t touched her mug. She was sitting across from Mina, her eyes traveling up Mina’s exposed shoulder, watching as the girl quietly sipping her milk. Momo looked down at her own steaming mug and bit the inside of her cheek.

“You don’t like Milo?” Mina peered at Momo’s still full mug.

“Hot Milo? Really?” Momo sighed with a shake of her head, “only children drink this.”

“I thought you’re already used to my finest quality.”

“You’re being cheeky again.”

“I’m trying to have a conversation here but since you’re just a grumpy old lady who can’t understand how magnificent Milo is, I think I’m—” Mina stretched out to take the mug only to have Momo snatched it away from her reach.

“Who said I don’t want it?” Momo chided as she held the mug like she’s trying to protect it, “I just said it’s a children’s drink.”

Mina had her chin on the palm as she watched Momo blew at the hot drink before taking a small sip. She smiled at the sight, careful not to let Momo saw it.

“Do you realize most of our conversations are mostly insults?” Mina asked after a while.

Momo didn’t answer. Instead, she observed the apartment, noticing that Mina’s room was no different from hers. Small, modest, with the walls painted in cream color. There’s a part of the wall where Mina hung all of her photographs. Most of them were Polaroid and framed with soft neon lamps.

“You like photography too?”

“Sometimes. I’m only good with Polaroid.”

Momo was still looking at the photos. “Why did you leave your family?”

It was the first question that had a relevance to Mina’s lives. Mina listened for spite, the usual insult in Momo’s speech, but found nothing of it.

“I told you I want to be independent.”

“There must be another reason.”

Mina was hesitating. Momo caught on that.

“Not really,” Mina muttered under her breath, “what about you?”

Momo sipped on the Milo without looking at Mina. “If you expect a sob story, then you’ll be disappointed.”

Mina put her mug down, breathing deeply as she realized where this conversation would go.

“Okay there’s no sob story, but I want to know more about you.”

“And why the hell do you want to know?”

Mina was frowning. “Because I’m curious?”

Momo shook her head. “Curious? That’s your excuse? We had sex last night and you’re magically curious about my personal life?”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with that.”

“Of course it does,” Momo countered. She put the mug down and stared at Mina with a sharp look. “Whatever happened last night doesn’t change our relationship, Myoui. If we’re going to do this, then the personal talk and the domesticity is not a part of the deal.”

Momo had seen Mina angry before, but today was the first time Momo saw disappointment fawning Mina’s beautiful face. And like someone had slapped her with a sack of hot coal, Momo realized one thing: she fucked Mina and brought more complication to their relationship.

“'This' relationship we have... care to tell me more about it?”

And just like that, everything ended. Momo felt like an idiot, hated herself for some more and turned defensive, pulling away further from Mina.

“It's just a bunch of mistakes I should've never done,” Momo commented as she stood up and grabbed her shirt from the floor.

There was a slight tremor in Mina’s voice. “Ah, you’re back to your insensitive son of a bitch persona. Why am I not surprised?”

They just looked at each other. Momo saw Mina’s eyes brimmed with strength that hid the weakness perfectly, and Momo wished she could show Mina the same thing because Momo never had that kind of quality in her.

“Both of us aren’t exactly normal,” Momo husked through gritted teeth, “you’re wrong if you think we can have ‘this’ like other people do.”

Momo left the apartment with a slam of the door, not giving a damn that she’s walking to her car in the broad daylight while wearing nothing but a gray shirt. Her car rumbled to life as she hit the gas and turned into the half-crowded street.

Momo sniffed as she blinked to ease the sting in her eyes.

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Crimes

_It’s affection always,_

_You’re gonna see it someday_

_My attention for you_

_Even if it’s not what you need_

_Affection – Cigarettes After Sex_

 

“Is there any question?”

Dull silence passed over the classroom. Some students were looking down at their books just to avoid the teacher’s scrutiny while the others had their attention somewhere outside of this class and this boring lesson.

Momo never forced herself to go to school. She actually preferred to spend her time in the dancing studio, practicing new move and all that. However, just like the good old man said, education was important and Momo wasn’t one to disobey her parents. She looked at the window, to the blinding sun, and the urge to just walk out and enjoyed this bright day suddenly appeared.

But Momo had gotten into trouble for ditching classes but the worst she got was a judging a look from the doctor as she walked into the infirmary to sleep.

When the bell finally rang, Momo didn’t wait for the teacher to walk out first. She didn’t even care that the teacher was giving her another nasty look as she zigzagged through the desks.

The sharp smell from the locked stall almost made Momo vomit as she stepped into the girl’s lavatory. Sighing, Momo leaned her weight onto the bowl, staring at her cracked reflection on the mirror, and she almost believed that it was her face that’s cracking. She turned the faucet and splashed cold water to her face.

Momo didn’t start her shift until six and it’s still 4 in the afternoon.

Her job had been hectic since chief Park built an addition to the building. The business was flourishing and Momo had to pick up the pace. She had to cook until late and then there’s school in the morning. The job was tiring and it actually helped Momo to forget about things.

What happened between her and Mina, unfortunately, was an exception.

Her thoughts jumbled. It was getting difficult to control the feelings now that the barrier had broken between them.

“Keep yourself together, Hirai,” she scolded herself, “it’s just sex, nothing more.”

If what happened between them was just sex, It’d be easier for Momo to lie that she felt nothing for Mina.

The graffiti on the wall caught her attention.

It was normal to find some lewd graffiti in this school. And although the faculty had set a strict punishment for vandalism, it’s not enough to stop people from ‘expressing their creative freedom’. This one was still new and it shouldn’t bother Momo too much but, strangely, it did.

 _Myoui Mina is a whore_ , that’s what it said.

It was written in huge, black letters. Big enough for everyone to see. If it’s just another bully, Momo wouldn’t think too much about it. But the sentence clearly mentioned Mina and called her with such… disgusting name. Momo frowned.

The door opened and soon Momo could hear chatters from behind. She didn’t pay any attention to them because she’s still focusing on the graffiti. The gears inside her brain were cranking as she tried to think who might write this foul statement.

“Hey, did you hear?”

“Yeah. About Myoui from class A? Is that true?”

“Probably. I mean, who would’ve thought, right? She doesn’t have the look of it.”

Myoui wasn’t a common name and Momo knew these girls were talking about Mina, and it didn’t sound like they’re talking about her in a good light. Momo shouldn’t have asked. Whatever Mina had done, it’s not Momo’s concern.

Momo wouldn’t ask first. She wouldn’t—

“What is it about Myoui?” Momo asked before she could stop herself.

The girls, who went by the name Somi and Chungha, gave her a look and Momo admitted that it almost made her want to slap them on the face. But Momo just clenched her fingers and waited. She tried to put her best poker face and eyed the two girls. The tip of her shoes tapping against the blue tiles.

“A whore.”

Momo raised a brow. “And you have proof of that?”

“Someone spread a video,” Somi quipped, “about a girl dancing in a strip club. The poster said the dancer is Myoui Mina.”

“Let me see that.”

The girls were staring at each other and Chungha handed Momo her phone, which the latter took it with a quick swipe.

Momo knew that music by heart as she stared at the screen. The video showed a dark room with flashing lights and wooing crowds. It went out of focus for a moment as if the man behind the camera was careful not to get himself busted before he pinned at one person: the dancer with blond wig who kneeled on the table with her chest bare and her hips sway. She brought a hand to her neck and caressed herself, ghosting fingers along her collarbone and the men went crazy as their yowling indicated.

“Uh, can you give my phone back?”

Momo’s face was cold as she looked up to Chungha. “Where did you get this?”

The girl shrugged. “Someone shared the link this morning.”

“And you didn’t report this to the teachers?”

Chungha chuckled. “Where’s the fun in that? Videos like these are meant to be watched right?”

Momo wasn’t the type to be impulsive. Not unless it came to something she really cared about. And this time, she didn’t have any ounce of care as she threw Chungha’s phone into the clogged toilet. The girl’s surprised shriek wasn’t enough to make her flinch either.

“What the fuck!? That’s my phone, you bitch!” Chungha yelled in anger and panic. She shoved past Momo and kneeled on the cubicle’s dirty floor, only screamed some more at the terrifying sight of her phone drowning.

Momo stepped into the exit, but not before stopping beside the baffled Somi. Her voice was dangerously low as she hissed, “don’t ever talk about this again.”

Momo could hear a whimper from Somi as she nodded.

This place had so much space and word traveled fast from pointless drama to the latest hookups or breakups news. It wasn’t a secret that Myoui Mina was one of the best students in this academy and just like any popular kids in here, everything about Mina would definitely attract attention.

Her shoes squeaked as Momo came to a halt. Looking up, Momo saw Mina walking out from the principal’s office. The young girl bowed slightly as she closed the door. And as if she felt Momo’s presence, Mina turned around and stared at Momo briefly before walking off.

Momo scowled. She quickened her pace and before she knew it, Momo grabbed Mina and squeezed her arms down.

“We need to talk.”

Mina stared down at Momo’s fingers around her wrist and sent Momo a less than amused look. “O-kay. Sure.”

Momo took them to an empty chemistry lab. Her breathing came in slow, nervous puffs. Maybe Momo shouldn’t have been too eager to put her head in other people’s problem, but there’s something that bothered her a lot and she couldn’t shake that feeling.

“People know you’re working as a stripper and they think you’re a whore,” Momo blurted and got angrier at Mina’s lack of response.

Mina blinked. Then shrugged. “That’s supposed to be a problem?”

Momo rolled her eyes. “There’s a video of you on the internet!”

“It can be someone else. I’m not the only stripper work there.”

Knots tangled in Momo’s throat. It’s always like that. Before she knew it, she grabbed Mina by the shoulders and pushed her to the wall. Momo squeezed what flesh Mina had on her arms as she leaned closer.

“People are already talking about this and I know the teachers are going to investigate!” Momo hissed through gritted teeth. “Think about it! You can get expelled!”

Mina smiled, a kind smile that’s between bitter and mocking, and Momo’s heart almost ached at how painful it looked.

“And? Shouldn’t you be happy about it?”

A pang made a pass on Momo. The older girl swallowed. “What?”

“Oh please, you suck at caring. You fuck me, then snub me. You want me, you hate me, you show me your gentle side, but you’re turning to a colossal asshole in the next minute.”

Momo’s eyebrows wrenched over the bridge of her nose. She would never admit it but Mina was right. Again. And Momo suddenly felt so exposed as if she didn’t have anything to defend herself.

She should’ve paid no attention to Mina. She should’ve detached herself from Mina—and mind her own business.

But Mina… Mina was someone Momo couldn’t stop thinking about. Mina wasn’t worth of Momo’s time and yet here she was.

She let go of Mina and backed down. Her breath was shaky as Momo walked to the chair on the far side of the room. She listened to the footsteps that gradually grew closer and flinched when a warm hand pressed on her cheek. The warmth and the lightness in Mina’s touch were enough to calm her. Momo wondered if this was her mind playing placebo trick on her.

“Why do you do it?”

No answer. Momo looked up and saw that Mina was biting her lip in contemplation.

“I thought we’d agreed for not disclosing our personal details.”

Momo was looking at Mina, but Mina wasn’t spare her a glance, somehow making this conversation seemed like one sided. Momo stood up and was about to leave when Mina’s voice roped her back in.

“This isn’t all we have to be. I know—” Mina stopped. It’s as if she’s trying not to push the wrong button, “I know you don’t like me, but we can try to have a normal relationship without insulting each other all the time.”

Momo chuckled. “Let’s say we have this ‘normal’ relationship. What are we going to do? It still doesn’t change the fact that we’re… different.”

Mina couldn’t deal with Momo’s unpredictability and still being punished for it. The answer that came out from her mouth sounded almost like a shout.

“Maybe if you see me as a human and not just a stripper, you can understand.”

Momo didn’t like what Mina said to her and the truth it held. Mina was honest and, in a sense, Mina scared Momo more than anything.

“Then why do you do it?” Momo challenged with another hoard of insults already loaded at the tip of her tongue, “you get naked for strangers and you ask me to understand? I’m not stupid, Mina. I know what you’re going to do.”

“Shame. I know some stupid people who can listen.”

“Don’t you twist my words on me! I know you! You think you can have anyone, but you know what? You’re dead wrong. You can’t expect me to understand that!”

The corner of Mina’s mouth quirked upward. “And yet you’re so eager to play along,” she purred and pulled Momo closer with every word without even moving her body. “You know exactly what you want, Momo. But of course, denying it is easier, don’t you think?”

Momo’s beautiful face contorted into another scowl, but it only made Momo more desirable and Mina wanted nothing but to wipe that scorn with a kiss. It was irrational of her. Momo made her feel irrational all the time, but Mina was never right on the head from the start anyway.

“You think because we slept together, you think you’ve won?”

All Mina could provide was a small smirk and a thick husk on her voice as she whispered. “I am greedy,” Mina pulled Momo by the collar of her shirt, eyes sharp and never strayed. She brought her lips to Momo, sliding her tongue out and running it on Momo’s mouth as to tease her. “It’s one of my bad habits.”

And Momo just stood there, slightly dazed between what felt like a dream and the awareness that Mina was kissing her. Another familiar darkness brewing inside her and all she wanted to do was melting into Mina.

Momo had no control as she wrapped her hands around Mina’s back. She forgot that they’re still in school, in a chemistry lab where students or teachers could barge in any minute. She had lost all resemblance as she pressed hot, open-mouthed kisses along Mina’s neck. The skin was slick with sweat and it tasted like heaven.

A harsh gasp crawled out of Mina’s mouth when Momo pushed her onto the desk. Their lips separated for a brief moment before Mina looped her arms around Momo’s neck and pulled her for another mind-numbing kiss.

“…We shouldn’t… ah, be doing this… here,” Mina whispered to the air when Momo started unbuttoning her shirt and pressed kisses on her chest.

Momo hummed on Mina’s skin and lapped her tongue on the ridge of Mina’s ribs. “You’re the one talking.”

“Oh right,” Mina made a sound like she’s about to laugh. She pulled Momo by the cheeks and made the older girl to face her. The brown in Mina’s eyes had gone darker as she put her mouth next to Momo’s ear. “I forget that you love fucking me.”

“Don’t say it like that,” Momo conceded with a soft voice.

Mina’s lips moved closer to Momo’s cheek. She gave Momo a small kiss before pulling away. “But that’s what we’re doing,” she smirked, looking directly at the baffled girl before her, “what are you waiting for?”

 _They’re alone, Mina wanted it, and so did she_ , Momo thought. Having Mina trapped under her made Momo feel better. She held Mina by the wrists and kissed her neck, pausing to suck lightly and leaving red spots on the skin.

Then Momo went lower to Mina’s collarbone, still not stopping from leaving mark on the girl’s body. Something akin to possessiveness began to grow at the base of her stomach and Momo couldn’t understand where did it come from.

A soft click from the door stilled their movement. They both shared a look before Momo quickly hauled Mina off the desk and hid on the small nook behind the supply cabinet.

“You’ve seen the video?”

A chuckle. “Yea. That was wild.”

Momo poked her head slightly and saw two female students entering the room with books on their hands.

“I guess it’s true that we can’t judge book by its covers. Quiet girl in the day, flaming whore in the night.”

And Momo almost moaned when she felt Mina’s lips latching on her neck and she suddenly forgot that having sex in a classroom was the worst idea she ever had.

 _Touch me,_ Momo heard Mina whispered to her neck. _Fuck me. Do whatever you like._

Mina moaned into Momo’s mouth as Momo’s hands crept up under her skirt, fingers fiddling with the rim of her underwear to tease on the soaked skin. Both of them didn’t care about anything anymore.

“Do you know what’s going to happen to her?”

There was a thud as the student placed the book on the desk. “Expelled maybe? Who knows?”

Momo leaned it slowly, brushing soft kisses on Mina’s lips, and she watched how Mina’s lashes fluttered close. Momo had kissed countless times but kissing Mina was different than all the ones she had. Mina was bold. Brave. Mina was never hesitating.

“Which is a shame,” Momo could hear the student was still talking out there, “because she’s a smart girl. She even entered this academy by scholarship.”

The other student was chuckling. “You seem to know her well.”

Momo’s tongue lapped at the skin peeked from the top of Mina’s bra. Meanwhile, the girl before her let out tiny whimpers and opened her knees wider. Shaky fingers curled around Momo’s wrist and guided them to that warm area between the legs.

“Nah. I just heard some stuffs,” the student dismissed with a shake of her head, “I don’t know if it’s true but I heard she came from that kind of family.”

Mina opened her mouth in a silence yell when she pushed Momo’s finger inside her, deeply until Momo’s knuckles brushed against her clit. Mina was so wet; it didn’t take too much effort to slid inside her.

And Momo could only watch. How Mina pinched her eyes close, how her brows met in a blissful scowl, or how her lips were trembling in ecstasy. It was a beautiful sight.

“What kind of family?”

It had come to this. Momo would do whatever Mina wanted, even if she’s going to hate herself after this. But the more she slid deeper into Mina, Momo was aware that she’s fucking Mina again and this time there’s no good excuse for that.

“Her parents are some kind of scientists or something,” the student said like it was a fact that everybody should have known by now, “and they’re kinda neglecting her.”

“Ah, a lonely rich kid. Typical.”

Momo pushed harder. She kept digging into Mina while her mouth moved up from Mina’s chest to her neck, planting little kisses as Mina whimpered softly at her touch.

Mina’s hips were bucking hard, each rock driving Momo’s fingers deeper and in turn making Mina whine in agony. She groaned as Momo used her thumb to roll along the swollen clit. The younger girl wrestled her arm to claw at the back of Momo’s shirt.

And Momo felt it. She closed her eyes, relishing in the way Mina squirmed at her touch, Mina’s hips rocking at the rhythm of Momo’s fingers, the feeling of their bodies pressed together in this cramped space. It was getting hard to move and Momo’s wrist started to feel numb but she kept on moving.

“No. Her parents are… hm, pressuring her to be the best. Like they think that whatever she does is not good enough. Maybe they told her a bunch of stupid things. Scientists are weirdos like that.”

 _Harder_ , Mina demanded.

One leg came up, wrapping around Momo’s waist and forcing her deeper. Momo held onto Mina’s posterior to add more to their movement. Wet, slapping sounds were getting louder each time their hips met.

Using her own hips, Momo pushed in so her fingers were sheathed deep inside the tight heat. Mina’s head knocked on the cabinet hard as she tried to hold her scream. Her face glistened wet with sweat in the soft glow of sunlight that seeped from the window.

“Did you hear that?”

“What?”

A silence and Momo had to slow down, but Mina wasn’t making it easy for Momo because she was nibbling on her ear now.

“I don’t know. A moan?”

Momo looked down and almost came at the sight of her fingers halfway inside Mina. A harsh tug on her lower lip was all it took for Momo to continue. Her eyes snapped up, focusing on to Mina’s half closed ones. Mina’s hands clawed on Momo’s shirt, held onto Momo so tightly as hips rolled up to meet every of Momo’s thrusts.

“Mo…mo,” the name was desperate as it left Mina’s mouth. “Momo…”

The girl leaned down and took Mina’s lips with her own as she swallowed her name from Mina’s quivering chest. She was exhausted and the movement was getting sloppy, however, none of them was stopping.

Momo could hear the steps were getting closer and it only took a matter of time until one of those students found them. There was this sick enjoyment in her that wished for those students to see them fucking like animals in a chemistry lab.

And all motions stopped. The walls around Momo’s fingers clenched hard until Momo had to swallow her groan. There was no scream, but Momo knew Mina just had the best orgasm in her life because she was kissing Momo and nipped at her lip hard until it bled.

“Aw come on there’s nothing there! Let’s go,” the other student whined. There was a moment of silence and then it followed by a soft click of the door closing.

Mina was trembling when Momo pulled out from her. The glistening cum on her fingers was clear and thick, and both of them could smell the scent of sex throughout the empty room.

Words were stuck on Momo’s throat when she saw that tears began to form in those dark eyes. Momo’s lips were bleeding and they hurt like hell but she didn’t mind. What’s important now was this girl in front of her.

Momo leaned in, using her other hand to brush on Mina’s face, smoothing at her hair. But the moment her hand made contact, Mina’s entire body seemed to tremble against her, and Mina let out a muffled sob with her face hanging down.

And as Momo gazed down at Mina, shoulders shaking as she cried, the heaviness within her chest returned in a maelstrom, and she could do nothing but pulled Mina to her embrace with her nose buried onto the jasmine-scented hair.

*

Then there was the rain.

Momo averted her eyes from the road to Mina sitting beside her. The driving had been quiet, save for Momo tapping onto the steering wheel. Mina hadn’t said anything since they left the school and Momo knew better than to ask.

Frankly, Momo didn’t have any particular destination to go. Mina didn’t say anything about it either. And so, Momo drove her car around the city before pulled up in front of Mina’s apartment.

The engine hummed before it went completely off. Momo reclined her chair and let neck went slack on the headrest. She really needed a good sleep now.

“Thank you.”

She glanced at Mina, and scoffed.

“For what?”

Momo expected Mina to touch her but the girl was still sitting straight on her seat with her hands clasped on her lap.

“I don’t know why I’m thanking you either,” was all Mina could suffice.

Momo watched the water pelted down the front window of her car. The rain didn’t seem to disappear anytime soon.

“You should head back,” Mina scuffled on her seat as she prepared to leave. The girl turned around and sent a small smile to Momo.

Momo shrugged off her jacket and handed it to Mina. “Use this to cover your head.”

Those pretty brown eyes were staring wide at the sudden gesture of gentleness, and Momo had to look sideway to hide her blush. A moment later, Momo felt Mina’s lips on her cheek, kissing her tenderly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Mina murmured, rubbing her thumb along Momo’s wounded lip. “Drive safely, okay?”

Momo nodded and watched Mina as the girl ran out of her car and disappeared into the building. The jacket was still on her hand.

The feeling was still settling low in her gut; that same feeling that dragged Momo down and the burden was becoming too much to carry.

What's her excuse now?


	7. Without A Word

 

_I still want to drown whenever you leave_

_Please teach me gently on how to breathe_

 

_Shelter - Birdy_

 

Mina was always indifferent. She’s always _fucking_ indifferent and Momo was confused out of her mind. Mina knew what she’s doing and she didn’t even care what people think about her.

Momo saw it one time. Mina was quietly staring at hateful scrawls on her locker while people snickering around her. And Momo waited for anything, for Mina to get angry, but nothing came as Mina proceeded to deposit her books into the locker and left without a word.

Then she remembered the crying.

Then the hospital. The bruises, the begging plea, the rolling tears.

Mina showed indifference to the world, but to Momo, Mina showed something else.

Fragility? Insecurity?

 _Submission_ , probably.

Mina didn’t talk to Momo in school. Didn’t sit close to Momo when they shared a class, didn’t bother to greet Momo when they crossed paths in the courtyard. So, Momo ignored Mina back and tried not to get too involved again.

But there was a moment when Mina made a pass on Momo in the middle of the busy hallway. A simple moment when Mina’s fingers were tender as they clutched around Momo’s wrist. A moment when Mina deliberately dropped her pen, kneeled next to Momo’s feet, and brushed her hand on Momo’s legs briefly. A simple gesture, a fleeting touch, a soft smile that held secrets.

Thus, Momo found herself in the club again, nursing a cold beer with the same despondent look. The air was thick with the stench of alcohol and cheap perfumes. She observed everything around her—the crowd was larger tonight than most days.

A dancer came under the violet gleams with the long stride of her legs as she stepped on the catwalk. The men in the front rows howled their anguished thirsts as they raised their hands, waving bills of every value for the dancer. The music dropped low in the background alongside her movement.

Momo felt herself walking across the crowded floor, eyes looking at nothing but to the dancer. She kept her mouth closed. It’s either she couldn’t talk or she’s afraid her heart would resonate in her voice if she dared to open her mouth. She pushed herself forward, didn’t even stop to care when she kicked a man on his shin.

Sharon was standing on the platform, a curvy smile on her lips and her hair dropped messy on the side of her face. She gave a small lick to her finger as she rolled her hips. The mini skirt fluttered and left nothing to imagination. Then her gaze fell to a sole girl standing by the railing and Sharon felt nothing but delight.

She dropped onto her knees, neck slacking with her eyes closed. A breathy sigh escaped from her lips. In anguish. In pleasure. The crowds went wilder with their cries it almost sent the room imploding. But the dancer didn’t seem too affected because she still had that look of pure ecstasy on her pretty face as she slowly crawled along the catwalk.

Momo shuddered as a familiar burn coiling down her spine. Sharon was looking at her with sin in her eyes. The dancer brought her hand to her neck and caressed herself, toying on the collarbone while grinding her hips against the floor—back and forth, _back and forth…_

_I want you._

Momo didn’t answer. The lump on her throat got thicker as she watched Sharon’s face just a breath away from her. She could see the moles on Sharon’s face, could smell the sweet fragrance of jasmine and sweat. Sharon’s breath was on Momo’s mouth and it was tempting. _Vehemently_ so.

_I want you._

Crescent marks began to form on Momo’s palm as she unclenched her fists. There was this indescribable urge to take Sharon. Right here, in front of the people, and let the world watch how fuck up they were, just like what they did in the chemistry lab.

The violet lights that poured down from above was as blinding as Sharon’s existence, flickering as it formed a dark halo above the dancer’s head—a fitting irony for the angel of this underworld.

Momo raised her hand. Sharon’s face was cold and smooth against her fingertips. This would get her to trouble but Momo wanted to believe that touching Shar—Mina was a privilege for her. _Only_ for her.

Momo had been keeping a morbid fantasy to herself. It was obsession, passion, maybe something she couldn’t live without. She put her thumb to Mina’s bottom lip, pressing the flesh down until Mina’s lips parted and Momo felt hot breath on her hand.

_I want you. So much._

Mina allowed herself to lean on Momo, with her red lips on Momo’s fingers and kissed each digit without breaking eye contact. Mina wasn’t listening to the roaring crowds because in this little bubble she was in, only Momo that mattered. She craved that touch; she’s willing to bare herself for this girl.

This must be what crazy felt like.

And Mina chose to pull away, not after giving one last kiss on Momo’s knuckle. Lips curled to a sneer that screamed mockery, expectation, longing, and everything else in between. Momo couldn’t help but shudder when Mina threw a wink at her before sauntering off to sate the thirst on the other side of the stage.

_Let’s fuck around._

*

There’s something horrifying about all of this. She’s back in Mina’s room. Mina’s here. She’s here. They’re just as real as anybody else.

Mina’s moans spun inside her head like the deep thrum of the bass in the club, and Momo was shivering when she slid her fingers between Mina’s legs. She’s bending on the bed, skin to skin with Mina under her, listening to Mina’s moans and how she arched as Momo slipped inside her and twisting.

Mina was breathless, fingers scrunched up the thin sheets as she followed the rhythm of Momo’s fingers. Momo sighed at the soft noise, bending on Mina, and pressed lofty kisses on the moles on Mina’s smooth backside.

“Doing it like this…” Mina breathed with a thick voice, “… I can’t help but to—oh, ah… think that…” Mina let out a yelp when Momo’s thumb pressed on Mina’s swollen bundle of nerves, “we’re just like dogs.”

Momo only laughed and twisted her wrist, pushing in a steady motion. Mina was wet and it was very easy for Momo to slide inside her. The room was filled with the noises of their skins slapping.

“Dogs don’t have fingers,” Momo’s voice was hot against Mina’s ear as she spoke.

Mina’s voice trailed to a breathless gasp. “Your fingers are amazing, though.”

Leave it to Mina to have the weirdest dirty talk and if it’s someone else, Momo would probably kick that person without a second thought. But of course Mina could talk about grilled cheese in the middle of sex and Momo would still turn on by it.

Momo didn’t mind when Mina harshly pulled her by the hair and the mouths met in a rough kiss. She didn’t mind when Mina’s teeth sunk into her lip as she struggled to keep the orgasm at bay. Momo kissed Mina back. She kissed Mina with every lit of obsession, with everything she had because that’s what she knew. She only knew how to kiss Mina, how to make Mina feel good. Everything tasted sweet, everything felt so good, so hot, and when Mina stiffened and clenched around her, Momo moaned and gave one last push.

This was going to be another mistake yet neither of them cared.

*

Momo’s forehead creased as she heard a soft snore beside her. Opening one eye, she wasn’t a bit surprised to see Myoui Mina sleeping soundly beside her with mouth hung half open.

Momo was supposed to collect her clothes and left the room but now she just couldn’t find a reason to leave. Not like this when Mina was looking bare and vulnerable before her. Mina was sleeping on the side and facing Momo; the light from the balcony sent a heavy shadow over her face.

Momo asked herself. What’s going on between them, really? The ambiguity of this relationship had taken a toll on Momo. Fuck buddies was a crude word and Momo never liked what it implied, but there’s no other word that could describe this relationship better than that. They had been doing this repeatedly and if this continued, Momo had no one to blame but herself.

Just like the good old proverb said: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Momo sighed and walked out from the bed, picking up her tee from the floor and made her way to the kitchen. She rummaged through Mina’s unkempt fridge and found nothing but instant food and vegetables two days from rotting inside.

She opened the cabinet next and couldn’t help but to raise an eyebrow at the sight of five boxes of Milo inside. Momo wondered whether she had to look for a research journal about addiction to dairy products.

In the end, she decided to make herself a glass of Milo. Her eyes were cloudy as she stirred the hot chocolate. She bit down on the inside of her cheek until it hurt and let out another sigh when soft footsteps padded behind her.

“I thought you left,” Mina greeted. Her voice was harsh and Momo had to contain her blush because she knew exactly why it became like that.

“Still dark outside,” Momo reasoned. She deliberately didn’t turn around to face Mina, wary at what might greet her. “Want some?”

She heard Mina hum. “Yeah.”

Momo took a mug with penguin motif and made another. When Momo turned around, she realized that she made a mistake. Mina was sitting there, only wrapped in thin, white shirt that held her dignity together.

Clearing her throat, Momo brought the mug and put it in front of Mina. Then she took a seat on the opposite side and pursed her lips.

The thing was, and it’s pretty obvious now, that there’s no easy way to talk to Mina. Momo had counted how many times they talked to each other and ended up arguing. It’s something of a routine for them, aside from spontaneous sex, and Momo started to get tired of it.

She watched Mina took a small sip of her drink.

“Good?”

The other girl looked up at Momo and flashed a small smile. “It’s delicious.”

Momo nodded and took a sip herself. The hot liquid that ran down her throat calmed her combusting nerves.

“Are you hungry? I can buy takeouts.”

“I’ll try to survive by drinking this tonight.”

That earned her a laugh from Mina. “Scared of getting fat?”

Momo passed an easy smile.“I don’t look good when I’m chubby.”

“Peachy, Hirai,” Mina chided with a smile, “I bet you’re still going to look pretty.”

There was a tense silence hanging on the air that neither of them dared to break, and Momo was left with her mind again. She didn’t like the domesticity, the awkwardness of sitting in each other’s presence like they’re past lovers or—

Momo stopped stirring.

“Tell me,” Momo said, still holding the spoon like her life depended on it, “what are we doing?”

Mina sighedlike she always did when the conversation turned to a more dangerous territory.

“I want to say that we made love.” Momo was glad she’s not facing Mina because she couldn’t bear the shame if Mina saw her face right now. “But we’re not lovers, so I’m going to say that we just fucked.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Momo reeled in. Her patience was wearing thin. “What are _we doing_? This…” she made a gesture with her hand, “this game we play. What is this?”

Mina didn’t outwardly react and just stared at Momo, straight through her. The look on Mina’s face was disarming and Momo wished she could just ignore it.

“I don’t know.” Mina shook her head and gave the table a despondent look that turned to frustration in a mere second. She knew her answer but somehow it was harder to spill it out when it’s asked directly to her.

“You don’t know,” Momo repeated, voice almost cracked in desperation. “If you don’t know, imagine how hard it is for me!”

Mina’s hair fell around her bare shoulders as she shook her head in a bitter chuckle. “It must be really easy to put the blame on someone else, right Momo?”

Momo ran her hand through her hair in a fit of frustration. No. She’s not going to get angry. She needed answers, not another round of pointless arguments.

“You said we can have a normal relationship,” her voice caught in her throat. Momo hated showing weakness but now wasn’t the time to be, as Mina eloquently pointed, a colossal asshole. “Tell me. Is this the relationship you want to have?”

It was Momo’s own fault for feeling like this. And Momo was so overwhelmed, she made herself believe that what she felt for Mina was just lust. Hatred even. _Because Mina was just a stripper. Mina wasn’t any better than her.That Mina was just another manipulative bitch who used her body to get what she wanted._

“… that’s why it’s impossible for us,” Momo kept rambling, didn’t even realize that she’s just voicing her thoughts out loud, “what makes you think we’re allowed to have it?”

Mina had never put a lot of thought about relationship, but the case was different when it was with Momo. She was used to have people fawning over her and Mina rarely let herself fell for any of them. She never looked for any compliment because the world had offered it to her in a silver platter. That was her routine. That’s what she’s used to: having the world kneeled before her.

But Momo was different. Momo didn’t give her compliment. Momo insulted her in the worst way Mina could ever imagine. And things got a little spiteful from there.

“I’m not going to pretend that things will go on our way,” Mina answered resolutely with her gaze settled on Momo’s face. Eyes like liquid tar making Momo’s chest tightened. Momo breathed and Mina was smiling. “But if it means that I can be with you, even if it’s just like this…”

Momo’s senses were on overdrive as another silence fell between them. She felt nauseous as something made a pass on her, something that Momo would never want to acknowledge. But she wanted to know. Momo was sick of all the uncertainty and for once, she wanted to have some clarity.

“What do you want from me?”

Mina’s eyes were red with tears as she looked up to Momo. Just like that, Momo was paralyzed when Mina grabbed her by the collar and pressed a kiss on the corner of her lips.

That was Mina’s answer.

*

Momo was never a good liar, but it was easier to lie these days now that she had a secret to keep.

She watched Jeongyeon ranting about the preparation of the festival that’s due next week, about her professors that just assigned her with ten pages of essays—basically about everything. Momo tried to listen with interest, she really did, but her mind wasn’t in the right place.

She poked the cafeteria’s weird looking steak with her fork. Whoever cooked this, they didn’t seem to have any intention to make it edible.

“Don’t play with your food.” Momo looked up and saw Jeongyeon staring at her with a small grin.

Momo shrugged and dropped the fork. “I’m a chef, I know what food is like. This isn’t one.”

“You tell me,” Jeongyeon snorted as sheleaned back on her chair to get comfortable. “Where have you been these days?”

True. Momo had been ditching Jeongyeon lately and it’s normal for her to ask Momo about it. However, could she really be blamed though? Momo had secrets and she knew Jeongyeon would be far from happy when she heard it.

“I was busy.”

“And so was I, but I kept sending you messages. I tried to call you, but it seemed you’re too… _preoccupied_ with whatever you’re doing at the moment.”

 “I guess I missed it.”Momo brought the cup to her mouth and swallowed a mouthful of soda.

Jeongyeon was still smiling as she replied, not missing a beat. “I guess Mina has been keeping you busy?”

Momo spat her drink and coughed violently. Jeongyeon could only watch. “What?”

Jeongyeon shrugged, impassive. She clasped her hand on her lap while giving Momo a look. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

Momo didn’t miss disappointment in Jeongyeon’s eyes.

_She knew. She knew. She knew._

Momo listened to the background noises around her. Jeongyeon was looking around just to keep herself preoccupied, her fingers tapping on the chair.

“Jeong,” Momo started, “how long have we been together?”

“Oh so you’re asking about it now?” Jeongyeon sneered, “why? Feeling nostalgic all of a sudden?”

Momo winced, but she didn’t talk back.

Jeongyeon sighed through her nose in impatience. “It’s been a year.”

Momo nodded as she tried to rehearse her lines. “I… uh, you know I’m not good at lying, right?”

Jeongyeon was still unfazed. It’s as if she had prepared for it.

“So? Spit it out already.”

“This will hurt.” Momo waited, eyes unblinking as she shifted on her seat. When Jeongyeonhadn’t reacted, Momo steeled herself to continue. “I’ve been sleeping with Mina.”

Jeongyeon looked away from Momo and Momo wished Jeongyeon could show some anger instead of keeping quiet. Anything but silence. “So it’s true,” she muttered, “the rumors are true.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need your sorry!” Jeongyeon’s voice was trembling and it felt like a wrench gutting on Momo’s belly. “I’m asking you why you never told me about this!”

Momo’s eyes shifted away and she could feel Jeongyeon’s judging glare on her skin. “Because I’m a coward.”

“Don’t tell me you’re also…”

Momo swallowed down the lump in her throat. She knew exactly what Jeongyeon was about to ask. The rumors had spread and everybody in this school already knew about it.

“Yes.”

“And that night after our date…”

“That one too.”

Momo looked down, her teeth clenching hard. This was bound to happen but nobody told her that being honest would be this hard. Painful, even. And Momo thought it was unfair for Jeongyeon because Momo knew Jeongyeon deserved someone better than a dirty cheater.

“So you saw her in the club and slept with her?”

“I did.”

Momo didn’t see anything when she felt a cold liquid on her face. The cafeteria suddenly went quiet and everyone was looking at Momo and Jeongyeon in confusion. Momo, taking a deep breath, opened one eyes and stared at Jeongyeon standing in front of her while holding an empty glass.

“You’re a piece of shit.”

Momo didn’t deny; she didn’t even go after Jeongyeon when the latter stomped out to the hall. Inwardly, she was relieved her face was wet because it’d be embarrassing if people saw her crying.

*

Today passed in a blur and before she knew it, Momo was inside the kitchen when Chief Park called her from the door. When she stepped outside, she saw Chief Park standing near the truck as he checked on the latest shipment. Momo approached him.

“Yea Chief?”

“Ah Hirai,” he greeted without looking away from the packing list, “how are you today?”

Momo almost rolled her eyes. Was there a neon sign above her head that screamed ‘I’m a dirty cheater’ in all caps?

“Getting by. Why?”

The man glanced at Momo briefly before continued checking on the list. “Just curious.You’ve been really gloomy, and you’re not even focusing on cooking. I received a lot of complaints. They said the food tasted too salty, the meat was overcooked, there’s an eggshell inside the omelet.”

Momo bit her lip. “I’m sorry.”

Chief Park put down the list and gave Momo a reprimanding look. “Do you still want to work here?”

Her neck was stiff as she nodded. “Yes.”

“Then hold yourself together!” his voice was stern and Momo didn’t miss the disappointment in it. “When you do your job poorly, you’re not only bringing a bad name to yourself but also you’re going to take everyone with it!”

Momo kept her gaze down. “I understand, sir.”

“I’ve been doing this business for more than two decades, Hirai. This place has a reputation and I don’t want anything _or_ anyone taint it with incompetency. Got it?”

She nodded again.

“Go back inside,” he pointed at the kitchen door. “And please focus this time.”

“Okay.”

She returned to her previous spot in front of the bubbling pot of stew. She watched it sizzle and even though she had to stir it, Momo did nothing but staring.

“That stew won’t cook itself unless you’re stirring it, Hirai.” Jackson tapped on the girl’s shoulder and took the ladle from Momo’s hand, prompting Momo to step aside so he could do the job. The girl obeyed without uttering a single word. “Why don’t you help me peel the potatoes hm? It seems you’re not fully on your chef mode today.”

Again, Momo obeyed without a word. She picked a potato started peeling it, ignoring the look Jackson gave her. They didn’t talk after that. Momo was still peeling on the potato although the pace was as fast as a running tortoise.

“Mina loves me.”

She didn’t see the surprised look on Jackson’s face. “Seriously?”

“She has the worst humor, this is one of it.”

Jackson wasn’t a fool. The first time Momo told him about her kiss with Mina, he knew where this would end. He tried not to pry too much about Momo’s private life but hearing this directly from the girl was still giving him quite a shock.

“What about Jeong?”

The corner of Momo’s mouth quirked up in a bitter sneer.

“She said I’m a piece of shit.”

“You deserve it,” he told Momo with a calm voice that was quite unsettling, “the rumors are already everywhere and you’re not even trying to keep it subtle.”

Momo turned to look at Jackson. This was the first eye contact for today.

“What?”

“Please, who are you trying to fool here?” Jackson bemoaned like he’s trying to debunk a myth about unicorn’s existence, “Somi told me that you dumped Chungha’s phone to the toilet after you watched that video. If it doesn’t mean you have something going on, then I don’t know what that is.”

Again, Momo didn’t answer.

“Do you love her?”

Momo stared off to the hole on the ceiling, thought maybe she could just disappear into the black hole where her feelings didn’t feel like chains around her chest. She opened her mouth to talk and her voice sounded weird in her ears as she spoke, like she’s listening to someone else’s voice.

“Do I look like I love her?”

*

Momo had entered and exited Mina’s apartment building five times, debating whether she should barge in but she didn’t want to have trouble with the superintendent. There’s an old lady exiting the place and Momo took her chance to slip in. She walked up three floors to Mina’s unit and although the hallway was dark, Momo could find Mina’s door almost too easily.

It’s anticlimactic in sort of way. Momo looked at her phone. It was two minutes before midnight and she realized that Mina was probably in the club right now. Another crooked smile formed on her lips as her stomach churned in a most uncomfortable way. Momo sat on the floor and hugged her knees. She didn’t know anywhere else to go and wished she could fall asleep.

She heard footsteps. And when Momo looked up, she saw Mina staring down at her with wide eyes.

The feeling was confusing. Anger, distrust, resentment, but more to that, there’s some sort of longing in there. Momo couldn’t decide which feeling she felt the most, but Mina was here and Momo had decided that Mina was someone she needed. For now, at least.

Mina took her in. No questions, hands on Momo’s back as she ushered Momo inside her apartment. Momo started to panic.

Two minutes. It took her two minutes to realize that her feelings were a mess and everything around her began to blur. She forced herself to breathe and when she looked up, Mina was standing before her; her face was pale, very beautiful.

“What happened?”

Mina’s voice was low, her fingers curled on the hem of Momo’s jacket.

“I don’t feel so well,” Momo replied with a dry voice. She took Mina’s hands off her jacket and laced their fingers together. “I’m probably sick,” she laughed but she’s also trembling. “It feels terrible, really. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Mina blurted, shaking her head.

“Eh,” Momo’s smile was crooked. Bitter. Her eyes narrowed and she looked away. “Nothing’s making any sense anymore. I’m just not good at hiding it.”

“Momo, you—”

Momo cut Mina off before she could say anything further. Her mouth covering Mina’s and this time Momo was kissing Mina first. It was her own initiative and Momo didn’t know where did it come from. All the frustration, the confusion, the unanswered questions burst to surface as she pulled Mina close.

The beating in her heart got harder as seconds ticked by. She remembered about her dreams, about her fantasy about Mina, about the desire, hatred, longing, obsession, and everything else in between that Momo wasn’t able to name. So Mina kissed her back; teeth sunk to her lip and Momo hissed. She pressed closer, circling her arms around Mina’s waist because Momo was selfishly trying to reassure herself that this moment wasn’t just a figment of her imagination.

Momo pulled away, for a brief moment, to breathe. “Can I—” Momo swallowed, “can I stay here?”

They’re breathing hard and amidst her hazy mind, Momo could see a tender smile forming on Mina’s bruised lips.

“You don’t have to go anywhere,” was all Mina say to her. “You can stay. As long as you want.”

It felt like a confession. A weird one, and definitely not the best one. But, if anything, this confession was Momo’s—no, this confession was _theirs_.

And for once, Momo wanted to believe that this wasn’t just another mistake.


	8. Tricks

_Hey boy, take a look at me_

_Let me dirty up your mind_

_I’ll strip away your hard veneer_

_And see what I can find._

_Queer - Garbage_

 

Mina swayed her hips. The pink strands of her hair covered her right eye as she let her body moved with the music, feeling the white heat on her skin. The rushing blood in tight veins roared in her ears as she dropped on her knees, fingers crept along the line of her underwear.

_Sharon. Sharon. Sharon._

Her name. Yes. That’s _her_ name, the same name that people were crazy about, the same name that became the sole obsession of the wolves inside this packed den. They called her in a drunken thirst, to get her attention because Sharon was everything that mattered now.

Mina flicked her neck, her mouth hung open as she breathed heavily. Her bare skin was glowing blue under the fake moonlight, looking ethereal and sinful in a barest sense of all. Arms reached up to the sky together with the chant of Mina’s name, loud, _crazy_. They’re heathens and Mina was their false goddess.

Mina looked through the grins, through the nameless face, as the heathens continued bouncing up. Salt from her sweat mixed as she licked her lips, sending another wicked smile—of course, they liked it.

Mina was a shy girl, once, she recalled, in a distant time she preferred to forget. There were times when she was hiding behind the shadow, weak, sublime in retrospect, lonely—but she shut away those thoughts, closed the books, and moved forward.

Now, she’s going to enjoy the world.

She smiled to think of the havoc she would wreck.

*

“Do you have a family here?”

The club was empty as it’s still fairly early into the evening.  There were two men cleaning the floor while the others were doing other chores such as checking at the lamps and the poles. Mina always came before the club open because that’s where she could enjoy the limited time she had before returning to her role as the puppet master.

“Asking about my personal matter is not part of the contract.”

Minseok rolled his eyes and put a glass of hot Milo in front of Mina. “A girl has been coming here couple of times and she’s always watching you dancing.”

Mina took a sip of drink before leaning onto the bar.

“My family is on the other side of the South China Sea and too busy to come here,” Mina quipped. Talking about her family always irritated her. “About this girl you’re talking... did you ask her name?”

“Nope. Compared to other people, she’s a bit different.”

“Really?”

Minseok hummed. “When I said she’s only watching you, I meant she’s watching _only you._ Didn’t give two shit about other dancers and bolted once you’re finished.”

That piqued Mina’s interest. However, the girl was smart enough to keep her curiosity to herself, so she just nodded in dismissal.

“A stalker?” Minseok inquired again. This time the tone of his voice was serious. “I can put more men in front door.”

“You own this place. I can’t give too much opinion about how you run the security,” Mina waved Minseok off as she put her glass down. “But I don’t think she’s a stalker. I’m just a regular student, not idols or anything.”

Minseok sighed. He still remembered the day when she met Mina for the first time. As much as he was pleased to have Mina working with him, he was also wary about Mina’s status as a student. He had to do a background check on Mina, which something he rarely did, to make sure that this girl was legal and not involved in any kind of trafficking or anything. The last thing he wanted to see was a half of Seoul Metropolitan Police raiding this place.

“Fine,” Minseok relented. He took one last look to the bar and flicked a speck of dust away. “But she hasn’t paid off her tab, so I’m going to cut your paycheck as compensation.”

“What does it have to do with me?” the young dancer protested.

“Just think of it as a security measure,” Minseok winked before waving Mina off, “now get ready. We’re going to open soon.”

*

The first fact she learned: the students at school were no different from the clubs.

At lunchtime, people were crowding her from every angle and some of them boys (even the seniors) had the gall to ask her number. There were rumors about her status, some were true (she clocked the highest score and went in by scholarship) while some of them were completely pretentious (her parents were tycoon and she was the sole heir of a multibillion dollar business).

Weekends were for parties and there’s always one for Mina to attend. The biggest one was from 3Mix, which was a club for a bunch of students flocked around and being pretentious assholes like any other rich kids. The club leader Nayeon invited Mina to the party. Nayeon supervised her entrance, took her inside, and personally introduced Mina around as if she’s a royalty form a far off country.

Mina’s presence was a breeze of fresh air, something divine illuminating the darkness. Otherworldly. With her little black dress she walked into the room, making heads turn and people couldn’t stop looking at her.

Being a puppet master had never felt so good.

*

The first time Mina met her was in the library.

Mina stared at her over the gaps of book. Nothing too romantic about that. The person across from her was looking as if she just awoke from an afternoon nap.

“Something on my face?”

The voice that greeted her was coarse. Mina blinked and quickly looked down. She inhaled the smell of something fruity from the girl—tangerines, maybe? Tangerines mixed with the smell of old books.

“Rain. Again.”

Mina peered up and watched the person across her was looking to the window. Judging for her voice, she sounded like she disliked rain. Well, Mina could share the sentiment.

“Yeah. Seems like it’s going to be a while,” Mina added with a slow nod. She took her glance to peek at the girl. “You need to be somewhere?”

The person made a motion like she’s shrugging. Her dirty blonde hair swayed along the movement of her head.

“Work.”

There’s actually a proper way to make this conversation less weird. She should have walked to the other side so she could talk to this girl properly. Yet, Mina found this situation oddly fascinating. There’s a sense of familiarity about this girl that pulled Mina in, that tickled Mina’s curiosity for more secrets to unfold.

“Where are you going?” Mina blurted, and surprised herself at the feeling of disappointment that this girl would leave her.

“Out. I’m hungry,” the girl replied. Nonchalance. And Mina felt a bit hurt at that.

The footsteps were getting faint before they disappeared completely, leaving Mina with the deafening silence.

*

The second time happened like an accident.

This week had been hectic with assignments and Mina was too tired to go anywhere this weekend. She was planning to sleep all day but Nayeon had texted her that Sanctum2000 was the hottest club in the city and it’d be stupid if Mina didn’t come.

Whatever that meant, curiosity got the best of her.

Mina already changed into something more presentable as she stepped down the narrow staircase of her apartment. She hadn’t bought anything fancy just yet, but this red dress was her favorite because it fit to her body perfectly. The clock in the front lobby showed it’s already five minutes to ten.

She showed the address to the taxi driver and sat in silence. Mina knew she was in the right place when she arrived. Luxury cars parked in neat rows. The bouncers stood by the front door to keep the uninvited from coming in. There was a line and Mina approached the bouncer and told him that Nayeon invited her. The guy let Mina in without asking too much.

“Mina, I’ve been waiting for you!” Nayeon greeted with a smile. She pulled Mina to a hug and gave the girl a chaste kiss on the cheek. “You look great tonight. Want to impress someone?”

Mina nodded absentmindedly. She looked around and found the club was different from anything she had been. The room was circular with the DJ booth was suspended on the metal wires a few feet above the ground in the center of the dance floor. In addition, there’s a spiral staircase led to the VIP room on the second floor where most of the riches gathered.

“Let’s go upstairs. Everyone is already there.”

If there’s one thing that Mina hated, it’s listening to another slob bragging about their parents wealth as if they earned it themselves. That, and Mina wasn’t in the mood to smile for the rest of the night.

“I’m going to the toilet first. Where is it?”

“Oh it’s over there. Don’t take too long. The party won’t wait for you.”

With that, the older girl left Mina and made her way to the second floor. After making sure that Nayeon had left, Mina made her way to the bar. The club wasn’t crowded but the horrible lighting made it difficult for her to walk without bumping to someone. She took an empty seat near the bar and ordered a glass of water.

The person beside her was also looking like she’s not in the mood for party too. If anything, she preferred to watch the sideline, leaning back in her chair while sipping at her pineapple margarita. Perhaps she was bored, or perhaps she just wanted to enjoy the party without wasting too much energy. Mina was observing the girl. The sharp feature of her side profile was distinctive, a bit intimidating, but stunning nonetheless.

A terrible sense of déjà vu struck Mina when the girl suddenly turned to look at her.

Mina looked down. For someone who enjoyed being the center of attention, Mina got too self-conscious when the girl was looking at her. Those eyes were intoxicated but as Mina took a closer look, they’re incredibly sharp and disarming. The brown in those irises was thick and blown and Mina couldn’t move.

Not one to be rude, Mina greeted first.

“Hello.”

The girl just nodded her head briefly and gazed her eyes back to the dance floor.

“Nayeon invited you too?”

“Something like that.”

Mina remembered that bored voice from the library. She didn’t want to admit it but she felt somewhat ecstatic to listen to that voice again. Mina was thankful that the room was dark because she was smiling like a kid in a toyshop at this unexpected encounter.

“I believe I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Myoui Mina.”

The girl put her drink down. “I know. You’re in everybody’s mouth so it’s kinda hard to ignore you.”

Mina blushed. “What’s your name?”

“Hirai Momo.”

Mina studied this girl over the rim of her glass. The casualness of this girl was making her more curious. Somehow, Mina wanted to know more about this girl, to read the thought behind the aloof expression that seemed permanently etched on her face.

“You here alone?”

“With my friend. She’s probably upstairs. I kinda lost her.”

Mina chuckled. “This party must be really boring for you huh?”

Momo hummed. She took another sip of her margarita, wincing at the taste. “It’s just a place for a bunch of pretentious flops snooping around and all the glittering assholes who’s hungry for attention even if it’s just a lie. But that’s what they want to hear. They love empty compliments. People are fucked up, but at the very least, they do it with style.”

It’s like someone slapped her face with a cold towel. Momo spoke plainly and Mina felt like Momo was directing it at her. The girl was mortified as something weird began gnawing at the base of her stomach.

“So you’re admitting that you fuck up in some way too?”

“Who doesn’t fuck up these days?” Momo snorted then glanced briefly at Mina. The way Momo ran her eyes on Mina’s body made it hard for the other girl to contain her blush. “It makes life less boring.”

Momo’s sarcasm was actually funny, and Mina always appreciated a good humor regardless how dark it was. “You’re interesting.”

“Of course.”

“How come we haven’t talked in school before?”

Momo leaned to the bar to get comfortable. “Oh I dunno. Maybe you’re too busy being the queen bee and forget there’s a world outside your comfort bubble.”

Her tone was measured, but the sharp gaze she’d directed at Mina held something more. But Mina boldly met her eyes, a small smile—polite but fake, belying her face.

“And is that a problem for you Hirai?” she asked with genuine curiosity. “You don’t look like a jealous type.”

Someone was belting a note from the karaoke at the second floor. The voice was horrendously bad and Mina thought, with a mild grudge, it’d be nice if that person had their vocal cord broken so they couldn’t sing for at least two weeks.

“Girls always feel jealous to one another,” Momo waved it off like Mina’s words were something she already knew. “It’s like a defense mechanism. We see someone doing well, get bitter, we badmouth the loser who makes us feel crappy, and end up hating ourselves more. Rinse and repeat.”

Mina raised a delicate brow. “Christ. Who hurt you?”

To Mina’s surprise, Momo was laughing. Either she found the statement funny or she’s already drunk, Mina couldn’t decide.

“You can say I have a very bleak view of life.”

Mina snickered. “A charming quality.”

“Not as charming as a stripper though.”

The smart thing would have been to leave Momo and never looked back. However, Mina was still sitting on the spot with her mind already reeling with every possibility—all the while very much aware that Hirai Momo knew more than she let on.

“Is this how you flirt with people?”

“Only with the ones I like.”

“So you find me interesting?”

Momo narrowed her eyes. “You are sickening.”

“What?”

The girl still had her eyes closed.

“You are sickening,” Momo ventured casually, her voice slightly slurred under the influence of alcohol. She wiped her face to sober up but only managed to keep her bangs from pricking on her eyes. “You and your little act, playing around with people, with that smile… You make me sick.”

Mina was used to be insulted, but having a stranger insulted her in a drunken rambling in the middle of the club?

“Have you been waiting to tell me this?”

The small sneer on Momo’s lips would make a lesser man cower in fear. Strangely, Mina felt nothing but a strong attraction to it. Weird and yet it‘s morbidly desiring.

“For a while,” Momo remarked with a bored tone, “I’m not one to take the first step. It’s not my philosophy.”

“Nice to know that you still have some kind of decency, Hirai.”

Momo stood up from the stool and swallowed the last drop of her margarita. There’s a moment of silence between them, a moment of attraction—at least Mina preferred to think of it that way, as they stared to each other with the music blaring in the background. The thumping bass echoed how hard her heart was beating against her ribcage.

“Maybe because I still want to enjoy this lovely tension we have between us. Have a blissful night, Myoui.”

Mina watched Momo climbed the spiral staircase and attached herself to a shorthaired girl by the railing. Momo was whispering something to the other girl and giggling like _that kind_ of couple Mina always read in cheap romance novels. Mina took another sip of the water and contorted her face.

The water didn’t taste that good anymore.

*

They said third time was a charm. Predictable and yet unavoidable.

They all flocked to her. The music was loud; it pounded through her body and shook her bones. Lights were flashing red and green, bright and blinding, catching on her face and the dark polish of her nails. She let instinct took over as she danced next to another person. Everyone was too close to each other. No sense of personal space and Mina let he body immersed into the wave.

Machiavellian eyes and Cheshire grins flashed under the vibrant neon. The demons were surrounding her, playful and ready to consume her soul.

Mina shuddered at the feeling of having someone staring at her from the dark, watching into her like they’re trying to burn holes on her skin. The feeling was unfamiliar as Mina always had it back in the club.

But this one was different.

It made her anxious—and curious, if it’s possible.

Her pulse quickened. She embraced the feeling, the sensation. Whatever that person was doing, they did a terribly good job to make her feel so naked like this. Dancing figures were circling around her. The roof was too weak to contain the implosion of energy. She turned around and caught someone’s eyes flashed against the shadows. Somber and disarming.

Mina chuckled darkly.

Someone was in the mood for playing tonight.

A guy at the end of the bar caught Mina’s attention and he reciprocated with a wolfish grin on his face as he walked up to her.

The guy was good looking but that’s not important now. Mina had one thing in mind as she pulled him by his collar and kissed him deeply. The girl on the other side of the room didn’t react in a way Mina wanted, however, it was pretty obvious that the girl was affected if that deep scowl on her face was any indication.

A tingle of satisfaction sparked in Mina. She liked riling up Momo, especially now that it’s no secret that they’ve been preying on each other like hungry animals. Moreover, Momo knew how to hit just as hard because she replied Mina’s gesture by pulling the girl beside her, whom Mina assumed was Momo’s girlfriend, and kissing her with much fervor.

Here they were, at each other’s faces with their respective partner only to satisfy their twisted desire for one another. Their eyes met and there’s a silent conversation in itself, and Mina enjoyed how bright Momo’s eyes amidst the darkness. It brought another surge of heat through her body.

The mousy man was still dazed as if Mina just sucked his soul dry and didn’t even do anything when Mina left him without a word. She’s careful enough to slip between the crowds unnoticed. She wondered vaguely if most people here were drunk already. Her dress started to annoy her. It felt too tight on her skin as she weaved her way through.

Once again, Mina found herself falling deeper into the trance.

A body brushed up against her from behind. Mina buried her fingers on the latter’s long locks— _a woman_. What a queer coincidence.

The figure behind her seemed to contemplate for a moment, as if she’s second-guessing herself, but it only for a moment before pulling Mina closer. Mina didn’t need to turn around to see the woman who boldly approached her like this. Mina choked back a smile. If they’re going to play this game in mystery, Mina would gladly follow along.

Mina sighed as the shadow pressed on her hips with her phantom hands. She shivered and leaned more closely to the person behind her. A breathy snicker ghosted along the shell of her ear and Mina was shivering again as the stranger guided Mina’s body to move together.

The air suddenly charged up with electricity as their dance became more intense, broken from all inhibition, dangerous. _Intimate_.

Mina heard a quite gasp that only heightened the heat in her loin. She turned around so they stood face to face. Heavy shadows prevented Mina to see Momo’s face, but the sensation remained the same because it only happened every time they’re together.

Mina caressed Momo’s face, noting how smooth her skin was, and felt the other girl shudder under her touch. Oh, if only Momo knew that Mina shared the same desire too. Feeling a bit bolder, Mina showed it with a slow thrust of her hips, to show that she was no different—that she had lost her mind and ready and hungry for another contact.

Momo held Mina by the waist so their bodies ebbing along with the thrumming of the bass. Those eyes grew a shade of darker as she leaned forward until their foreheads almost touching. Momo had stopped smiling and it was harder for Mina to make out whatever this girl was thinking now.

The lights transformed into crimson hues, heightening the atmosphere into a new level of temptation. Mina caught Momo looking at her with sin and her mouth pursed in a tight line. Something inside her was boiling in anticipation as Mina leaned in. _Slowly_. And teased Momo’s upper lip with a simple swipe of her tongue.

Momo’s shoulder was shaking as she pushed herself to Mina, all too eager to taste the sweet sin that’s Mina’s red lips.

Mina wasn’t the one that gave in easily. She knew what’s good for her. She knew Momo was dying too.

Coquettish grin formed in Mina’s lips as she removed herself from the devil’s snare.

“Patience, Hirai,” she mouthed.

Mina circled around the bewildered girl and left off but not before giving the stranger’s butt a firm squeeze. She could feel the stranger was still looking at her as she sauntered the dance floor with a sway of her hips.

The night air felt like a slap of cold water on her face. Mina’s teeth chattered, eyebrows met in a feeble attempt to keep the chill away. Mina leaned against the wall, breathing slow, careful, and closed her eyes to ease the throbbing on her skull. She bit her lip. Her fingers were dangerously close to her scalding hot center.

But Mina would never regress herself, especially not in an empty alleyway. Calling the cab, she told the driver her address. It was supposed to be a ten minutes drive and Mina was impatient. And once she arrived at her home, she quickly stripped off her dress and went straight to the bathroom.

Under the freezing water, Mina pinched her eyes tightly, relishing how hard her heart was hammering against herself as she let her mind replaying the detail about Momo and the sensual curve of her lips.

With a moan, she drove her fingers deep inside her. Flashes of Momo in the club with sin in her eyes as they danced in the dark were too much for her.

Mina came hard with her lips whimpering Momo’s name in this solitary confinement of her bathroom.

*

She walked into the cafeteria that one afternoon and suddenly hesitated.

Momo was sitting there alone, still with that sulky attitude Mina understood why. Soft and stiff, that left a bitter aftertaste on Mina’s tongue. The sun came in warm brightness and Mina noticed the way the light bringing out the color of Momo’s hair. Momo was attractive, beautiful in her own brooding way, and Mina found that quality really endearing.

Mina inhaled deeply. Their dynamic was fickle, shaky at best, and Mina was sure there’s no easy way for them to communicate. She let her neck go slack as watched Momo from afar and felt very hopeless.

She walked to the counter and filled her tray with food. With a defined step, Mina went to Momo’s table and sat there.

The expression on Momo’s face was priceless when she looked up at her.

“Yes?” Mina asked back, silently glad her voice came smooth enough to hide the nervousness bubbling in her stomach.

“There are other empty seats,” Momo leered at Mina, still with that adorable scowl.

“Yes, I can see that,” was all she said, with the same nonchalance she had learned from her first meeting with Momo. Mina flicked her hair and noticed the fire on Momo’s eyes that she knew too well.

The curve of Mina’s lips quirked in anticipation.

Let see how deep this rabbit hole goes.


	9. Moonlight

_So, if I let you back in close_

_Will you hurt me?_

_Don’t Come Close – Yeasayer_

Rejection was never Mina’s strong point, especially if it came from someone she deeply adored.

Mina put her ipod in the dock and blasted out a full volume as she trudged around her apartment, holding a broom in her hand with the intention to clean the house as an excuse to release her pent up frustration. The floor was a mess with cardboard boxes and suitcases she hadn’t had time to clean up. There were five copies of Black Widow comics cluttered on her desk and Mina had been binge read it for three days.

Mina didn’t read it because of Momo, although she found the fighting scenes amazing—regardless how over the top they were.

Mina knew she’d crack if she kept doing this. She admitted that kiss was a mistake, so she made up rules in her head, rules that disintegrated shortly every time she saw Momo. Because it’s really that easy and when Mina berated herself for being stupid (she wouldn’t call herself crazy, at least not now), she couldn’t stop herself from falling even deeper.

The constant ringing of her phone broke her fury-induced floor scrubbing routine. She dropped the brush and walked outside. The name on the screen had Mina groaned.

Sana always called her first and Sana would never leave her alone if she didn’t answer the call. A thick Kansai accent blared from the speaker a second later.

“ _Yo—what is that awful noise? Are you torturing someone?”_

Mina rolled her eyes. She listened to the background noises, could easily picturing Sana standing in the middle of the crowd in Dotonbori.

“Babymetal. It’s my workout song.”

She heard Sana laugh. “ _You sure you’re not trying to summon satan?”_

Mina walked into the living room and turned the music down. “It’s still too bright for that don’t you think?” she chirped back. The clock showed it’s still eleven in the morning. “What have I done to have the great Minatozaki Sana calling me?”

“ _You should be proud I call you first. I’m not one to make the first step._ ”

That statement was painfully familiar. Mina played with her hair as she sat down on the carpeted floor. It’s not as comfortable as the one back in her old room but this could suffice for a while.

“And you should be proud I’m bothered to answer this call. What is it chump?”

_“Oh nothing. I was just going through your pictures on my phone and I thought I should give you a call. You know, reminiscing the old flame.”_

A thin smile formed on Mina’s lips as she imagined the impish grin that Sana always had. “I’m sure you’re not short on pretty girls to flirt with.”

“ _Shame. I prefer flirting with you more._ ” Sana’s voice went serious this time, _“are you okay there?”_

Mina took a swig from the water bottle and straightened her sore legs. “Somewhere stuck between ‘joyful’ and ‘peachy’,” Mina deadpanned as she stared at the sky outside.

“ _What exactly are you doing, Mina?”_

Mina was never a fan of talking and it would be easier for her if she hung up on Sana. However, Sana was a dense, not to mention stubborn, and she never accepted no for an answer.

“Listen, Sana, no offense, can you stop being privy for once? You’re not my parents.”

_“I’m sure your parents are too busy to ask about your wellbeing.”_

Talking back to Sana was like asking for a free scolding with extra burns. The younger girl rolled her eyes in disdain. “I came here to study, and it’s not like I ran away from home! I just…” Mina held the urge to groan, “I just didn’t have time to tell them.”

That didn’t give Sana any conviction because the next statement she blurt dealt a huge blow to Mina’s defense.

“ _Running away won’t make your problems disappear, Mina.”_

Sana’s response held a tremendous amount of truth that did numbers to jog Mina’s memories to a distant past she’d rather forget. However, the damage still hit her right on the gut. The fun in reeling Sana was gone. Anger slowly bubbled inside her chest again.

“You should know better than stick your nose to other people’s problems.”

Sana’s laugh was nothing more than a mockery. _“Of course. I’m not the one who has mommy and daddy issues.”_

Sana was judging her with no holds barred. She ignored the mental image of Sana, who was probably smiling smugly at Mina’s lack of response.

“I’m hanging up.”

 _“You didn’t deny that you ran away because of that?_ ” Sana sneered. “ _You’re getting soft.”_

A bitter chuckle.  “I know. Embarrassing, right?”

_“So, how are the boys there?”_

Mina made a sound, something close to a scoff. “They’re good looking, but the girls are more interesting.”

Sana laughed. “ _Never the picky one.”_

“There’s a Japanese student here too,” Mina blurted, and then stopped. She wondered whether she had to tell Sana about Momo because, well, Sana could be really judgmental and she’s going to make sure that you knew it.

Unfortunately, Sana was already interested in the topic.

“ _Really? What’s the name?”_

“Hirai Momo.”

_“Is she hot?”_

It’s not Sana if she’s not asking the important question. “Yeah. And I think she hates me.”

“ _A progress. You already make an enemy there.”_ Sana retaliated with a bland tone, which Mina replied with an incoherent grumble. “ _Damn. Can’t even make a joke without being offensive. What did you do anyway?”_

Mina was hesitant. She reached for the water bottle and drank a mouthful, then shrugged as if Sana could see her. “She told me to never touch her again.”

“ _That’s weird—oh,”_ Sana stopped as if she just had an epiphany and soon, the tone of her voice changed to something more agitated. _“Don’t tell me you’re…”_

 “She’s currently in relationship with someone and I kissed her.”

Mina braced herself. She’s ready to accept whatever insults Sana would hurl at her. A moment passed and Sana hadn’t screamed anything at her, but the silence only made Mina more nervous.

“Sana? You still there?” Mina questioned, wary, as she gripped her phone tighter.

“ _You kissed a girl and you liked it—pun intended, found out that the girl is in relationship, and the said girl said that she hated you?”_

Mina winced. “That’s putting it lightly, but yeah.”

“ _Huh. I thought you steal that girl’s boyfriend and get into a petty catfight.”_

Mina started flicking the water bottle. That scenario seemed less complicated than what she’s currently facing.

“She was really pissed when I kissed her. We got into an argument after that.”

Mina ground her teeth as the memories from that time in greenhouse returned. The venom in Momo’s words left a burning ache in Mina, one that she couldn’t easily forget. That fact alone was actually enough of a compensation for Mina to hate Momo.

But she didn’t.

“ _Oh Mina,”_ Sana bemoaned like she’s about to tell Mina that no penguins can do a tap dance. “ _If this Hirai Momo is really hot then I won’t blame you, but I still think you’re a scum for doing it. I mean, this is really_ low, _even for your standard.”_

Mina’s head was throbbing. That’s exactly what Mina didn’t want to hear because Sana was telling her nothing but harsh truth and Mina was too scared to admit it.

“Ugh, I hate this,” Mina groaned and lay down on the carpet with her arms spread out.

“ _You like her, don’t you?”_

Mina replied a dejected sigh. “It’s complicated.”

Sana’s words echoed through Mina’s ears like a mockery, “ _Maybe you should stop being a glorious masochist and try to find a healthy relationship for once?”_

“Thanks for the advice, _Zaki_ ,” Mina grumbled, putting an emphasis on the name because she knew Sana hated it.

_“Right back at ya.”_

The phone ended as quick as it started and it left a bad taste on her tongue. Putting her phone away, she unpacked another unopened box and put another stack of heavy books on the table. Her late night jobs brought constant headaches and messed up with her sleeping cycle

The real piece of furniture in Mina’s apartment was her bed and it was all she needed. Mina sat down on the hard mattress and stared at the wall of photographs. She watched her life flashed before her in Polaroid. In black and white. In soft colors and bleak shades of gray. Eyes glossing along the memories, Mina was thinking of river, of silent forest, of people who came and left her, of old love, of old memories and not so happier days.

Mina poked her head out of the window and breathed deeply. Seoul was a big city but this place didn’t bear the same air as Kobe. She tried to find scent of the sea, only to inhale the same stuffy carbon from the cars outside. Seoul didn’t bear the same familiarity with Kobe but at least—

Mina closed her eyes.

At least, the loneliness still felt the same.

_*_

The coffee shop was always full especially after school hours but Mina needed something stronger to keep her going until her night shift ended. There was a line, so Mina turned to the customers sitting in their tables and observed them to pass the time. A part of Mina felt happy when she saw a glimpse of Momo amongst the people. Momo was smiling too, if that lazy quirk on her lips was her best effort to make one.

“Miss? Your order?”

Mina ordered a cup of Americano and was about to pay when a sudden yell diverted her attention. Momo was standing with her posture hunched, and Mina saw Jeongyeon, who shared the same bewilderment like everyone else in this shop.

Mina stiffened when Momo sent a glare to her direction. There were so many emotions boiling inside those clear irises: anger, humiliation, envy, resentment.

And before Mina could say—or do anything, Momo stomped out of the shop, shoving people in every direction until she disappeared behind the door. Mina took a step forward to catch on Momo but that was as far as she got. Momo hated her, and Mina wasn’t a friend with that kind of responsibility.

She gripped the cup tightly when Jeongyeon caught her staring. The look on Jeongyeon’s face was unsettling—suspicious to be exact, and Mina started to feel panic within her. Offering a quick smile, Mina made her way to the furthest booth in the corner, breathing heavily, and prayed Jeongyeon didn’t follow her.

This started to feel like a punishment.

*

Gardening was calming. The greenhouse was still chaotic with colors and stuffy with the scent of soil and fertilizer. Mina liked tending to honeysuckle and anemone, and found a sense of purpose in it. Here, she could focus on other things into something more important than stewing in her own thoughts.

The air inside was stuffy and Mina’s body was drenched with sweat. Her shirt stuck on her back like a second skin. Standing up, Mina looked up to see that the sun had begun to set. She wiped the sweat off her forehead and put her gardening gloves on the table. Her ears perked when she heard a rustle from behind the dark screen.

“Hey,” Jeongyeon appeared with a smile, tiptoeing to avoid stepping onto the rose bush, “you’re still here.”

Mina tilted her head and unscrewed the cap of her drink, looking at Jeongyeon with a frown like Jeongyeon was some kind of uninvited guest. “What are you doing?”

 Jeongyeon shrugged. The notepad in her hand was looking a bit dirty with a stain on the cover. “Checking the school’s facility, making sure everything’s in order and all that stuff. The school festival, remember?”

Mina raised her brow. “Oh. I thought the council’s president would have it easy.”

A tired smile formed on Jeongyeon’s lips. Her shoulders slumped as she leaned on the desk for a quick rest. “Unfortunately, the other members aren’t really reliable. I have to double check everything.”

“That’s why you’re here, in this greenhouse in the middle of nowhere thanks to your member’s incompetence,” Mina concluded as she turned her back on Jeongyeon. She took a towel from her duffel bag and dabbed her forehead.

Jeongyeon just laughed at the blatant sarcasm. “Does it get lonely here? I mean, you’re the only member of botany club right?”

Mina scoffed. The edge of her lips curled upward in a cheeky smile. “I’m more a ‘do it yourself’ type of girl.”

“You have that look,” Jeongyeon replied. There’s no condescending tone there and Mina was sharp enough to know if someone was mocking her. She observed Jeongyeon when the girl took an interest to her gardenia shrubs and was glad that Jeongyeon didn’t do anything funny to the budding flower. Jeongyeon then turned her attention to Mina. “Where are you going after this?”

“Home.”

“Oh yeah, you don’t live in the dorm right? Is your apartment far?”

The girl hummed. “Yeah. It’s thirty minutes drive from here. I usually take a bus.”

“Let me drive you then.”

Mina frowned. Having Yoo Jeongyeon driving her home was never a part of the plan. Jeongyeon was still standing there with an expectant look on her face.

“Why?” the question intoned like an accusation and Mina groaned inwardly when Jeongyeon’s expression turned sour. She cleared her throat. “I mean, _why_? Where’s Momo? You’re usually going home with her right?”

Mina regretted mentioning Momo’s name because it reminded her about how abrasive their last confrontation was.

“Her shift starts early.” Jeongyeon glanced at the sky outside and noticed that it had gotten considerably dark. “The school is rather dangerous after dark. Come on. I’ll take you home.”

It was easy to detect the obvious insistence in Jeongyeon’s face. Her guts told her to ignore Jeongyeon and leave. “Thanks but I—”

“I think the bathrooms in the gym are still open. You can change your clothes there.”

Jeongyeon trotted her way out of the greenhouse without giving the other girl a chance to explain herself. Mina sighed and slung her bag over her shoulder, following Jeongyeon while muttering under her breath.

*

Jeongyeon’s classic corvette was a celebrity on the road. The radio played a song that Mina knew only the melody, the words were still foreign to her, and so she just hummed quietly. Beside her, Jeongyeon was still talking and Mina was itching to turn the volume up because listening to Jeongyeon’s voice nonstop began grating on her nerves.

“It’s because Nayeon told them the vacation house is off limits and they all whine like little babies,” Jeongyeon said as she turned on the steering wheel. The streetlight cast a brief shadow over the car as they continued to drive.

“What happened next?”

“Well, we decided to rent a villa in Jeju, an old house and we thought it’s classy and vintage. When we get there, the villa was like straight out of B horror movie,” Jeongyeon said, and Mina held a small smile.

Mina knew that 3Mix often held a, to put it mildly, ‘gathering’ every two months. Mina hadn’t had her chance to join but she heard that the occasion was intense to say the least. She wondered if Momo ever joined one too.

“You should come with us, Mina. There’ll be an after party after the festival,” Jeongyeon chirped, sending Mina a glance.

“Yeah, next time,” Mina replied with fake enthusiasm. She’s not one to show impoliteness. Turning to the window, Mina stared at the blurred cityscape outside and felt tired when she remembered that she had to work tonight. 

Her phone beeped. Mina looked at it, and rolled her eyes. It’s Sana. _What a waste of space_ , Mina thought to herself as she swiped the notification and decided to read the message later. She leaned to her seat and resumed spacing out.

“Mina, you’re freaking me out,” Jeongyeon jeered with a chuckle, “I know you don’t talk much, but your quietness has reached its maximum quota.”

Mina almost wanted to ignore Jeongyeon. “I’m sleepy,” was all she could provide.

Jeongyeon scoffed. “Life’s been keeping you busy? You’re living here alone, right? It must be tough to juggle school and work.”

Something in Jeongyeon’s tone sent shivers through Mina’s body. She suddenly didn’t feel so sleepy anymore. Mina straightened on her seat and looked at Jeongyeon. There’s a measure in her voice as she spoke.

“It is.”

“You remind me of Momo,” Jeongyeon said, shifting the gear and the car went considerably slower. She hadn’t spare Mina a glance, which in turn made the younger girl nervous. “She’s also like you. Alone in a foreign country, working and studying at the same time. Oh, and both of you are from the same country too right?”

“And your point?”

“Nothing,” Jeongyeon replied, looking at Mina with a small smirk on her lips. “I thought you guys can be best friends or something.”

Mina’s expression remained placid. “Why is that?”

The smirk around Jeongyeon’s mouth softened. “Nothing much. I’m just curious that’s all.” Mina stayed quiet and Jeongyeon slowly tapped the steering wheel with her index finger. “Usually students who came from the same country often become best friends. Kinship or something like that.”

Mina sank back down in her seat with the music traced in between the conversation. The song was slower now, and Mina breathed to ease her combusting nerves. But Jeongyeon’s face remained unchanging: secretive, judging, as if she’s about to give Mina a warning.

“We’re not that close. I don’t even talk to her that much in school.”

Mina felt like Jeongyeon had her by the neck with the way she’s looking at her. The feeling was different. And she’d be lying if this didn’t unsettle her.  Jeongyeon took Mina’s silence as a permission to keep talking.

“I know you’re a good person, Mina. A bit on the shy side, but I know there’s more to you than meets the eye,” the car stopped at the red light. The only noise that present was the Jeongyeon’s finger tapping on the steering wheel. “You’re allowed to do whatever you want here, as long as you play by the rules.”

“And what’s the president going to do? Giving me detention?” Mina leered back with a roll of her eyes.

Jeongyeon was offended, fleetingly. Her words were supposed to instill fear and obedience into her opponents and she’d been doing this effortlessly, so it surprised her that this meek-looking girl had the nerve to talk back at her. “You’re at the coffee shop a couple days ago right? Is it only me or you’re always present when Momo’s around?”

For once, Mina had none of the natural confidence she’d always been able to conjure. But Mina wouldn’t back down without a fight. “It’s a coincidence.”

Jeongyeon stared at Mina for a second and let out a scoff. “Are you guys fighting or something?”

Mina silently swallowed. Her guts told her to wrap this conversation quickly and ditch Jeongyeon. Tucking her hair behind the ear, Mina started to think for an excuse.

“We barely talk at school.”

Jeongyeon narrowed her eyes and all Mina could do was keeping a straight face.

“I find it pretty weird that Momo always looked so annoyed when you’re around,” Jeongyeon concluded as she sent a look, “but if you insist that nothing happened, I’m gonna take it at face value.”

Mina’s eyes narrowed at the comment, clearly indicating that she disliked what it implied.

“You should because nothing’s going on between us.”

“If I don’t know better, I almost thought your conversation with Momo about Holy Roman Empire was this close to flirting” Jeongyeon raised a brow at Mina with a sneer, “but of course, that’s impossible right? History is not a flirting material.”

Mina’s voice was sweet, effortless, as she replied at Jeongyeon’s statement without a hitch.

“You must be really boring if you can’t have a bit fun in history,” Mina leered with a lilt on her voice, “just so you know Momo did very well in her makeup exam.”

They stared at each other in silence, Jeongyeon with her eyes narrowing and Mina trying to keep up a strong façade.

“Good to know,” Jeongyeon concluded their conversation, “your ‘apartment’.”

Jeongyeon’s voice sounded like a white noise. Mina couldn’t hear anything, or even move. Her being stiffened when she realized where Jeongyeon had stopped the car. The red neon was glowing in the darkness, taunting and glaring at her like some kind of awful premonition.

Mina’s mouth was tight like a prowling animal’s; her eyes were staring at Jeongyeon with a temperament that’s best described as anger—humiliation, probably. The door slammed hard as she walked out. The skin on her neck was burning and Mina wanted nothing but to disappear into the darkness.

Jeongyeon called her again.

“Have fun, Myoui.”

The young girl balled her fists hard as if trying to give a strength she desperately needed. She watched the backlight of Jeongyeon’s car dimmed as it went further with a burning growl on her throat.

*

Sweat was making her hair under the wig clinging onto her scalp uncomfortably. Ache began riding on her limbs in constant grinds. The smile that formed on her lips was starting to hurt her cheeks, but Mina didn’t stop dancing. This was her job after all.

The club lights droned above her head in flashes. The music was still beating through her bones. Hundred pairs of eyes were looking at her together with the glimmer of uncouth grins.

As she strutted down the catwalk, she could smell the heavy scent of liquor and cigarettes. There’s another one who wore a musky perfume, mixed with sweat, and expensive hair gel. Mina threw them a wink and didn’t wait for them to recuperate. Her job was done for tonight.

Mina went to the backstage where the dressing room was. The lighting was intentionally dimmed to arouse the sultry atmosphere, which Mina found it conveniently cheap because it’s hard to walk without stumbling. She passed a couple of private rooms and saw some of her colleagues dancing inside, their clients kneeling around the circular table with less than attractive look on the faces.

The dressing room was empty when she stepped in. She zigzagged through the small spaces, careful to not step on someone’s discarded petticoats, and stopped in front of the fridge. Mina pulled a chair and unstrapped her boots. A content sigh escaped from her lips as she pressed the ice pack onto her heel.

Mina was too exhausted she fell into a dreamless sleep with her swollen legs sprawled on top of the dirty carpet. The bass was still beating; it pulsed throughout the empty space and lulled Mina deeper into slumber. She didn’t know how long she’s out before she woke up to the vague tap on her shoulder.

“Rise and shine!”

A dancer whom Mina recognized only by the stage name Dazzler stood beside her with distaste frown on her face.

Mina yawned, didn’t bother to cover her mouth, and refocused her vision on Dazzler’s heavily caked up face. Mina rarely talked to her co-workers and this was the first time she interacted with one of them.

“What do you want?”

“Minseok didn’t pay you to sleep.”

“Cut me some slack will you? I’m on break now.”

Only two people who were aware of Mina’s real identity. Minseok was a given because he interviewed Mina himself. The other was Dazzler because she’s a senior dancer and she knew everyone who’s working with her. The older woman contemplated for a bit and shook her head in dismay.

“I still don’t get it why you work here,” she complained while sitting on the edge of the desk, “you can choose another job you know? Like, your face ain’t that bad and you also have a great body. Modeling will do good.”

Mina wasn’t in the mood to be patronized. “Spare me the lecture, Dazzler. I don’t ask why you’re still doing this when you’re almost hit thirty-five, so I suggest you mind your own problem.”

Dazzler’s eyes narrowed and it was clear that she was deeply offended. However, the old dancer was smart enough to keep her mouth shut. Conflict between co-workers was strictly prohibited. Minseok would give her a lot of trouble if she dared to cause a scene here

“Someone is asking you,” Dazzler decided to drop the topic although the tone of her voice was abrasive. “He’s on room 101.”

“Who?”

“Hell if I know,” the other dancer lashed out with a sneer. She whipped up a pack of cigarette and lit it up, “get your ass out of here. Don’t make our guest waiting.”

Mina rolled her eyes as she put on her boots once more. “Yes ma’am.”

*

Room 101. The blue velvet room. A room which eluded mystery with red curtains hanging around the room. The blue lamplights cascading the wall and the floor in soft glow; the room was circular with flagrant décor. Sequin textures spun up the length of the walls, reflecting the flecks of light around the cramped space.

The room was thick with a sharp fragrance that’s supposed to arouse the sensual atmosphere. Mina remembered the smell would follow her all the way back to her apartment. Even after she took shower twice as much, the smell would still linger.

To put it mildly, she hated this room with passion.

The pulsing music made her head spin even more and combined with her exhaustion, Mina could barely keep up with the tempo.

Her client was a young man, probably in his early twenties, and his hair was looking slick like he’d used a week worth of gel.

It had been three months since Mina had stepped foot into this club, and even then she had her fair shares with many perverts and degenerates. But the way this man was looking at her was unnerving. His beady eyes were red as they took their pleasure drinking on the sight of her body. And Mina suddenly had the urge to grab on to the curtain and cover herself in it because how distasteful this man made her feel.

Mina finished the dance with a slow squat. Her bare chest was heaving in heavy inhales. The man kneeled before her and slipped a note in her garter.

“I love you,” that’s what he said.

Mina curled her lips to a sneer as she stared back at the man. It’s not unusual to receive a confession here. “Thank you.”

“Is there anyone else who dance like you?”

Mina pulled on her bra and hooked it back up. She slid along the plush sofa without looking at the man. “Maybe.”

“Not one to talk huh? Do I need to pay you?”

Mina peered over her shoulder to peek at the man. He had his tongue darting out, swiping it across his lips in a poor attempt of being seductive.

“No, but I never refuse a tip.”

He pulled his wallet and gave Mina some money.

The dancer accepted the money with a nod. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Let’s just say I know you from school,” he began, taking a drag of the cigarette and thick smoke seeped out from the seam of his mouth, “you’re Nayeon’s friend right?”

Mina didn’t immediately answer. The dim lighting in this room made it hard for her to look at the man.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she rehearsed the lie with a trained effort.

The man replied with a loud scoff. “I’m Jay, we met in a party a few times.”

Mina eyed Jay more closely and started to remember about this boy. _Oh him,_ Mina muttered under her breath. This man had been hitting on her a couple of times. Tall, handsome, privileged, and rich to the teeth, it’s actually almost impossible to forget someone like him. Same as Nayeon, he gathered people to 3Mix club. He had the money and the resources to create a party that’s on par with celebrities gala.

 “Maybe you met the wrong person.”

Jay plopped on the sofa and stretched his arms, turning to his side to eat the view of Mina’s smooth backside.

“I never forget pretty girls,” he bragged. The proud tone in his voice sounded thick with something lecherous. He leaned in to touch Mina but the girl was fast to jump out from his reach.

“We’re not allowed to touch,” Mina said, still with a controlled voice—still smiling. She sat on the other side of the circular table. When Jay motioned her to open her legs, Mina did as he said. She’s still on the job after all.

“So what’s gonna happen if I touch you?” Jay muttered. He was focusing on Mina’s crotch, taking a long, smooth drag of his cigarette.

“There’s a security camera on the ceiling,” Mina closed her legs and stood up. The pole was slippery when she slid against it, making a lazy grinding motion with her hips. “And the bouncers are more than happy to kick you out.”

Jay looked up and stepped back a bit with a smirk on his face. He’s handsome, unfortunately his smirk only made him look more repulsive. “Come on, just once. I can pay you more.”

“I’m not a whore.”

Jay dismissed Mina with a wave of his hand. “Whore, stripper, you’re all the same.”

The red light passed Mina’s face. All of Mina’s breath slowly left her. Anger started bubbling on the pit of the stomach. She sprung toward the door, only to found it locked.

Her heart dropped.

The door was _not_ supposed to be locked.

Jay’s footsteps behind her started to sound like a impending doom. Her lungs constricted as she tried to comprehend the situation she’s in. It’s no use to scream because this room was soundproof.

“Don’t play hard to get,” Jay told her, a deep husk in his voice and alcohol on his breath. His hands were on the side of Mina’s head to prevent the girl from running; mouth brushing the top of Mina’s jasmine scented hair. “You smell so damn _good,_ Mina.”

Mina shifted in discomfort. She couldn’t move because Jay already pressed his body on hers. He was a ginormous oaf of a man, Mina’s lithe body was nothing compared to his.

“Jay,” her voice started to crack, and Mina cursed under her breath. “Let go of me.”

“Hell no. I’ve been waiting for this,” he ignored her and started to run his hands on the side of her thighs. His knee was nudging on Mina’s legs to coax the girl to open them.

“Jay,” her voice came out wavering and she couldn’t stop shaking, not when Jay was boldly cupping her breasts. “Let me go!”

His growl reminded Mina of a wounded dog. Jay’s breath was hot on her neck and Jay didn’t stop pulling. “What? You don’t want it?” he husked on her ear, “don’t tell me you like her more than me?”

“What are you--?”

“That dyke Hirai Momo!” Jay growled, his voice belied a disgusted snarl, then it quickly changed to a low chuckle, “haven’t got a good dick lately huh?”

Mina’s entire being went cold. She caught Jay’s lustful eyes under the dark light and felt really afraid.

“What—ah!”

Jay didn’t give Mina warning as he pushed onto her, his knees rested in between Mina’s legs. Jay’s hand was damp and rough, and Mina couldn’t breathe with his hand covering her mouth and nose.

Mina was scared, vehemently so, when she heard a rip from behind her. And Jay made it clear that he wouldn’t let her go. Voices were snarling inside her head; they’re either taunting her for her foolishness or screaming that she didn’t want to die. Not now. _Not like this…_

She _refused_ to die.

Jay’s screaming was crawling with agony when she pinched the underside of his arm, _hard_ until the skin broke and bled. His grip was loosening as the man stepped backward, still yowling in pain. Another scream broke into the air when Mina placed a swift kick on his groin. The man toppled onto the table, the glass and bottles created a wet mess on the floor as they fell to the floor.

“Help! Help me!” Mina screamed, waving her hands to the security camera in a vain hope that someone would see her.

However, her plea was cut short when Jay pulled her by the hair and threw her onto the floor. The glass shards were cutting on her skin, her hands, and her knees met the hard floor in a painful collision. The wind was knocked out of her, followed with a sharp sting on her face when Jay slapped her. The rings he wore left an ugly, reddish mark on her skin.

She lay there, breathing heavily, and the blue color of the lights began to distort. The dimly lit room spun around, and Mina was crippling on the limbo where she couldn’t tell if this was reality or just a fragment from a very awful dream.

A gnarly piece of bass soared and dipped throughout the room, with her breathings followed in broken rhythm. She watched Jay on top of her, towering her with the same putrid grin and his red eyes feasting on her like she’s no other than a stack of meat.

Mina watched Jay unbuckled his pants—

_No._

Her fingers twitched.

_I don’t want to die!_

The bottle was cold as it touched the tip of her fingers. The same phrase kept repeating inside her head on an endless loop and Mina didn’t even think when she smashed the bottle on Jay’s head. Didn’t even think that she might commit a murder. Didn’t even listen the blood curling scream from Jay as he clutched his head in pain.

The next thing she saw was Minseok entering the room with two men, the bouncers most likely, and Dazzler following behind him. She watched the scene before her on mute, watched the bouncers hauled Jay’s body out while Minseok was looking red as he barked orders. Everything moved too fast and Mina found herself in another room, with Dazzler asking her with questions Mina unable to process.

Dazzler was talking about something that began with a b and ended in a d. Looking down, she found her hand was bleeding and Dazzler was trying to apply a bandage to cover the wound. A sharp ache broke the veil on her ears and Mina was aware of her surroundings. Everything turned up almost too suddenly. The other dancers who surrounded her started to look like a bunch of scientists observing a specimen.

“Mina.”

 _That’s her name_.

“Mina, sweetheart, look at me.”

Mina obeyed. The face was blurry but Mina could recognize Dazzler’s voice.

“He’s gone. You’re okay now,” that’s what she said and Mina believed her, even if it’s just another comforting lie.

Mina was thankful that Dazzler tried to comfort her. She tried to smile, because that’s what she’s good at, but the noise that came out from her throat was broken and she couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

She never stopped shaking.

*

It was past midnight.

The streets were devoid of vehicles. Outside, the lampposts burned yellow, and washed out all other colors, turned everything to a dingy shade of yellow and black.

She walked alone. Minseok told her to go home before the police came. It was too late to call a cab and although Dazzler was kind enough to offer her a ride, her place was on the other side of the town, leaving Mina no choice but to walk from where Dazzler dropped her.

Mina limped along the wide pathway. Her hand was bloody. Ache started to gnaw on her limbs.

_Whore, stripper, you’re all the same._

Mina wondered if what Jay said to her was true, that’s she’s no different from a whore. That—

_That dyke Hirai Momo!_

Momo. Momo… what would Momo say if she saw her like this? What would Momo do? Mina thought she knew everything there’s to know about Momo, but Mina couldn’t help but to think what Momo really feel about her. Momo hated her. It’s a fact and Mina was powerless to change it, but still—

It still _hurt_ to think about it.

“Need a help?”

You know how it is when you can’t stop thinking about someone?

It was in this moment Mina had somehow fallen into a time slip—in a deserted street where Hirai Momo appeared like dreaded savior, looking at her with a scowl that Mina was too familiar with.

Mina wasn’t ready for this, or any confrontation at all. She’s scared of many things, but she’s more scared of what Momo might say about her. Fright flew through her like poison, her mouth didn’t stop spewing cruel words to prevent Momo from hurting her. She kept walking, running—

Until Momo stopped her with a firm grip on her wrist.

“Someone hurt you?”

Momo was close. _Too close_. The brown in Momo’s eyes were bright, forcing Mina to look away. Mina was struggling. She didn’t want Momo to stand too close. She didn’t want Momo to see her face.

_She didn’t want Momo to hurt her._

“Occupational hazard,” Mina budged and looked the other way, trying to ease the erratic beating of her heart. “Can you let go of me now?”

It would be easier if Momo just let her go. Mina would resume being miserable by herself without being burdened by the fact that she couldn’t hate Momo as much as Momo hated her.

“I’ll take you to the hospital,” Momo pulled her to the car, their fingers intertwined.

Momo only looked at Mina for a moment. The scowl that was her mask slipped, and Mina could finally breathe.

*

For fifteen minutes she’d been in this room, and her feet hurt from the high heels, her limbs pulsed in dull throb, and the pain on the back of her skull was making it hard for her to focus.

The doctor was kind, young, and pretty too. Conversations came and went in between comfortable silence. The doctor, Jessica Jung was her name, showed concern about the bruises on Mina’s thigh and the young girl decided to come clean.

“Assaulted?” Jessica stopped midway in pulling off her gloves, frowning in conflict. The dark circles underneath her eyes were worrisome and Mina wondered if this doctor ever got a chance to sleep at all.

“I… hit him before he could do anything else,” Mina concluded. “He didn’t do anything. No penetration. Nothing.”

Jessica was unconvinced because the look she gave to Mina was troubling. “We need to do examination to get the result, but if you’re sure…” the doctor let out a sigh and nodded her head. “I’m going to tell your friend about this. She deserves to know.”

“She’s not my friend,” Mina insisted, lying through her teeth and she insisted to believe that lie.

“Why do you say that?”

“She hates me.”

Another beat. Mina waited for Jessica to drop the topic and just leave.

“If she hates you, she’d have left you freezing on the street,” Jessica replied. Mina didn’t miss the sternness in Jessica’s voice and, begrudgingly, she agreed at what Jessica said—or so she wanted to believe that Momo did help her out of kindness.

“And I think she’s really worried about you,” Jessica said again, this time with a gentler tone that made Mina look up at her. The smile on Jessica’s face was soft. “Maybe you should ask her to stay with you for the night?”

Jessica left. The whirl of the air conditioner was all she could hear.

Mina didn’t want to hope. Not quite. It’s more of a defense mechanism because she didn’t want to get hurt again, that she wouldn’t depend on anyone, that she wouldn’t let people hurt her again.

Nobody would ever hurt her. She’d just smile her faint, vague smile and walked away.

And in the parking lot, where the world outside ceased to exist between the two of them, Mina pulled Momo close and kissed her; their lips stayed touching, skin to skin, and Mina wanted to take Momo to fall with her.

Mina knew this wasn’t love, and tomorrow morning Mina would have her heart broken again.

It’s not about love. It’s never about love between them.


	10. Draw Your Sword

_You could stay here in my arms so tight_

_We could lay here_ _in_ _this perfect night_

_I could love you if you'd let me dear so stay right here_

 

_Right here – Betty Who_

 

‘Angry’ didn’t cover what Mina had been feeling. On the back of her mind the reasonable part of her blamed her entirely for the mess she’d plunged herself into. Still, it infuriated her that everything had come to this and life became shitty like it used to be.

For someone who took pleasure to be the center of attention, Mina got surprisingly irked at having someone scrutinizing her. The room was bright and wide; terse with accusation and blame.

Mina was exposed, and this was never a part of her plan.

Principal Kim was a man in his fifties. With his white hair and his big built frame, he was quite intimidating for an old man. He wore a beige blazer and black collared shirt. The glasses he’s wearing perched neatly on the bridge of his crooked nose. His wrinkled forehead frowned deeper as he looked down at the video on the screen of his desktop.

“Myoui Mina,” he began. His voice was deep, rough, sounding like a tire to gravel. The sunlight reflected in his eyes. They’re dark and nothing sort of comforting. “I believe you already know why you’re here.”

Mina hung her face and looked to the side.

“Yes sir.”

He eyed her. The frown on his face was a clearly not amused. Mina shrank deeper into the chair.

“This kind of attitude would’ve warranted a heavy penalty, or worse: expelled.” He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Explain to me how could this happen, Ms. Myoui.”

Mina still wouldn’t look at the man.

“Nobody’s allowed to bring cameras inside. I didn’t know how that person can bypass the security.”

“So you don’t deny that this is you?”

“Even if I deny, it won’t change a thing that someone illegally taping me and spreading the video,” Mina said, clawing her nails deep into the skin of her knee as she talked.

The look on Principal Kim’s face was confrontational as he replied. “This won’t happen if you’re not… what’s this, working as a stripper.”

Of course. _Of course,_ she’s the wrong one here.

“This is a foul behavior,” he continued, a tinge of disappointment and judgment coloring his words and expression alike. “This school has been running for twenty-five years with squeaky clean reputation. Have you ever thought that your _careless behavior_ might affect everyone in this place?”

“I know, sir.”

“No,” he repeated as he leaned to the desk, watching Mina closely like he’s about to demolish the girl’s defense. “Do you really know what people might think of us if they find out there’s a student slithering on a pole every night?”

“In _my_ defense,” Mina cut in; her voice resonated with a sharp tone, close to a challenge that made the principal narrowing his eyes in distaste, “what the public will say if they know there’s a sexual predator among the students?”

The color of Principal Kim’s eyes sharpened, and Mina saw no point in mincing words. She’d had enough of the hypocrisy around her.

“Who are you talking about?”

“Jay Kwon from Class D. Maybe you should call him once he came out from the hospital.”

Mina watched at the principal as he wrote something in his notebook. Even with the blatant display of distaste, Mina half-wished Principal Kim was reasonable enough to listen. As expected, Kim’s expression turned grimmer after he received that additional information.

and that’s me putting it mildly. And worse, everyone in this school knows _difficult_ “What you say is a serious accusation, but I’m not going to talk about Mr. Kwon right now,” he broke the still tension, breathing a tired sigh through his mouth.

Mina clutched on her jeans. She didn’t like where this conversation was heading.

“I’m expelled?”

The disappointment in Kim’s face was practically venomous. Mina hung her face again. There was a clacking sound as he checked on his desktop.

“Entering the academy by scholarship, three point nine GPA, exceptional achievement in ballet,” Kim stated the data on the screen. The light that reflected on his glasses made him unintentionally frightening. “You are a smart student. Looking at how you can still maintaining your position at the top of the class—with your current part-time job—is… oddly inspiring.”

Mina raised a delicate brow at the statement.

“Is that a compliment?”

The smile on Kim’s face was veiled thickly, but the tingle on his eyes said otherwise before changing to the usual stern look. “I’m afraid I have to tell your parents about this…”

Kim hadn’t even finished speaking when he noticed Mina grew stiff and shuttered, unfocused. Clearly the girl was afraid, a common reflex in people bracing themselves for something that was unpleasant. Kim was a teacher, not a psychiatrist, and he could read his students as easy as reading cheap novels. But this Myoui Mina…

“Something wrong?”

Mina chewed her lower lip in a poor attempt to distract herself, then tucked her hair behind her ear, fidgeting and all around looking uncomfortable.

“My parents… probably won’t answer your call. They’re…,” Mina looked around the room, still fidgeting, “they’re busy people. They won’t have time for this.”

“But they need to know,” Kim reasoned. He purposefully lowered the tone on his voice so Mina didn’t get too agitated. “And if what you told me about Mr. Kwon assaulting you is true, wouldn’t be better if your parents backing you up?”

Kim wrote something on a piece of paper pushed it into the folder. “We’re going to investigate the person who spread your video. From now on, I suggest keeping low profile. We have too many things going on and I won’t tolerate if you’re trying to do anything funny.”

Mina understood that. It’s not like she wanted to have her face streamed by everyone in this cesspool of a school.

“Ms. Myoui.”

Mina almost rolled her eyes when she heard Kim’s voice from her back. Breathing through her mouth, the girl turned around and gave the old principal her best poker face.

“Yes?”

“I’m curious why you’re doing this,” he began. There’s no malice intention in his voice, instead, he sounded heavy and tired. “Do you have a financial problem?”

Another conundrum drawled over as she weighed on her option to tell Kim. “Nothing, sir.”

“For attention?”

The question emerged like a heavy punch on the gut, forcing Mina to hold on the doorknob because her knees suddenly gave up on her. Kim’s face was a stone monolith, dark and hard. Both of them were quiet and the silence spoke volume of Kim’s accusation.

“I never have any sympathy for the young and reckless. You want attention but you’re not thinking thoroughly of the consequences of your action.” Kim took off his glasses and held it between his fingers. He noticed the anger and shame rising on the girl’s feature. “You probably think that nobody would find out. Alas…” a small smirk formed on his thin lips, “maybe you’re not as smart as you think you are.”

Mina clenched her jaw, stopping the urge to snarl at Kim. For once, Mina was left powerless. It didn’t get any better because the rational part of her kept berating Mina for being too greedy with her own selfish want.

At the end of the day, Mina knew that she had no one to blame but herself.

“You’re dismissed.”

The door shut with a soft click behind her.

Mina’s gaze dropped to the floor as she took another shaky breath. There were students in the hallway, there were whispers around, and Mina almost believed that everyone was talking about her now.

Another familiar shudder went down her spine. Mina looked up.

Hirai Momo was glaring at her from the far side of the hallway, and Mina almost laughed at the cruel coincidence if she’s not too distracted with her own problems. A part of her itched to run to Momo, but Mina didn’t have any intention to make a fool of herself.

She turned around and left. Too many confusing feelings and Mina wasn’t ready to face any of it. Mina didn’t put up much of a fight when Momo dragged her to an empty classroom. She played her part with such rehearsed grace that would earn her an award for best actress. Their dynamic was flawed and explosive; it’d consume them one day but neither of them cared.

But it was still hidden inside her: desperation, anger, shame. Even when Momo fucked her behind the supply cabinet, the voices in her brain kept telling Mina that she’s nothing but a scum, that she used Momo to sate her loneliness, that she’s the most pathetic human ever for wanting a person who was never hers in the first place.

Mina ignored the two students in the room—the way they’re talking about her parents as if they knew everything about her. Mina forced herself to focus on Momo, to focus on the sharp ache between her legs. The tiny space they’re occupying was too small and it’s getting difficult to keep herself from moaning out loud. Her heart chorused in her ears together with her breathing that came a bit too harsh when she came.

The feeling was like a meteor impact, a super volcano erupting, too much for her heart to handle. Mina paused a moment, looking at Momo’s confused face and the vice grip on her throat returned to her like a cruel mockery.

It swept over her too quickly, _too soon,_ and Mina was crying. She wanted to stop _,_ but her tears kept falling.

Momo kissed her, her heart broke even more.

She’s just a scum.

And nothing would change that fact.

*

Mina picked up her Americano and sipped it. Her books were fanned on the table, papers, and assignments that she had to finish for Friday. She holed herself in the furthest table in the cafeteria, submersed herself in school works, and tried not to attract any unwanted attention from other students and faculties alike.

It took no small amounts from Mina to keep her face straight for a couple of days. There had been a lot of sneers, too many gossips and slandering, and the school didn’t even do anything about it. One day, she was the center of attention with people drooling all over her. Now, Mina couldn’t eat her lunch in peace without having someone throwing slurs at her.

Still, Mina chuckled darkly as she recalled how easy people had their opinion swayed. Guess it’s true that people had their own ideal version of someone. It was never easy to ‘love’ a fucked up person after all.

Her phone picked up. The screen was flashing Sana’s name. Taking a deep breath, she answered the call.

_“What is it that you want to say to me that you had to leave twenty missed calls?”_

Mina tapped her fingers on the table, adjusting her reading glasses up her nose. She stared at the sealed envelope on the table. Kim called her to his office this morning. He handed the envelope with an unreadable expression on his face as he told Mina that he had emailed her parents about the situation.

“Uh… are you busy?”

 _“Hell_ _ yeah _ _I am. Japan’s number 1 idol has no time for this idle banter. You have to call my manager first if you want to talk.”_

“Might as well change your number”

 _“Nah. You’re lucky I love you and won’t send you bills for my service as your psychic,”_ Sana replied with a soft chuckle. Mina, too, couldn’t hold her smile although she’s not sure if Sana would be happy after hearing what she’s about to say. _“What’s up?”_

“I might be expelled.”

Sana’s silence was understandable. Mina even had prepared herself for the upcoming meltdown. _“Mina, I just need one day in my life where I don’t need to prepare myself for a heart attack every time I call you,”_ she remarked, sighing over the speaker. _“What have you done this time? Selling drugs? Hiding a body in a trunk?”_

Mina scoffed. “No. It’s… I got myself in trouble.”

_“Spit it. You have five minutes to explain.”_

It’s something that Mina could imagine Sana saying, voice dry and sort of demanding.

“Someone taped me dancing on a pole and spread the video to everyone at school.”

Mina pinched her eyes close and gripped her phone tighter. She had yet to decide if calling Sana was the best idea she ever had or not.

_“A pole, like, you do stripping?”_

“Sort of.”

It took one solid minute for Sana’s voice breaking through the speaker.

_“Are you seriously out your mind!? Is the blood circulation between your feet and your brain so short that you have no common sense anymore!?”_

Mina had to hold her phone at arm’s length. She was glad that her table was in the corner because Sana was screaming murder right now.

“God, you Osaka people are loud…”

_“Of course we are, you blithering idiot! And I thought you’re smarter than this—come on, do you think you’ll put that on your résumé? A stripper?”_

“Just… just listen. I made a mistake,” Mina said over the phone, whispering. She ignored the confused look the other students giving at her. “It’s a silly reason too. I want to do something different, but I don’t know what I’m good at, so…”

 _“And you decided to become a stripper?”_ Sana miffed, flatly.

“I wanted to get someone’s attention too.”

_“…Hirai Momo’s attention?”_

“Yeah, her,” Mina’s eyes clouded in a distant gaze, reminiscing. “She’s different from everyone else. She looks like she doesn’t want anything to do with me, and it… hurt. The rejection, you know.  I thought, well, two could play this game. If everyone wants me, then why can’t she want me too?”

 _“So you got a gig where it’s your job to make people want you… huh,”_ Sana jeered, judging Mina. _“Very healthy, Mina.”_

“I know that, but she came to see me in the club. She also helped me when I…” Mina kicked her feet on the floor as another surge of headache pounding the side of her head. “I don’t know what this is anymore.”

 _“You need to learn to be more responsible,”_ Sana breathed through the speaker. Her voice toned down to a calmer note, more serious, and if Minatozaki Sana had gone serious, it only meant one thing.

 “I know.”

 _“No. You don’t,”_ Sana argued, and Mina felt her heart dropped because she knew Sana was right, again. _“What do you know about responsibility, Mina? You’re selfish, you want everything, you probably seduced Hirai Momo too even though you know that she belonged to someone else. What you’re doing is destroying a relationship, and that’s awful no matter what your excuse is.”_

“Must you really remind me of that?”

_“Yes because you need to wake up and realize that you’re not doing anyone a favor here!”_

It became quiet.

Sana knew she had gone too far. They’d been friends for so long and even though Sana loved Mina, Sana often found Mina insufferable. Added with the fact that Mina deliberately make a fool of herself, Sana didn’t even try to mince her words.

 _“Look,”_ Sana continued with a softer voice, _“It’s just… you’re being unreasonably stupid and reckless. All because you want attention. Sometimes I really don’t get you.”_

Mina rubbed her temple, breathed deeply to ease the uncomfortable knots in her stomach. The statement was painfully familiar. “You’re not wrong. I’m just bad at making decisions.”

_“What are you gonna do now?”_

Mina glanced at the room and stopped when she saw Momo sitting together with Jeongyeon. She couldn’t see Jeongyeon’s face, but Momo’s expression was best described as frightened. Curiosity got the best of her and Mina already stood up to get a better look at the pair.

_“Mina, you there?”_

She stood aghast, just like other students in this place, at the sight of Jeongyeon threw the orange juice to Momo’s face. Momo looked impossibly small in front of the glowering Jeongyeon, weighed by whatever it was that prompted the other girl doing what she did. Sana was still talking on the phone but Mina heard nothing of it. Her focus was solely on Momo.

_“…ve her?”_

Mina saw Momo still sitting on her chair even after Jeongyeon left, looking utterly miserable with her wet hair covering the side of her face.

“Sorry Sana, I have to hang up now.”

_“Hey, I’m not finished—”_

Mina debated it for a moment (what if Momo got mad at her again?) but she had to do something. She nudged herself forward to Momo’s table and shifted.

Biting the bullet, Mina leaned down and dabbed Momo’s face with a tissue. And Mina’s insanely aware of the situation. Momo was staring at her with bewilderment and something else that Mina didn’t dare to guess; the other students were looking at them too and Mina wished there’s a black hole in this room that devoured them whole.

She held Momo’s chin, an unnecessary gesture but Mina excused herself for this one time. Mina let her fingers roamed Momo’s face, didn’t miss an inch of wet skin, careful not smudging the make-up. The moment was so tender until Momo stopped her by holding her wrist.

As if someone pulled her out from her daze, Mina let out a soft gasp as she stared at Momo.

“Sorry,” she husked, “I didn’t mean to—”

Momo turned her head away quickly, giving Mina no explanation before sauntering off in anger, bumping everyone in process. Instinct told her to run, to get Momo to clear all the misunderstanding. But the same instinct also told her stay and mind her own business.

Mina turned around, gathered her books, and exited the dining hall.

*

Mina found Momo’s car almost too easily. With a determined step, Mina walked toward the car and saw Momo already inside, hunching on her stomach with her shoulders quivering. The door was unlocked and Mina slipped her way inside.

“Momo,” Mina pressed. The distance was small, but Mina felt there’s an invisible barrier standing between them. “I’m really sorry.”

Momo, again, didn’t budge.

“So we’re back ignoring each other huh?” Mina glowered, feeling bitter that Momo didn’t even try to notice her.

A condescending sneer came to Momo’s face, an obvious expression of disdain, and she turned to face Mina, eyes wet and red with tears.

“You really don’t know when to quit, do you?”

Mina shook her head. “I just want to talk.”

“About what? That you’re happy that Jeongyeon dumped me?”

“That’s not what I meant.” Mina wanted to have a civil conversation, but arguing was like a second nature for them. “You look miserable, and I thought—”

“You thought I need your pity?” Momo snapped. The tone of her voice changed to something bitter until Mina had to wince. “Maybe you should pity yourself first before doing it to someone else.”

Mina bit her lower lip hard, completely offended and confused with how disgusted Momo looked.

“I care for you,” Mina hissed through gritted teeth, “I know I was wrong. I was partially responsible, that’s why I’m trying to—”

That seemed to garner a reaction: Momo’s narrowing her eyes, her thin lips curled, a sign of ridicule and mistrust.

“Don’t say stupid things like that.”

“Stupid? Why do you think what I feel for you is stupid?”

“Because you know I can’t give you what you want!”

“You don’t have to give me anything!” Mina almost raised her voice; her fingers curled to form a fist in an attempt to hold her anger. “This is what I _feel_ for you, Momo!”

One thing Mina couldn’t shake was how difficult to reach to Momo. The other girl was unpredictable, like ticking time bomb, and there was a greater chance for her to cut the wrong fuse every time they’re together. But all Mina could feel right now was how angry Momo with her and Mina didn’t have a choice but to do the same.

Momo’s eyes were wavering. This was the moment where they supposed to get an epiphany, but life wasn’t a Hollywood romantic comedy. Instead of giving couples their dreamed happy ending, it didn’t hesitate to break even the hardest heart.

“Get out…” Momo’s voice was sharper than Mina’s. When the girl looked up, her gaze burned.  

Mina’s ears were ringing. Her hand curled into a fist and she pressed them to her mouth, feeling a headache crawled on her temple. Feeling no point of staying now that she already got her answer, Mina opened the door and clambered out, feeling prickles poking the back of her eyes.

Sana was right.

She didn’t do anyone a favor. Not even herself.

*

“You wanted to see me?”

Minseok motioned Mina in. His office was on the second floor, a big room that overlooked the dance floor. The room was simple, consisting only a table, three bookshelves, and a leather couch. It was odd to see Minseok not wearing his usual bartender garb. The serious look on his face didn’t help either.

“Don’t be so tense. Sit down.”

Mina obliged. Minseok took two cans of soda from the mini fridge and put one in front of Mina. The carbonated drink hissed as he opened the can.

“How’s school?” Minseok began with a normal tone.

“Hell.”

Minseok nodded, understood at the simple implication. Mina didn’t say anything and found the spots on the ceiling interesting.

“So here’s the thing…” Wads of money hit the table followed by a rectangular case covered in a brown wrapper. Mina had never seen such money in her life and all she could do was staring at the paper with her mouth half open. “You’re ‘fired’.”

Mina couldn’t decide which one surprised her the most: that Minseok fired her or the money in front of her. The man eyed her carefully, like he was debating about something, and Mina noticed Minseok fiddling with the case.

“This is the recording of that night when you’re…” he didn’t continue his sentence, shifting on his seat in discomfort. “You’re going to need this if you want to press charges, which I believe you will.”

Mina accepted it with both hands when Minseok gave it to her. “And that money…”

“Yours,” Minseok told her, firm, and his lips quirked to a stiff smile.

“Oh. I’m…” Mina struggled with words. So many things happened in one day and her brain was barely catching up. “Thank you, but why?”

“I’m not saying you’re too good to become a stripper, but after that incident, I don’t think it’s wise to have you around.”

Minseok stood from his chair, pulling a cigarette with his mouth. The strong smell of tobacco and mint smothered whatever clean air in this room, prompting Mina to cover her nose.

A smoke floated out from the gap of Minseok’s lips. “It’s for the best. I’m sad to lose a potential worker like you but I don’t want to see that kind of incident again,” Minseok took a moment to stare at the dance floor below. The feature of his face was hard when the lights flashed upon him. “You can go now.”

Minseok had been kind to her, but Mina still couldn’t quench the guilt she had for this man. He might not be saying anything but Mina wasn’t that oblivious to the fact that Minseok probably had a lot of flack with the authorities. She stared at the money, at Minseok, and felt very tired.

She stood up and put the money in her handbag. Pursing her lips, Mina bowed to Minseok, deeply, and left without a word.

*

This was going to end. Mina was too pragmatic to not knowing. It was going to end because she’d lost her job, probably expelled from school, and her parents would come to bring her back to Japan. Thinking about it was enough to make Mina wanted to crawl to a hole and never resurfaced again.

But of course, nothing really went the way she wanted.

Momo showed up. Just showed up. No words whatsoever, sitting on the apartment’s dark corridor alone like a lost child. Momo was _here_.

_Dear lord._

Mina was watching Momo from a respectable distance, and she didn’t have any intention to reveal herself to Momo just yet. Mina could have ignored Momo and gone straight to her room. It was easier. Less of a trouble. Because Mina was tired and another argument with Momo only added more to her mess of a feeling.

But when Momo flinched and showed her face, Mina could hear her resolution crumble, and the only thing Mina could think of that there’s no way she’s going to survive this day. Momo was detrimental to her health, mentally and physically, and Mina wanted to stop but her body was more honest as she tucked Momo inside her room.

Momo was sitting on her couch, looking beautiful, broken and unreachable, far away, and Mina was thinking about the times when they’re together, knowing that both of them were standing on the different side of the spectrum.

“I don’t feel so well,” Momo said to her. There’s a hitch on Mina’s breath when Momo threaded their fingers together. For once, Momo was looking vulnerable, like she’d given up on everything, and Mina hated herself for caring too much about it.

“You’re not making any sense,” Mina jibed back, trying to keep her heart from beating too hard.

Momo’s smile was some kind of crooked. “Nothing’s making sense anymore. I’m just not good at hiding it.”

And before Mina could go further, Momo already had her mouth covering hers, kissing Mina like she really meant it, and it felt more like a piercing slap for Mina because everything was too sudden, too overwhelming, and yet she didn’t want any of this to stop.

So Mina kissed back. Her teeth bit at Momo’s lips, there’s a growl and it’s low, but Mina pressed closer, straddling harder into Momo, sliding her tongue and tasting Momo, trying to remember, to _ensure_ herself that this was happening. Maybe trying to convince herself that Momo finally, _finally,_ shared the same feeling too.

Both of them had changed. For better or worse.

*

The next morning was unceremoniously calm.

Mina nuzzled her nose deeper into the pillow, inhaling the scent of jasmine surrounding her. It was raining outside and the curtains were drawn to cover the view of the gray sky. She pulled her hand out from the covers onto the nightstand beside her and picked up her phone. It was already ten in the morning.

She had classes today and Mina would be lying if she wanted to leave. She stretched out her arms, letting out a content sigh when the joints on her shoulders popped in a most comfortable way. Blinking away the drowsiness, Mina slid closer to the bundle across from her.

Momo was still asleep, hands tucked under her chin and her mouth slightly opened. Mina’s gaze dropped to Momo’s pale lips; she remembered those lips were on her skin and she had lost count how many times she called Momo’s name last night.

She faintly ran her fingers on the side of Momo’s face, played with Momo’s hair, and tucked it behind the ear.  Last night felt like a dream. A true invitation of happiness where Mina wished it would last forever.

Mina opened the camera app on her phone and snapped a picture of Momo’s face. Unfortunately, she forgot to turn the flash off because Momo was frowning before opening one eye.

 _Damn_ And Mina was nervous. _Mina_ _you’re better than this_ , she scolded herself, trying to keep herself from fidgeting because she’s worried making another mistake.

The things between them, which Mina didn’t dare to put a name for some obvious reasons, were still young—new, easy to burn, and Mina wanted to keep everything civil.

“You look scared.” Momo’s voice was raspy and low.

The tint of the light from the kitchen caught a frown on Momo’s face.

“I have many reasons to be.”

Momo just stared, hands still tucked under her chin, and Mina felt hot on the back of her neck until she had to hide cheeks. Things were changing too fast for them. Mina would never admit it but her heart was hammering against her ribs and, well, it felt incredibly weird as her brain cranking for excuses.

“Mina…” the voice was hushed. Low. And it tugged at Mina’s heart in a most painful way.

“Yes?”

“Do you love me?”

The question caught her off-guard. Momo’s dark eyes flickered to gauge some answers. The thing was, and this thing had been bugging her for a long time too, that Mina knew, denied, relearned, and accepted that she felt something for Momo.

“Do you?” Mina asked back.

Momo’s normally apathetic expressions changed to a stoic mask: eyes looking down and dimmed as she clenched her fingers, mouth pulled to a tight line as if to keep the words from coming out. Each ticking second was unsettling.

 “If this sickening feeling in my stomach every time I see you is love, then yeah…” Momo replied, shrugged, then sighed in resignation, “maybe I am in love with you.”

It struck Mina right in the chest. Mina told herself that she had prepared for everything but she never thought that listening straight from Momo would be this hard.

Momo reacted to Mina’s unresponsiveness. Momo’s hand slid into Mina’s hair, tugging her closer. And Mina whimpered, a bit too soft and sounded hurt. They shared a look. A look of reassurance that screamed hope, even if it’s a false one.

Mina looked away first. Momo had these eyes. The kind that pierced through Mina’s being. Cold. Apathetic. The same eyes that Mina had grown to tolerate and they still gave her a weird feeling of longing within her belly—like always.

“What now?” Momo muttered in her hair, voice soft and unsure.

“Hm?”

Soft lips pressed on Mina’s forehead. The kiss was incredibly gentle and Mina couldn’t hold her shiver.

“What should we do now?” Momo pulled back, taking Mina’s hand in hers and kissed the knuckle.

“Think later,” Mina grabbed Momo by the face and leaned in, “I want to kiss you.”

 


	11. Show Me Love (Not A Dream)

_I can remember_

_Standing by the wall_

_And the guns, shot above our heads_

_And we kissed, as though nothing could fall_

_Heroes – Peter Gabriel_

 

This would be the second time for Mina in Kim’s office. Her head bowed down as she listened to Kim talking to Jay’s mother. Truthfully, she didn’t quite catch what the conversation around her was about. Mina was wary, tired. Everyone was talking too much, everyone yelled at the same time, everyone was angry with threats coming out from their mouths.

Jay was present too and even though he had his mother backing him up, Jay pointedly avoided looking at Mina. He looked so small, bruised, with his head still wrapped in bandage. The smug grin was absent, replaced by a silent quiver of guilt and shame.  

When they stopped yelling, Kim finally acknowledged Mina.

“Do you have anything back up your claim?”

There’s a nudge on her back. Momo was looking at her with her sharp, clear eyes, as if telling Mina that she’s not alone, that everything would be fine. Momo’s face was hard yet comforting at the same time.

Mina put a case on the table. It’s still wrapped just like the first time Minseok gave it to her.

Mina watched Kim quickly secured the case before Jay’s mother could put a finger on it. “My former manager gave it to me in case I want to press charges.”

She felt so small under the scrutiny of everyone in this room. Jay’s mother was especially cruel with how she practically glowered to Mina. She was a woman in his forties, looking menacing with high eyebrows and anger with her eyes. Mrs. Kwon reeked the smell of privileged, rich people who wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“Shall we watch it?” Nobody answered. Kim exhaled a tired breath and turned to Mina instead. “Ms. Myoui, is this okay with you?”

Mina nodded.

Here she was, sitting in the safety of Kim’s room, in a different time, in a different place, and she felt scared all the same when she saw that familiar scene on the screen. It was something that she couldn’t shake off, like a perpetual nightmare that refused to go away.

She still remembered the feeling, how rough Jay’s fingers were as he grabbed her by the waist and shoved her down the floor. How painful his protruding knuckles when he slapped her, and how harsh and evil his voice was when he told Mina to enjoy it.

Mina on the screen was scrambling, with her muscles screaming, flexing with difficulty as she struggled for a release. The lines between music and screams were blurred, creating something of a dissonance that’s more than enough to induce nightmare on lesser human. Then the screaming changed into something carnal with Jay jumped off Mina, holding his head while rolling over in agony.

Then the door opened. Minseok entered. Bouncers came in. He yelled. Mina pinched her eyes closed. Everything returned to her without warning and they punished her and—

When the waves receded, Mina blinked up at the sudden nausea. Afternoon sunlight spilled onto the ceiling, onto the distraught faces of every person in this room. Mina held onto Momo’s fingers, trying to hold a sob. The knots in her stomach made Mina want to vomit.

“And what does this recording do? It won’t prove anything other than this girl is a whore!” Mrs. Kwon quipped, words as sharp as daggers, and Mina shrunk deeper into her seat.

“She’s not a whore.”

Momo’s voice echoed throughout the room, and everyone was quiet. Momo didn’t say it with anger, no emotion, but it held such tremendous effect that made everyone looking at her. Mina included.

“My friend here is not a whore and even if she is, what’s it to you?” Momo asked back, unflinching, as she returned Mrs. Kwon’s glare with a placid look.

“Of course I’m making a big deal of it! A whore like her doesn’t deserve to be in this school!”

“And it’s okay for a predator like your son to be here?” Momo snapped back, her voice toned up a notch. She sounded… _upset_?

 “How dare—”

“Silence!” Kim’s low, drumming voice chorused throughout the room as he stood up and gave the two women a furious look. “I didn’t call you here so you can bicker like baboons! We have an urgent matter at hand here!”

Everyone looked grim. Kim looked grimmer. The old man waited for any repercussion and received none. Kim sat back on his chair and stopped the video. He gave Jay a solemn look, ruined by exhaustion and disappointment in his eyes.

“Mr. Kwon, this is you, isn’t?”

Jay’s head dropped lower. “Yes.”

“Jay!” Mrs. Kwon yelled, obviously desperate with the unexpected turn of event. Her long, pale fingers cupped around the man’s thin shoulders, trembling in anger. “Tell him you didn’t do it! You didn’t—”

“But I did, Mom!”

Everyone jumped at the outburst. Mina unconsciously gripped Momo’s hand a bit tighter.

“That was me! I did it! I What else do you want me to say!?”

“And did you also take her video?” Kim asked again.

Jay shook his head. The movement was erratic enough as if the boy was trying hard to hold onto the last string of sanity he had. “No! I know nothing about videos! It’s not me!” He was fidgeting on his seat, throwing wild glares at everyone and everything. His thin lips were quivering. “It’s… it’s Jeongyeon.”

“What!?” Momo jibed in disbelief.

Kim sighed and pressed a finger on the side of his head. “And why would Ms. Yoo do that?”

“Of course she would because you’re cheating on her with that bitch!” Jay yelled back, pointing an accusatory finger to both Momo and Mina. “Jeongyeon knew that this bitch is a stripper, she knew that you’re cheating, she knew everything! That’s why she spread that video because she hated both of you!”

Mina stared at Jay for a moment. There’s something cold in her chest, something empty, disbelief, resentment, like the reality she’s currently in was a false one but she couldn’t do anything to avert it.

And Jay kept talking, kept screaming, he’d gone manic and his blubbering started to sound like a howling of a pained dog until Kim didn’t have a choice but to call the security to take the boy out. His mother followed behind him, trying in vain to comfort her son.

The commotion died down, but Jay’s scream left a piercing silence throughout the empty room. Kim’s expression was dark, unreadable. The wrinkle on his face creased as he rubbed his face. Momo and Mina were quietly waiting.

“Tell me,” he started, gruff. “Where are your parents Ms. Myoui?”

“They didn’t want to come.”

Kim pulled his glasses off. His chair creaked under his weight as he shifted. “Indeed. I sent emails to your father regarding the situation. His answer was unpleasant.” Kim mused to himself, wiping his spectacles with care, “which is unfortunate because I believe your parents would provide a great support in these trying times.”

A faint smile formed on Mina’s lips, a bit mocking, a bit saddened. Kim was looking at her, Momo was also looking at her, and Mina wondered what kind of things they had in mind about her. Did Kim think of her as disappointment? Did Momo still hate her?

 “Do you want to press charges?”

The rough, commanding tone in his voice had chipped to a calmer, yielding tone of an exhausted man.

“I want him out of here,” Mina said with a quiver on her jaw. The rim of her eyes looked red and tired. “I don’t want to see him near me, or anywhere in this school. And about the video, I want it deleted. Do what you have to do.”

Kim was looking at Mina with an expectant look like the girl would ask more from him, but Mina knew she couldn’t ask for too much. People would still blame her. It’s the best outcome for everyone because it’s easier to blame the filthy one.  Mina understood that.

Kim dismissed her soon after that.  Once outside, Mina let out a breath, one that sent shudder through the thin frame of her body. She clenched her fists, breathed again, and another shiver went down her spine. She did it over and over and over again until the ache was gone and her skin stopped pricking.

Momo took her hand. Her fingers were warm and damp against Mina’s stiff ones as they dragged her away from Kim’s office. Mina let her fingers unfurled, slowly, steadily linking them around Momo’s slender ones.

“Let’s get out of here,” Momo said.

Mina nodded, faintly complacent.

“Yeah.”

*

Mina used to believe in things like romance and fairy tales, everything that a dreamer was supposed to believe. Mina had always been a romantic, but she wasn’t blessed with luck, which in turn made her unsatisfied, selfish, and too stupid to realize that there’s a way to love without resorting to manipulation and lies.

It’s the same reason why she was never good at making decisions too.

Momo’s apartment was a bit smaller than Mina’s, a bit on the messy side with laundry stacked on the corner. The walls were two colors, in the midst of being painted. A few empty paint tins and rollers lined on the kitchen counter, probably Momo forgot to clean them up.

Momo cooked cheeseburgers and fries for their dinner, which Mina hated, but she ate them anyway because she’s hungry and dieting was the last thing she had on mind.

“Thanks,” Mina muttered. She licked the mayonnaise on her finger while watching Momo walking up to her with two glasses of cold lemon tea. “For coming with me today.”

“Just doing my job as a good girlfriend,” she said, half-teasing, half-serious, and Mina wondered if she should just play along. It was easy to know when Momo was in bad mood but it’s way harder to guess when she’s in a good one.

Momo was smiling. She held her chin on her palm, looking straight at Mina as if the girl was the most beautiful thing ever graced this humble abode. Mina had a hard time swallowing because of that.

 “Why are you taking me here anyway?” Mina turned to look at Momo.

“This is called a _quality bonding_ ,” Momo drawled. She leaned in to wipe on Mina’s cheek. “Today was exceptionally annoying with all that drama.”

“Yeah, and we don’t even get paid for it either.”

They talked shortly after that. It was mostly a small talk, and Momo was smiling the entire time. A subtle, gentle kind of smile that was something Mina couldn’t help but to admire.

“You should open your own restaurant. You’re really good at cooking,” Mina finished, licking on her lips and feeling some somewhat disgusted by the amount of grease. Whatever. The hamburger tasted fantastic.

“Good idea,” Momo replied with the same indignant tone, but the obvious smirk on her face wasn’t that hard to miss. “Maybe I should’ve applied to a culinary school instead of regular university huh?”

“Why you didn’t do that?”

Momo picked on the dirty dishes, her hand brushed against Mina’s arm. “Because cooking reminds my mother of dad,” Momo concluded, turning her back on Mina as she put the dishes on the sink.

Mina’s expression changed. “Your dad loved cooking?”

There’s a sound of running water from the kitchen. “Yep. All of my knowledge in cooking came from him; even he shared his secret recipes with me. But of course, my mom hated that too. When dad left, she threw all his cooking books, the food tasted different, and I wasn’t allowed to cook anymore.”

Mina chewed on her lower lip. “What was Hirai Momo like when she’s a kid?”

The question blurted out from her mouth like an accident, but Mina was too wary to think about the consequences. Her mind was full; she didn’t drink enough coffee to calm her nerves. She didn’t expect this, didn’t even know how to react with the abundance of mishaps and responsibilities, and felt like the biggest idiot for thinking that she’s ready to correct her mistakes.

“I was a crybaby.”

“Liar.”

“It’s true,” Momo retorted, dryly. “I cried too much. I was a bit too sensitive, cowardly. I felt scared all the time.”

Mina kept listening.

“My father always cheered me up. He’s a regular man who put family on the top of his list. That kind of guy who pampered his children and wife, boring, predictable, but you can’t hate him for that either.” Momo let out a chuckle, a mocking one and Mina wondered what caused Momo to do that. “Until one day he had to leave us because he fell in love with someone else.”

Mina was curious but asking Momo too bluntly would result in another round of argument, and Mina had learned her lesson the hard way. Her curiosity won anyway.

“He fell in love?”

“I asked the same question to him that day.” Momo talked slowly in a shrill, child-like voice. “Dad, do you not love mom anymore? Dad, why are you leaving us?”

Momo giggled a little. There was a pause. There was electricity running across Mina’s skin.

“I didn’t cry when he left me. My mom did. She cried a lot, angry, she told me that dad fell in love with a wrong person, a ‘whore’ that’s what she said to me,” Momo explained, still with the same aloofness.

Mina’s expression changed, clouded. It felt like she’s listening to something she’s not supposed to know. She looked up to see that Momo was already sitting in front of her; the look on the other girl’s face was calm and oddly curious.

“What about you?”

Mina blinked. “Me?”

“What’s your story?”

Mina fidgeted on her seat, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. “There’s no story.”

“So when you said that you have another daddy to feed you was a lie?” Mina scowled and reached out to hit Momo on the arm, which the latter replied with another hearty laugh.

Mina waited for spite, the usual brush off in Momo’s voice, but the other girl was still looking at her with the same curiosity. It’s as if Momo was waiting for an explanation but didn’t want to appear pushy either.

Mina sipped on her drink.

“I…” she began, hesitating, “I’m scared that if I talk about my family I’ll start to cry.”

“You wanna cry now?” she husked, voice dry and somewhat gentle.

“Not now, but other times…” Mina breathed and the wires on her chest got tighter, “like when we’re in the principal’s office, I did want to cry.”

“Are you always alone?” Her voice had softened, close to a whisper, and Mina felt it was totally unfair.  Momo could make her feel so many things with only words and Momo always knew what to say while Mina could do nothing but to accept.

A beat. Mina tapped on the glass, feeling glossy surface on the tip of her finger. She looked up and found Momo was still waiting for her.

“They wanted me to become special. To become the best,” Mina shrugged, looking down to escape the scrutiny, “but they kind of forgot that I’m my own person. That I need attention, that I’m more than just a specimen.”

“Why you say that?”

“You can’t expect a couple of perfectionist parents to have empathy for their dawdling daughter when they have a son as the sole prodigy in the family.”

The light from the ceiling flickered, casting a yellow hue across Mina’s face.

“Why would they want to give a shy, awkward daughter attention when they have a son who’s good at almost everything he did, a son who could live up their expectation while it took a lot of efforts from the daughter to get a simple appreciation when she landed a role in her first ballet performance?”

“So that’s why you became a stripper?”

 “What?” Mina laughed, eyes narrowing in mockery. “You think I become a stripper because I want attention? Please, I’m not that vain. People love to see pretty things, _perfect things_ , it’s all on their heads,” Mina pointed at her own head as she leaned over the table to get a closer look at Momo. Her smile was wide, _crooked_. “They only pay attention if it lives up their standard. It’s easy if you get the hang of it.”

A wry laugh escaped from Mina’s throat. Momo’s expression was unreadable, and Mina didn’t even want to know what Momo was thinking about her right now. Mina wouldn’t blame Momo if the latter felt disgusted towards her. Mina was never a saint from the start anyway.

“Just like you,” Mina reached out to Momo, her fingers crept along Momo’s cheeks, cradling the girl’s face in her hands. Momo didn’t even flinch but the color of her eyes were dark and cold. Mina leaned in. “You like me because I live up your expectation, right?”

_Why did it matter? Why did she have to say it now?_

“So that’s what you think of yourself, Mina?” Momo nearly hissed as she kept staring at Mina with the look that’s mixed of disdain and disbelief.

The younger girl kept smiling, but the glint in her eyes was empty. “I’m only thinking of myself,” she goaded, broken, as she coughed up a strained laugh that sounded like a sob. She went down from Momo’s face to curl her fingers on the collar of Momo’s shirt. At this point, she’s sure the fabric would rip with how strong Mina was gripping it. “I want many things; I want people _to want_ me. I’m greedy, Momo. Don’t you get it?”

Mina felt impossibly small, weighed in by whatever it was that prompted her to bare herself open like this. There’s nothing that she hated more than showing weakness because, without a doubt, Mina was never good at being honest and with everything that happened, Mina wished she could just run away.

“I don’t understand you,” Momo finally said, slowly. Momo was careful, Momo kept seeing Mina’s face. She didn’t even flinch at how Mina was treating her. Momo was… _calm._ “Why do you think that people would like you if you do something like that?” she continued on, and Mina could see her reflection in Momo’s eyes. Her breath hitched when she felt Momo’s hand holding hers. “You almost got raped, you had your videos on the internet. People see you as a whore but you’re nothing like that. I know what those did to you. You _don’t want_ any of this.”

Mina pulled Momo closer while baring her teeth in a snarl.

“Then what do _you_ know?”

The kitchen was cold. Mina’s ears were ringing. The corners of her eyes were burning and she couldn’t hold the threatening cry that’s starting to crawl on her throat.

“I was disgusted.”

“Disgust of what? Of me?” Mina said, crassly.

“That’s what I thought too,” Momo told her, surrendered, like she’s making herself an open target. “I thought it’d easier to hate you, to feel nothing but disgust for you, because that kind of excuse is more acceptable…” she let out a long breath, gaze screwing up to the ground again with a gloss in her eyes, “because pretending to hate you was easier than falling in love with you.”

Mina took the confession like a blow to a chest. Momo’s head turned away and stared upward in a gesture like she’s trying to keep the tears from falling. Whatever the barrier Momo had created around herself was quickly crumbling away. Momo was right. It was easier to pretend because everything would hurt less.

Both of them were pretending because that’s what they knew. That’s the only way they survived through everything.

Nothing but the silence was ringing inside her head, and then a pair of lips dropped to hers. Momo’s front was pressing against hers with her hands tucked on Mina’s hips. It happened suddenly; there’s no other way around. Mina’s head was a jumbled mess, and her heart wouldn’t stop beating so madly within.

Momo bent further until Mina was flushed against her, her fingers pulling on Mina’s locks, mouth half-parted as they kissed, teeth were present, and Momo’s tongue was rolling inside Mina’s mouth. Mina kept her eyes closed. It didn’t matter who broke away first. She felt Momo’s breath on her nose, sharp and heavy.

“Momo…”

“Yeah,” the older girl replied, breathless, holding onto Mina like she’s the only lifeline she had. “You don’t have to feel alone anymore.”

“And you have to stop being so cruel, Hirai,” Mina gasped, swallowing.

Momo still had her fingers planted on the back of Mina’s neck. Momo’s eyes were cool. Disarming, and Mina went weak at the sight. She leaned toward Momo with their foreheads pressing together. Momo kissed her again.

The room was silent. The smell of dry paint, lilac and gooseberries that was Momo’s scent pervaded her senses. Time moved slowly, and in this moment, Mina felt like she’s finally able to stop…

To quietly breathe in.

*

Jay left the school. _His parents sent him to the States to get better education,_ that’s what most said, and he left without saying a word. There were rumors that Jeongyeon was suspended, and that’s as far people would say about it. And while the rumors had died down, some students still gave Mina a look that the girl promptly ignored. Mina didn’t hang out with 3Mix anymore and neither did Momo. Both of them knew they had no place in that club, and Nayeon didn’t miss a chance to send them dirty glares or crude words every time they crossed paths.

It was a price they’re willing to pay.

The bottle was half-empty when they finished their lunch. The school’s cafeteria was still full as usual. The speaker was blaring a song from a famous idol group and Mina complained almost nonstop because she always found idol songs cheap and tasteless.

“I never know you can talk this much,” Momo commented, and Mina flushed, mouth closed and her arms crossed in embarrassment. Momo laughed again. “It’s surprisingly attractive actually.”

“I feel like it’ll be better if they play a real music here.”

“Like heavy metal?”

Mina’s face got considerably red at the seemingly harmless statement. “Okay, now you’re being rude! You said put on some music to get you in the mood. I did what you asked! I can’t believe you call me out like this!”

“Having sex while listening to Judas Priest was a bit too much don’t you think?” a naughty grin formed on the latter’s mouth as she pressed her lips close to Mina’s ears. “You have the weirdest kink, Mina.”

Mina shoved Momo by the shoulders. “You’re just boring.”

“Nah, I’m just playing safe. Don’t want anyone to get hurt,” Momo replied, still smiling widely, and she scooted closer to Mina to hold the girl’s chin gently. “Next time, I’m going to choose the song alright? I can’t hear your moan with all that bloody screaming.”

Mina narrowed her eyes. The redness was still dusting on her cheeks, and it looked really adorable on her. She buried on a hand into Momo’s hair and pressed a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth.

“Wanna go to the festival together?”

A sip, a tap of fingers. Mina watched Momo waiting for an answer. Mina let her neck go slack.

“I don’t really like crowds.”

“We can enjoy it on our own, like finding a secluded place perhaps?”

Mina groaned. She rolled her eyes and Momo was grinning wider, snorted once before she covered her mouth with her hand.

“You’re a pervert, you know that?”

The conversation was light, one bicker after another. The weight had gone, and the usual spite turned to something sweeter.

“So you wanna go or not?”

“I don’t know,” Mina shrugged, “what’s there to see anyway? Surely this is no different from any cultural festival back in high school.”

“You still remember about it?”

“Yeah. I went alone and it was really boring.”

Momo leaned up, studying Mina under her lashes. “It’ll be different now,” she coaxed. Her mouth softened as she smiled. “You know,” Momo murmured, “a festival is more enjoyable when you have someone to go with you. Like… a girlfriend,” Mina swallowed, heat started creeping on her cheeks again. “And you don’t have to go alone this time.”

There was a lot of self-discovery: Momo was honest but she also had her share of secrets, Momo was never easy to guess, Momo could be playful if she wanted to. Momo always put a strong façade but when she’s tired, she always found her way to snuggle with Mina. Momo was oddly romantic, and she had the worst sense of humor.

This was one of the occasions where Mina was conflicted whether she wanted to kiss Momo or wring Momo’s neck.

“You can just ask me directly if you wanna go for a date,” Mina muttered, looking away.

“I’m always a bit of a romantic type.”

Mina scoffed. “No. You’re cheesy.”

Momo twisted her finger in Mina’s hair as she leaned in. “Okay,” Momo told her again, playing with Mina’s hair, “want to go with me, Mina?”

Mina told herself that she had to breathe. She wanted this and for once, she wanted to believe that everything would turn out okay.

She’s not alone anymore.

“With pleasure.”


	12. Young Dreamer

_I laughed with you only when we were together,_

_I believed the day would continue_

_I prefer to be a shadow with you than to begin hating you._

 

_ 楔 _ _(Wedge)_ _– Oku Hanako_

 

_“You’re usually better in this kind of thing.”_

“I need a bit of your input.”

It’s a video call. Sana was looking like she’s still gathering her brain from the floor. She’s sitting on the balcony of her apartment. Above her head, the sky was cloudless blue and a faint sound of car horns echoed in the background.

Mina was walking around the room, still in her underwear. Dresses were cluttering on the bed, the kind you often see for cocktail parties. Mina picked the black one and stood in front of the mirror. A frown appeared on her forehead as she pressed it onto her front.

“How about this?” she asked, turning around so Sana could see.

 _“Care to explain why you call me_ this early _? And for… what? Showing me your underwear?”_ Sana grumbled with a shake of her head in obvious disdain. _“Though I was expecting to see you in sexy lingerie instead of plain undies,”_ Sana sighed, exaggerating most likely. _“What a wasted opportunity.”_

Mina wrinkled her nose. “You need a reservation for that.”

She heard Sana snort. _“And who’s the lucky imaginary person with the privilege?”_

Mina put the black dress back into the wardrobe. “Momo. Duh.”

Mina’s neck was warm at the thought, but her mouth started to form a smile and she didn’t even know how to react to the current situation. _It’s Momo_ , she reminded herself. All day. Every day. It felt like a dream, one that Mina was afraid it would end too soon.

_“Ah, the well deserved happy ending.”_

Mina took another dress from the wardrobe and tossed it onto the bed. The dress was red, short, and conveniently bold. A perfect choice for a nice evening soiree. It looked good with her hair and accentuated her curves perfectly. Mina remembered she wore this dress when she met Momo in the clubs back then.

“You don’t sound too excited about it,” Mina coaxed with her back still turning.

There’s a low chuckle. Mina caught a glimpse of Sana on the screen as she peered over her shoulder.

_“Please. Your happiness is everything to me.”_

A wry smile formed on Mina’s lips at the notion. She ran her fingers over her still damp hair.

“I take that as a compliment.”

Sana was shifting on the chair. Mina could see a glimpse of the shirt Sana was wearing. A huge, tacky letters that spelled ‘I love Osaka’ stamped on the front. Mina remembered that she also had the same shirt stored in the deepest nook of her closet.

 _“You’re welcome,”_ Sana replied simply. _“It took you a while huh?”_

Mina took her phone from the dock and held it as she sat on the bed. Sana looked sober now that drowsiness had left her, but the color of Sana’s face was worrisome.

“Somewhat,” Mina said with an awkward chuckle. She stopped when Sana gave her a look. Mina averted her gaze somewhere. “Everything is fine now.”

_“And your parents?”_

That’s the topic she’d been trying to avoid and of course, Sana had to bring that up. Sana would gladly remind Mina that the world wasn’t made from sunshine and rainbows. It’s annoying, but Mina admitted that she needed someone like Sana to keep her grounded.

Mina shifted on her seat. Sana replied with a sigh.

_“You haven’t talked to them?”_

Normally, Mina would brush it off, changing the topic to something more comfortable for herself, but it was never easy to wave Sana off.

“Only my brother called. He asked me about everything,” Mina twirled her hair, a habit she always did every time she’s thinking about something. “He loves me more than mom and dad, and I feel like a dick for resenting him.”

_“That’s because you’re so caught up in your insecurity you forget that there are people who genuinely love you.”_

Mina rose from the bed. Her feet padded softly against the warm floor. The girl looked down, giving a look at her laptop that’s best described as conflicted and sad. The screen was showing a page that looked like e-mail viewer, and another pang made a pass inside her chest.

“My dad… he sent me email.”

_“What did he say?”_

“A year,” Mina breathed. It’s a wonder that she’s still able to keep herself together. “He gave me a year.”

Sana went quiet. Her face turned serious as she realized the implication of Mina’s words. _“That’s not a good thing,”_ her friend scratched her hair with a confused look. _“Sure he gives you time, but still…”_

 “Yeah,” Mina said, sighing.

_“And I assume you’re not going to tell Hirai about this?”_

The silent that followed was enough of an answer for Sana.

 _“Enough with the depressing talk. It’s not good for your skin,”_ the other girl waved her hand like she’s about to swat a fly. “ _You still haven’t told me why you called.”_

And just like that, the uneasy feeling was disappeared almost completely at the change of topic. Mina could see herself smiling on the phone screen. “My school is having a festival today and...” Mina scratched the back of her neck, feeling suddenly flustered for some reasons, “Momo asked me to go with her.”

 _“Ah, so a date then,”_ Sana was trying to sound uninterested, but the slight pitch of her voice and the obvious smirk on her face told otherwise. _“What kind of festival?”_

“A music festival. Oh, and there’ll be a fireworks show too!”

Sana whistled, but she had this pleased look on her face. _“Wow. As expected from a prestigious academy. Not a single penny wasted. So, are you going to wear yukata? I bet Hirai will be pleased if you wear one.”_

Mina wrinkled her nose in distaste. “I didn’t bring any with me. And how am I supposed to dance if I wear one?”

The grin on Sana’s face was impish. Mina didn’t dare to guess what kind of dirty things Sana was thinking now.

 _“You’re a dancer, I’m sure you’ll find other_ convenient _alternatives.”_

Mina almost wished it’s possible to jump into the screen because her fingers were itching to curl around Sana’s neck. The heat started seeping on the back of her neck; it also didn’t help that her imagination was running rampant.

“You and Momo will make a good combination as perverts,” Mina groaned, pressing a hand on her burning cheek.

 _“Just don’t get jealous if she ends up liking me. I have a flaming charisma, you know._ ”

Mina was sure her eyes would pop out of their sockets with how hard she’s rolling them now. “Your ego never ceases to amaze me.”

Sana sent Mina a flying kiss, complete with a wink. _“Wear that red dress. Don’t forget to rock some heels or shoes that’ll make your legs look longer.”_

Mina chuckled and shook her head. “Thanks for the tip.”

 _“This is your first official date with Momo—or with anyone for that matter. You_ must _make it worth!”_ Sana insisted, suddenly serious with a frown on her forehead.

Mina smiled, a soft one. She tapped her fingers on the desk, eyes glazing to the laptop and stayed there for a while.

“I’ll do just that,” Mina said, wistful. “My story has just begun after all.”

Sana hummed, smiling the same kind smile. _“I’m waiting for a soft epilog, sweetheart.”_

The call ended. 10 minutes 20 seconds long. And Mina was left alone with her mind again.

It took a while for her to sink back to reality—she’s in her cramped room, breathing the same stuffy air with the gravity squeezed on her chest in a painful reminder. She focused her eyes onto the screen and felt her throat started to constrict, another familiar numb made a pass at her and Mina slowly let herself breathe.

Fingers clicking on the keyboard, words began to grow on the blank space. She didn’t stop to read, she just wrote and wrote, forming sentences and reasons. The pointer clicked on the send button and Mina watched the notification with a despondent look.

This was okay.

*

Momo couldn’t pick her up that evening, saying that she had something important to do and she even sent Mina a selfie for an apology. It’s a cute selfie though, so Mina wasn’t really complaining.

So here she was, standing outside the school’s gym hall, alone, with the red dress that she desperately wanted Momo to see. The music from the gym was loud, the music from the outdoor stages was louder. People were flocking from one stage to another; some were crowding the food stalls. The air was livid with excitement, the chatters of people, and everyone was out to enjoy the festive midsummer night.

Mina slinked to the nearest wall and watched the festival around her. Couples were a common sight, although there were also a bunch of students coming along with their cliques. The stage was shining brightly under the colorful lights. The vocalist was singing with such energy as he jumped around, belting a note with his powerful voice together with an epic riff of the guitar. Mina was tempted to join into the pit but she remembered that she wore a dress, and it’d be bad if she had to rip her dress because of it.

Mina found herself staring at the stage, remembering the time when she had the power to control everyone around her. When she was the puppet master who pulled at the strings, made people bow to her, admire her, all while wearing smiles and secrets on her sleeves.

It felt like a long time ago.

“Hey.”

A familiar yet muffled voice greeted her. Mina rolled her eyes and turned her head, ready to berate Momo but—

“Ah!” Instead of Momo’s face, Mina was greeted with a mask of a grinning fox-like creature. The color was white with red paint lining around the eyes and nose. The mask reminded Mina of the _Noh_ performance in a theater back in Kyoto. “Why are you wearing that?”

Momo pulled the mask up and showed Mina her face. “Cool right? I bought this on ebay,” the girl bragged with wide, satisfied grin.

“What are you? A _kabuki_ actor?”

The wrinkle on Mina’s forehead deepened when she saw what Momo was wearing: a red, sleeveless hoodie with a top hat logo and a ‘Take Your Heart’ printed on the chest, black jean shorts, and simple white sneakers.

“You didn’t dress up?”

Momo took a brief glance at her appearance and gave an apologetic smile. “Been busy so I just grabbed whatever I could find.”

Then Momo looked at Mina, who was wearing an elegant red dress with her face covered in light make up and standing out between the crowds because that’s how beautiful Mina was. Momo’s eyes widened almost comically.

“Wow,” Momo chuckled with a shake of her head. She stepped closer to Mina to get a better look. Mina couldn’t move a muscle as she watched Momo smoothing on her bangs. “Trying to impress someone?”

Mina resisted the urge to pout. “What do you think?” the girl grumbled through gritted teeth. She averted her gaze to the side to hide her flushing cheeks. It soon changed when she felt a pair of warm lips pressing on her cheeks.

Momo still wore the same, wide grin on her face when Mina turned to look at her. She framed Mina’s face in her hands. Mina waited and Momo laughed a little, her shoulders sinking. “To have such a beautiful girl as my date tonight, what more could I ask?”

 “You mean a ‘lucky pervert’ right?” Mina asked with a quirk of her brow.

It was Momo’s turn to blush now. She shrugged and quickly slipped her fingers between Mina’s slender ones and gave them a squeeze.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Never once Mina let go of Momo’s hand as they walked through the pavement.  Mina and Momo were laughing their asses off, whatever jokes they’re currently talking about were really funny that Momo had to wheeze and Mina was sure her gum probably went dry with how wide she opened her mouth. The two of them walked together, pinkies tangling, staying close amidst the suffocating crowds.

Someone complimented her dress and next to her, Momo wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes. “Thank you,” Mina replied, ever so polite. Her expression was neutral.  Then she realized that Momo was pouting and Mina cracked a smile. “Aww, what’s with the long face? Something wrong, dear? ”

Momo was still wearing that fox mask, only it was held with a string around her head so her face was still visible. “Stop talking like that!” Momo huffed crassly. “I can’t believe people are still hitting on you.”

“What can I say? I’m a natural charmer,” Mina quipped, winking, and her belly did the twist at the sight of a red-faced Momo. She was glad that her voice didn’t crack because that would be embarrassing.

The festival was getting livelier with music kept the pulse going. Mina was looking elegant with her dress while Momo was looking odd, if not right funny, with the fox mask on her head. Momo was holding a corndog in her hand, the one she shared with Mina as they traversed through the crowded pavement.

“It’s annoying,” Momo quipped.

Mina held onto Momo’s hand and took a bite from the corndog. She gave Momo a questioning look while chewing the food. “And why’s that?”

“After everything they’d done to you…”Momo reasoned and stopped herself. There’s a brief regret on her face, one that’s quickly replaced with another hard expression. “Sorry. I’m not supposed to say that.”

It was hard for them to walk side by side without bumping into someone. Mina reached over, pulling lightly at a few dark brown locks in her hair. “Don’t worry about it.”

Momo narrowed her eyes. And sighed. “I know. Bad habit.”

Mina leaned to Momo’s arm, feeling the bumps on Momo’s skin under her fingertips. She side-eyed Momo with a smile she tried to hide, partly amused but mostly very curious.

“It’s almost time, huh?” Momo mentioned, looking at her watch then glancing at Mina. “The fireworks.”

Mina almost forgot that one. “The courtyard must be full.”

“Come with me. I know a place where we can see it without bumping into people.”

Momo already pulled Mina to the opposite direction. Mina didn’t say anything and let Momo pulling her around. Whatever surprise Momo had for her, it would be another sweet addition to their growing relationship.

*

The place was empty when they arrived.

Mina was leaning on the wall, right hand on the chest while the other one was holding her leg. Mina was used to dancing with six inches heels, but she never thought that running with it was ten times harder.

She followed Momo and stood by the railing. As the sky grew dark, the light from the stages below glowed considerably brighter. With all the sparkling lights and beating pulse, the school’s courtyard looked like ocean of stars from where she’s standing.

“Rooftop?”

Momo nodded. “Yeah. We can watch the fireworks from here.”

Mina peered over and saw Momo pulling out something from a brown paper bag on the floor. The curiosity quickly turned to amusement when Mina realized that Momo was bringing a bottle of wine and two glasses.

“Oh my god,” Mina laughed in embarrassment while watching Momo poured her a glass. “You’re not seriously taking me here for this.”

Momo replied with another smug smile. “Have you ever had a date who took you to drink wine in a school rooftop while watching fireworks?”

Mina accepted the glass. She examined the red liquid inside the glass before taking a sip. She’s not a sommelier but she’s quite confident with her taste. Mina knew this was no cheap wine. Then she got suspicious.

“Where did you get this?”

Momo poured herself a glass. “From the restaurant,” she sipped the wine and smiled to herself. “Pulled a lot of favor from the chief. He’s a very reasonable man.”

“So you didn’t pick me today because you prepared for this?”

Momo scratched the back of her neck. Her laugh was bashful. “Yes and no. I helped chief with extra jobs then I asked him if I could bring one of these. He said okay and…” Momo shrugged, “here we are.”

Up here, the music was still sounding loud but not enough to break the comfortable silence between them. Tonight moon was glowing silver, leaving the sky a deep blue color that rendered it boundless.

The feeling was a little strange, off-putting maybe, and Mina didn’t really understand how to cope with it. Mina looked up to the sky, letting herself lost in it all, wishing she could just disappear in this beautiful moment.

“You must be thinking difficult things again.”

“That’s the wine,” Mina snorted.

“Whatever you have in mind, you better stop thinking about it,” Momo added, closing her eyes and taking another sip of the wine.

“And you want me to stop thinking about you too?”                                      

“Why would you do that when the real thing is right here?” Momo didn’t miss a beat and Mina blushed.

“Damn, you smooth,” the younger girl grumbled under her breath, partly glad that the rooftop was dark enough to hide her crimson cheeks. Their bickering routine had changed to something more like a comedy act. Not entirely her cup of tea, but it’s better than trying to wring each other’s neck like it used to be.

Momo shifted her gaze to look at Mina closely, reaching out and twisting her fingers on a few strands of Mina’s hair. Mina let her cheek pressed onto Momo’s fingers and settled in, holding Momo’s hand as if she didn’t want to lose the warmth of Momo’s touch.

 “You’re the only person who can make me feel like I know everything and nothing about you at the same time.”

Momo scoffed. “But you’re better at keeping everything cool. I’m more of a wreck.”

Mina disagreed. She’s no different from Momo, in fact, maybe she’s worst than Momo. Mina was confused, confused about everything and nothing. There’s a moment when she thought that she’d changed, that she’d matured and ready, but really, she hadn’t changed at all.

But that’s a phase of growing up, Mina would excuse herself— to be a human. It’s unpredictable, little startling, off-putting, there were choices and mistakes she’s going to make. 

“I want to stay a while longer,” Mina said, half-sobbed, half-laughed, as she held Momo’s wrist to keep the close to her.

Momo had this weird, suspicious look on her face at the statement, but only for a moment because Momo wore this pretty smile, something that’s honest, a bit strange, and Mina felt it in her heart again.

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t want to leave,” Mina whispered in a pleading voice. “I want to stay with you. I…” Mina shook her head. Her chest was constricting and she’s struggling to keep herself composed. She was gripping Momo’s shirt a bit too tight. “I want to do a lot of things that don’t make sense. With you.”

Mina wasn’t resisting when Momo pulled her by the waist. The wine left a sour aftertaste on her tongue. She stared at Momo’s face, into Momo’s bright eyes.

A gasp escaped from Mina’s mouth when Momo started kissing her face. Mina had never felt so weak with such a simple touch. It still baffled her on how easy Momo could make her feel like she’s the only one that matter.

“Look at you, Sharon, getting poetic all of a sudden,” Momo chided, in a good way because she’s smiling and nothing would go wrong from that. “Lost your mind already?”

A beat. Mina could only nod.

Their eyes met here, Momo slowly placed her hand along Mina’s neck, fingers squeezing, touching. There’s a tenderness in every touch and neither of them cared about the outside world.

“Huh Mina?”

Slowly, nearly subconsciously, Mina was leaning toward Momo. Her fingers slipped under Momo’s hair and pulled the girl closer. Just like that, her mouth covered Momo’s, just as she hugged Momo so tight with no distance between them. It happened suddenly, neither of them was prepared for this and ultimately Momo relented and kissed Mina as hard as her heart may permit.

The kiss was heavy, much deeper than just meeting of lips, much longer than just a kiss of love. Mina felt her heart swell, this _close_ from exploding, and everything was aching. Mina was gasping for breath when Momo’s hand slipped under her dress. A pressure. Rhythm. Pressure and rhythm as Mina’s breath caught in her chest, nails digging into Momo’s back, brows met in an anguished frown.

“Momo,” Mina whimpered, hugging Momo closely with her heart threatening to jump out of its cage. Her breathing was sharp, beating against Momo’s neck, and Mina was shivering. “You’re my first love.”

They stood like that, stilled, with Mina still trembling in Momo’s arms. The confessions sounded so simple but it hurt too much, and it was enough to make Mina want to cry her heart out. Mina bit her lip hard, she tried to keep the words from falling out but it wasn’t enough.

Momo pulled back, a puzzled look was evident in her face. Mina’s eyes lowered to her fingers that are still gripping Momo’s shirt.

 “This isn’t my first time to be with someone, but you…” Mina bit her lip, exhaling a shaky breath. The back of Mina’s neck felt like it’s burning. She couldn’t stand it. “You’re the only person who can make me feel like this, to feel so crazy like this.”

Mina started to shake. Momo took Mina’s hands and held them tight, trying to keep them from trembling too much. Mina didn’t want to look at Momo, it’s as if she didn’t have the courage to do so.

There’s a whistling sound, an explosion, and the sky was brightly lit with colors and sparks. Cheers were erupting from the ground below, people chanting and laughing, and there’s another one. It erupted, exploded, sky was brimming in blue and red and green. Both of them had that smile on their faces, looking alternately from each other to the sky and back, allowing themselves this bit of shared pleasure.

“It’s beautiful,” Mina breathed.

 “Yeah it is.” Momo agreed.  “I’m glad,” Momo turned to Mina, still having that incredible smile, “to see the fireworks together with you.”

Momo gave her the look, this one look where her eyes seemed sharper and her mouth quirked to a soft line. Mina knew this one look all too well. This one look that meant just for her.

Mina wanted to tell Momo everything, confessed to Momo about some feelings that seemed too crazy and terrifying because everything moved too fast, too overwhelming, and Mina was scared.

 “We’re not going anywhere,” Momo said, teasing. But she’s serious. She laughed when she kissed a stray tear on Mina’s cheek, lingering there. “And thanks for choosing me as your first love.”

Mina choked, but she’s laughing too. “You moron,” and she leaned to kiss Momo again, gentler this time with their lips brushing.

This was enough.

The future was scary, the growing pains would be scarier, and Mina didn’t know if she’s ready for all that. She brushed her hand over Momo’s cheeks and Momo pulled back, blinking.

“God, I’m still shaking.”

Momo just smiled and Mina pressed her forehead to Momo’s chest. The fireworks still painting the dark sky with their vibrant colors. The night was still long. One year was too fast. The future was still too far.

And yet, this was the only time they could have each other.

And it’s okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much.


	13. Tell Me What Is Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the rewrite version of this last chapter. I also add new dialogues and all because I just feel like it.
> 
> Do enjoy

 

 _It's been a long, long time_  
Since I've memorized your face  
It's been four hours now  
Since I've wandered through your place  
And when I sleep on your couch  
I feel very safe  
And when you bring the blankets  
I cover up my face

_Futile Devices – Sufjan Stevens_

 

The story ended before it even had the chance to begin.

They had it together but they seemed to lose it when they’re apart. She remembered about winter, about the fresh snow fell from the sky like a dust of diamond. That lone snowfield became their playground as they roll around the snow with their laughter echoed through the dark sky. They had nothing but stupid dreams and false hope for the future, and there’s a happiness living in ignorance.

Spring came in a cool breeze. Seoul was a big city and everyone was out there celebrating. Mina and Momo were there too, in between the crowds, as they counted down the remaining time. There were laughter and joy, tears and regrets, and Mina kissed Momo deeply as she reminisced about the memories they had shared together. When they’re still strangers, when hatred was prevalent, and when their hearts inevitably connected as they fell too deep into love.

School was grueling, nothing new, and Mina helped Momo with her studies. Summer came along with gentle rain and the calming cry of the cicadas. They went to the beach. The sea was wearing a deep, brilliant blue and both of them made a run along the sands, under the vast, cloudless sky.

October breezed in and sent dry leaves swaying. A puff of wind swept through Momo’s hair as they took a walk along the meadow in that chilly autumn afternoon—the city sounded so far and it felt like they’re existing in a completely different world. The sky was slowly turning to a deeper shade of orange.

 “Let’s take a picture,” Mina said with a camera in her hand. They sat atop of a small hill, shoes touching, fingers linking. Two crows were flying across the meadow, leaving a trail of echo as they disappeared into the woods.

Pictures, videos, she captured them all. She watched them with Momo in those sleepless nights. She held Momo close, smiling every time when Momo pointed something interesting that happened there, all the while ignoring the growing numbness that she painfully understood why. The photos, along with the videos, all of their memories, Mina treasured them all.

Both Mina and Momo had it together, in this only time when they had each other, and Mina reminded herself: _these memories will be ours forever_. Mina closed her eyes with her fingers curling around Momo’s wrist as she walked through the tall grass, autumn breeze smoothed along her face, and she wished for time to stand still.

That day was a piece of her memories. Memories where she said her goodbye, where she realized that this happiness was just another fleeting dream of impending loneliness.

 

Youth was a phase, a fleeting time when you thought there’s nothing could separate you. Then Mina remembered that she’s just a naïve, hopeless romantic as she always was. And worse of all, Mina was in love, in love with Momo, in love with the growing pains—

She had loved Momo for the first time.

And there’s nothing in this world that could tell her to stop loving Momo.

*

She walked down the pavement. Fingers buried deep inside her coat. It’s still a bit cold but nothing much. Pink and white petals were scattered on the street; some of them fell into the river below. She looked up and took her time to observe the cherry blossoms around her. Nishinomiya was a beautiful city with beautiful people; a city that’s ordinary and a place where Mina could call her home.

The sad thing was, and it’s something that Mina could never deny, that feeling was something that’s not easy to alter.

Mina remembered it all, the memories of spring seven years ago. The autumn, the meadow, the crisp air, the solitude, and the growing sorrow when she realized that her love was over. They were so vivid, stored permanently on the back of her mind, and there’s always a surge of melancholy on the tiny nook of her heart every time she remembered about them.

“You’re quiet today,” her brother called out. He was walking beside her. “Spring fever?”

“Not really,” she shook her head. “I’m just thinking. It’s been awhile since the last time I’m here.”

Her brother chuckled. “Do you remember that you always said that you’re sick of this city and can’t wait to move out?”

Mina responded with a wry smile. “All teenagers said that. And after they realized life is not always in their favor, they shamelessly returned to the comfort of their parent’s house.”

Kai gave Mina a sideway glance. “But you’re not like that.”

“Am I? Did you forget what father said to me?”

“I would do the same,” Kai pointed. His steps were measured as he crossed the street with Mina following him. “Well, it’s not like I’m gonna kick your ass and send you to the States like he did, but... he had a reason why he’s so _furious._ ”

Mina didn’t immediately answer. She’d be lying if that case didn’t leave a bad taste in her mouth. “He didn’t disown me. I count that as a blessing.”

Kai chuckled. “If he did that, I’ll be the first to object,” the older man gave Mina a kind smile with his hand on Mina’s head. “But seriously? A stripper? You’re intelligent, and to think that you did that to yourself is making me confused,” his voice trailed to a whisper to prevent anyone from listening.

Mina didn’t immediately reply. What else could she say? Mina was young back then. Young and incredibly stupid. In the end, she didn’t make anyone happy. Not herself, not even Momo.

“I wanted to get someone’s attention,” was all Mina could say. She shrugged. “I was _that_ desperate.”

Kai didn’t say anything. The look on his face was making her uncomfortable.“Maybe it’s true that love can make the smartest people turn into idiots.” Kai prompted after a while.

Mina laughed. A bit too bitter. “I was young,” she shrugged, “and apparently an idiot too.”

“How’s she anyway?”

“Who?”

“You know who I’m talking about,” Kai tried to goad Mina, only received a half-hearted laugh from his beloved sister. “Sana told me about it too.”

“I don’t know,” Mina answered, then she remembered Momo’s face again. “We parted on good terms. I haven’t called her since. Maybe she’s changed her numbers. Maybe she has a new girlfriend. Who knows?”

She bit the inside of her cheek and looked down. Kai didn’t say anything, and Mina couldn’t decide if it’s a good sign or not.

“Say, do you have any plan this evening?”

“No. Why?”

Kai scratched the scruff on his face. “I’m going out with my friends tonight. Wanna join me?” his face changed to a more persuasive smile when he saw Mina looking a bit reluctant. “We won’t do anything weird. Just drinking, getting to know people…” he then poked Mina on the cheek, “you haven’t been with anyone since you left Korea right?”

True. Mina didn’t think much about starting a relationship. She’s fine with hookups and dates, but a serious relationship was still out in the gutter.

Mina just nodded, didn’t bother to break a smile.

“I’ll think about it.”

*

Law school was never a part of her plan. Mina preferred to apply for a ballet academy or business management. But Mina wasn’t thinking clearly that time and chose her major randomly. She picked law and, surprisingly, she enjoyed it. Mina was ambitious enough to do well and graduated with honor. Her professor offered her a job at a law firm in Chicago. Even the salary was generous.

Mina said no and went back to Japan. There, she worked on a law firm in Osaka.

Her flat was cheap and comfortable. She only needed a bed, desk, and a wardrobe. Other furnishings weren’t exactly needed. The place was located in the middle of the city with buildings became the sole view. The district was one of the busiest in Osaka, but the neighborhood was relatively calm and safe. Mina was acquainted with some of her neighbors. They’re friendly although a bit patronizing.

Her rounds ended around ten. Today was particularly exhausting with all the cases she’s currently handling. Mina didn’t bother to turn the lights on as she stepped inside, careful enough not to bump her toes to the night table.

She stood in the bathroom, the reflection in the mirror showed a young woman in a form-fitting blouse with her dark hair loose around the shoulder and the faint lines starting to appear in around her eyes. Long time ago, Mina rarely imagined what kind of person she would be when she reached her twenties. Now she’s twenty-five, matured, jaded, had her mistakes, and learned from them.

“Here’s looking at you, kid,” Mina muttered to herself. She observed her reflection, fingers on the mirror, as she tried to form a smile.

Mina sighed as she cupped the running water with her hands and washed her face.

Thin layer of dust flew off when Mina plopped herself onto the bed. Closing her eyes, she buried her face in the pillow. There’s a faint scent of jasmine and it’s enough to calm her on most days. She was too tired to change her clothes and groaned to herself when she remembered that she hadn’t ironed her laundry. _Whatever_ , she thought to herself.

But sleep didn’t come that easy for her. Mina stared at the dark ceiling, uncomfortable and somewhat annoyed for no reason. Her apartment was too silent, and in silence, Mina always thought about many things. Things like _what’s Momo doing right now_ because she’s that much of an idiot. Because there were always things she wanted to say. Because she couldn’t move on and she realized that she’s getting older with regrets still haunting her every night.

She opened her eyes. The room was still dark, and she’s still alone. There’s no Momo and that fact was enough for Mina to remind herself that she had to stop thinking for a while.

Her phone buzzed and Mina felt a shift in her gravity when she read the notification.

_Hey. It’s Momo._

She read the message, and it’s strange. The subtle tinge of familiarity sent her heart shift into her throat. Her fingers trembling as she read the second message.

_Can I see you?_

It felt like an accident.

*

Torrential rain was common these days.

It would come in after a humid afternoon. The street was full of black umbrellas as people moved around against the cold wind. Most stores had their windows shut to hold against the simmering rain.

There was a small restaurant placed neatly in between tall buildings, and it was usually full on rainy days. Some of the waiters were serving the customers, writing order in meticulous detail and wearing a polite smile on their faces.

Momo entered the place and hung up her damp jacket on the coat rack. She looked around and found a nice, secluded spot near the window. She ordered a cup of _café au lait._ Then she turned her laptop on and started to write.

Momo had been doing this since she graduated from culinary school: writing about food on her blog. She hadn’t reached the level of food critic yet, but Momo was honored to have some of her articles featured in some famous lifestyle magazines. There were pictures on the screen and Momo was staring at it carefully. Her nimble fingers moved on the keyboard as she typed, her thin lips muttering words softly under her breath.

 

Rain had stopped hours ago and most of the customers were gone when Momo finished writing. She watched some of the waiters already cleaning the tables, then there’s another one who’s mopping the floor.

Time almost arrived at 10 in the evening. Another customer came in. He’s wearing a gray suit with his tie loose around his collar. The new customer was a middle-aged man, thin-framed specs perched on his crooked nose. A waiter approached him, still with the same smile although it looked a bit strained. Exhaustion maybe. Momo could relate. The time she spent working with Chief Park back in Seoul was still fresh in her mind.

Seoul. Momo would be lying if she didn’t think about Seoul and everything she’d left behind in that city, but as years went by, Momo wasn’t sure if she could recall her time there without misplacing her memories. However, if there’s one thing she could remember, it was probably that mid-autumn day in the meadow where Mina said her goodbye.

Momo looked outside. There’s an image of Mina in her mind— she was wearing a red coat that day, her hair was dark and pulled up to a messy ponytail, and her cheeks were looking flushed as cool breeze swept along her face.

Momo remembered there was a tremble in Mina’s voice when she said her name. The kind of tremble that Momo didn’t have any idea what it was until it’s too late. Mina tried not to cry, obviously, because Mina rarely showed any weakness even though she’s hurting.

“I’m sorry,” that’s what Mina said.“Please, don’t forget about me,” Mina asked her, _begged_ , as she placed a slow kiss on Momo’s lips.

Momo just stood there. Sober but not there either. It’s like she’s drifting. At first, it didn’t hurt her. Everything was fine… _except_ there’s a hollow that seemed to grow as she watched tears rolling down Mina’s cheeks.

Momo didn’t cry that day, she didn’t even cry when she accompanied Mina to the airport. There’s no pain when Mina left her. And on the third day, at midnight, the realization that she’s alone finally hit her and Momo was helpless to stop herself from crying.

All of the sadness from that day came suddenly into her as a shaky breath went shuddering through her body. She wished she could put her longing into something more, a story perhaps, but there were many things she had forgotten, which in turn making Momo desperate for something worth remembering.

Momo scrolled through the contact on her phone. It amused her—in a morbid sort of way—that she could find Mina’s name almost too easy.

Mina’s number was staring back at her and Momo hesitated if she had to call Mina because she didn’t know if Mina would answer, or if Mina was still using this number because it had been seven years and she had no idea if Mina would want to answer her. It’d be awkward, there’s going to be a lot of pauses, and Momo still didn’t know how to rehearse her words.

But Momo was desperate—or maybe she just missed Mina. It was enough to quench whatever doubt she had in mind. She began to type _good evening_ and deleted it.

Too formal.

She tried again: _I miss you_.

Another delete.

It took more than ‘I miss you’ to fill those empty spaces. It took more than that for reliving everything that happened between them. Frustration bubbled up her chest as Momo stumbled through words. Her thumb was still hovering above the screen.

 _Hey, it’s Momo,_ she decided.

And there’s another one.

_Can I see you?_

*

It made everything a bit more complicated.

You couldn’t forget your first love. And it’s a little strange to receive a message from the said ‘first love’ out of nowhere. It almost felt like a slap to the wrist, if Mina could say it like that.

Mina, naturally, tried to keep her composure but then everything was thrown out of the window the moment she realized that _oh god it’s Momo. Momo’s sending me a message!_ She’s thinking of words and excuses, thinking of calling Sana even though she knew Sana would probably dead sleeping because, _really,_ it’s almost midnight and Mina was panicked.

And the universe seemingly didn’t want to stop messing with her because Mina met with Momo again. Well, not directly though. A lifestyle magazine was featuring Momo as one of the best rookie bloggers. There’s an interview too, mostly talked about Momo’s interest and some trivia about Momo’s personality, something that Mina already knew by heart.

But Mina’s eyes were cheaters because they returned to the glossy picture of Momo’s face, still grinning that incredible smile, and her hair was shorter and returned to its natural color. Momo was wearing a deep blue sleeveless vest that showed her toned arms, a v-neck plain white tee, and black skinny jeans.

The style was _very_ Momo. Simple, honest. Mina bought that magazine and reread everything. She stared at Momo, stared at the beauty that once belonged to her, and she remembered that she belonged to Momo once upon a time.

“Here,” Sana pranced into her apartment that night, dragging her suitcase while pushing a paper bag that suspiciously smelled like cheeseburgers to Mina’s chest. Mina was just arrived from work, still wearing her working attire, and watched Sana throwing herself onto her bed.

Mina opened her mouth to ask but Sana beat her to it. “Before you ask, I have a schedule overseas tomorrow morning. Since your apartment is close to the airport, I’m going to sleep here for tonight.”

“And where should I sleep?” Mina grumbled, closing the door and walking to the bed where Sana was lying.

The other girl sent a wink at Mina. “We can sleep together. You can be my little spoon, Mina.”

Mina rolled her eyes, but she’s laughing at the suggestion. “You’re drunk and you should stop talking.” She then put Sana’s suitcase on the corner near the wardrobe and put the paper bag on the desk. Mina then went to the kitchen and returned with two mugs of tea and a plate. “So what brings you here, player? Another scandal?”

There’s a glint in Sana’s eyes as she glared at Mina through the pillow’s gap. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

Mina smiled and sat on the carpet, legs crossed. She inhaled the scent of jasmine, slowly drinking her tea in slow sips. “Really? I thought to have a rumor that you’re going to debut as a porn actress is bad enough.”

Sana groaned and kicked her feet on the bed. “That’s preposterous and my dad will personally castrate everyone in the agency if that ever happened.”

Mina chuckled, almost choking on her tea. Even after all these years, Sana’s eloquent choice of words always made her laugh.

“Only God knows whether your virgin fanboys would be pleased with that fact, or the other way around.” She stopped laughing when she caught a glimpse of furious look in Sana’s eyes. “Sorry. Don’t mind me.”

Sana let out a groan and turned her back. “I’m not an idol anymore and I wish people stop treating me like one. I chose to become an actress so I don’t have to deal with petty gossip like this!”

Mina could share the sentiment. It was hard for Mina to forget about her past too. Even though her father did everything in his power to cover the fact that he had a former stripper as a daughter, it didn’t stop some nosy people from digging up dirt on Mina. That was also the main reason why her father sent her to the States. 

“Anyway, I’m going to stay here for tonight. I can’t sleep with _journalists_ hogging on my window,” Sana concluded with a wave of her hand. Picking up a magazine from the nightstand, Sana skimmed through the pages with an uninterested look, her other hand was holding the tea mug. The skimming stopped when she reached a certain page.

“Ah, this is…” Sana mulled, tapping her fingers on the page. “It’s Hirai Momo right?”

“Yeah,” Mina answered. She tried to focus on the greasy taste of the beef instead of giving a clear reply to Sana’s question.

“Well, that’s kinda anticlimactic. I thought you’re going to give a better response than just ‘yeah’,” Sana accused. She ignored the annoyed look Mina gave her. “What? You still can’t move on?”

She received no response.

“Mina, it’s been seven years,” she said with a sigh. “You should go out, find other pretty girls to hook up. It’s not healthy to keep hanging on the past.”

“I have moved on,” Mina replied. She missed the dubious look on Sana’s face.

“Then why do you always look so somber and sad every time Hirai’s name is mentioned?”

Mina’s fingers twitched, and she sat stupefied on her own thoughts.

“Momo sent me a message. Last week,” Mina swallowed, fumbled with a napkin and wiped her grease-stained finger on it. “She said she wanted to see me,” she added it too. Mina glanced at her bag where her phone was. “I haven’t replied to her.”

“Hm,” Sana chirped, returning to the magazine without adding too much pause. “It’s like those in the drama: ‘ _my past has come to haunt me!_ ’” her voice went lower and understandably exaggerated for dramatic purpose.

“More like my past has come uninvited to bother me,” Mina murmured.

 “You bothered Hirai when you first met her. Then she bothered you without explicitly saying that she wants you back,” Sana chuckled at that. “You and Hirai were really made for each other.”

And just like that, Mina felt her heart beat a little faster. “You think so?”

Being an adult had taught Mina to be more skeptical, especially when it came to love. Then again, love was nothing more than a fantasy for young dreamers. Mina wasn’t young anymore, and she’s surely _not_ a dreamer.

Sana ignored her. “You miss her too, don’t you?”

It took a while for Mina to respond. A muffled noise of television from the room next door bounced against the wall. Mina paused to sip her tea and listened.

“Hey, Myoui- _san_?”

Mina hummed. Her answer remained simple.

“I do.”

_I do._

_I always do._

*

Momo woke up to the constant ringing of her phone. A groan escaped her throat when the digital clock showed that it’s three in the morning. Her fingers grasping at the nightstand and found the phone. Momo was too tired to check on the ID. If this was from the editor, Momo would quickly shut them with another excuse.

“Yeah?”

A beat. Momo could hear the other side of the connection. For a moment, it’s just dead air and white noise. Momo clicked her tongue, prepared to lash out at whomever at the other side of the line when a voice broke through.

_“Hello?”_

Momo pulled her phone and checked the display. The number showed that the caller was from Kansai area. Momo suddenly didn’t feel so sleepy anymore.

“Mina?”There was that silent again. Momo slowly sat up, legs crossing on the bed. “Mina, you there?”

 _“I’m here,”_ a pause, “ _How you’ve been doing, Momo?”_

Momo didn’t have a certain answer for that, so she brought her phone closer to her mouth. She sat straighter and all exhaustion left her almost immediately. Her teeth bit the inside of her cheek.

“Good. Somewhat.”

There was a hum. Momo decided to get up from the bed and walked to the kitchen. She needed a drink, especially now. No way she would deal with this while sober.

_“I… got your message.”_

The dim light from inside of the fridge illuminated the darkness of her apartment room. Her fridge was practically empty, save for some instant foods and a couple cans of beer. She decided to go for a beer for tonight.

“And you took a week to call me back,” Momo replied. The tone of her voice was sharpening. It sounded like an accusation. But Mina was laughing, not mocking or anything.

_“Always playing the grumpy one between us. Seven years didn’t change you that much, Hirai.”_

Momo felt something warm creeping on her face. “Yeah,” Momo sighed, rubbing her face. “It’s been too long,” Momo tried again. “Your voice sounds different from what I remember.”

 _“Like an adult?”_ there’s a pause as if both of them tried to get to know each other again. Momo listened to the soft breathing. It went in rhythm, in soft pulse, and Momo let her shoulders relax. _“I never thought you’d call me first.”_

“I have my moments.”

Mina laughed. _“Right. You always knew how to make your way to my heart after all.”_

Momo was clutching her phone like some sort of lifeline. It was weird to listen to Mina’s voice again. It was weirder that Momo didn’t seem to able to say anything about it too. Momo inhaled deeply, feeling something cracked inside her chest, and needles began poking at the back of her eyes.

“Don’t say stupid things like that.”

 _“It’s not stupid,”_ Mina insisted and Momo leaned against the counter. Something about that word made Momo feel weirdly nostalgic. _“You’re always better at this.”_

“If I were better, things would never end up this way,” Momo said suddenly. There’s a tinge of uncertainty in her voice. “It’s been too long and we still can’t talk to each other without awkward pauses and all.”

There’s a dry laugh on the other side. _“Either we fight or we don’t even talk at all. That’s what we did back then.”_

Momo looked around the empty room, feeling memories after memories coming at her in a merciless wave. She wondered if Mina felt the same too.

“I miss you, Mina,” Momo husked, confessed, and the words lingered between them. There were things that remained unspoken. Momo didn’t want to be the only one to bare her soul because she thought it’d be unfair, because Mina _left her first_ , and Momo was always this clumsy girl fumbling with her feelings.

There’s a long, dense beat stretching between them. Momo almost sure that Mina hung up on her.

Mina made another sound, close to a chuckle. Momo listened to every noise, to every rustle, and could picture Mina was probably sitting on a chair, her hair loose, and her long legs were stretched out to a comfortable position. It’s scary how vivid her imagination now.

_“I read your interview. You’re a food blogger now?”_

Momo closed her eyes. She knew Mina purposely avoiding this topic. Momo was disappointed, but she understood that Mina must have had a hard time too.

“It’s my side job. I’m still working as a chef,” Momo moved back to her bed and lay on her stomach. “Well, I work on a small café in town. You should come visit.”

_“Really? Where is it?”_

“It’s in Tokyo. I’ll send you the address. This is your new number?”

_“Just send it to my old number.”_

A smile began to form on Momo’s lips, “Cool. I’ll do it after this.” Strange nervousness quickly quenched any last hopelessness she’s currently feeling. “Uh, just make sure you drop by when you visit.”

Mina’s voice was measured.

 _“Yeah. I’ll be.”_ Mina was laughing softly. _“Goodnight Momo.”_

Momo lowered her phone. The screen reflected in her eyes as she read the notification:

4 minutes 25 seconds.

Her heart crawled into her throat. The cool air of her room started to creep along her heated neck. She stared at the screen again and memorized the time she had spent talking to Mina. And the memories they shared together seven years ago returned to her in small waves.

The pictures.

The videos.

She started to remember everything.

*

Sana frowned. There’s something heavy hugging on her belly. Sana’s eyes cracked open and as she looked down, she found Myoui Mina was hugging her tight. Sana tried to move but Mina’s arms were secured around her waist.

The bed was too small for both of them and Sana had to keep still if she didn’t want to fall off the bed. Mina was wearing the old ‘I Love Osaka’ shirt, her hair had come undone, messy and sticking on her forehead.

Sana huffed. “And you said you want to sleep on the futon alone.”

*

Tokyo Station was full with people when Mina arrived.

She stepped into the main lobby, holding her duffle bag with one hand while the other one was busy typing something on her phone.  This trip was an accident. Mina didn’t really want to go.

“You should go,” her boss, Takamaki Sojiro, told her two days ago. He put a train ticket and a pamphlet on the desk. “Take a vacation or something.”

“Um,” Mina blinked, watching Sojiro from behind her desk. Her fingers were hovering above the keyboard and there’s a stack of documents next to her desktop. It’s eleven at night and Mina didn’t seem to stop on her task any time soon. “Sorry, but what’s this?” she said. Then she’s eyeing the pamphlet on her desk. “Are you going on vacation?”

Sojiro shook his head. “Seriously you need to take a break, Myoui. Look at you,” he pointed at Mina with a judging glare. “Your eyes look like they’re ready to pop out. And you look thinner than last month.”

“But I don’t want to,” Mina refused, more like whining. That earned her a disgusted glare from Sojiro.

“Boss order is absolute,” Sojiro closed the monitor of Mina’s laptop. The tone of his voice was stern but kind. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, Myoui. You’re still young, go out and have fun while you can.”

Mina blinked up as she watched the bustling street of Tokyo. Her idea of a vacation was mostly sleeping all day but Sojiro had bought her tickets and Mina thought it’d impolite if she didn’t go.

She trudged along the pavement with the back of her hand wiping on her forehead. For now, she had to find somewhere cool to rest. The heat was brutalizing her body and her blood felt like it was boiling inside her. Mina began searching for a nearest café or restaurant and stopped when she remembered about something.

Café Lavenza. It’s in Shibuya, quite close from where she’s now. Mina hesitated. _Should I go there?_ She thought to herself. Momo would be there—definitely be there, and that scared her.

But she’s here. There’s no turning back now.

Mina turned around.

*

Shibuya was a busy district. With trendy shops and high-paced energy, it’s difficult to find a place to breathe easy. Yet, there is a small, modest building that stood like a shy celebrity between the concrete jungle of buildings. The exterior was colored in a soft brown paint with the name of the café was written on the glass pane in stylish letters. The sign hanging on the door spelled ‘open’ and Mina could see some people coming in and out from that place. The bell on the door jingled as Mina slipped inside.

“Welcome,” a friendly waiter greeted her. It’s a girl, probably on her late teen. “Do you want to eat here or take out?”

“Here.”

The girl grinned and showed Mina her table near the window. Then she handed Mina the menu. Mina raised a brow when she read the food list.

“Only curry?”

“Yes. Curry is our main dish along with coffee. Would you like a recommendation? We have a special menu too.”

“I’ll take the regular one,” Mina relented with a smile. She flipped the page and stared at the selection of beverages. “And cold barley tea please.”

The waiter left and Mina was alone with her thoughts again. She looked around. It was a pleasant café, warm, with sunlight shining through the window. There was a fragrant on the air served from the coffee cabinet from behind the bar. A jukebox was playing a soft music; there were pictures hanging on the wall. Mina let her neck go slack, feeling the calming atmosphere seeping through her skin.

“Hi.”

Mina froze. Opening her eyes, she saw Momo slid into the chair in front of her. Momo’s face was neutral. She didn’t smile, but she didn’t look like she’s angry either. Momo’s voice was pleasant and Mina thought that fate was too cruel to her.

“Hello,” she replied and was glad her voice didn’t break. Momo’s gaze was sharp. Mina steeled herself to give Momo the same impression.

“So you’ve come,” Momo nodded, then propped her chin with her hand. “It’s a surprise visit, right?” Momo concluded, mostly to herself. “Our last contact was two months ago and you didn’t even call me back or anything—and I thought I did something wrong.” Momo had her hair pulled up and showed off her long neck. “But now you’re coming here without telling me.”

“My boss told me to take a break,” Mina said, stumbling in words, and she averted her gaze elsewhere. “I found this coffee shop by chance, honestly.”

Momo arched a brow. “By _chance_?”

Mina shrugged. She knew Momo saw through her lies because that skeptical look wasn’t that hard to miss. “It’s hot outside,” Mina added. “And I don’t know any place in Shibuya, so I just followed the address you gave me,” she said too. Mina was never ready to look at Momo in the face. Not when her mouth wasn’t correctly wired to her brain.

“Of course,” Momo’s voice was dry. “I’m glad you found this place.”

Mina peered up. This time, a faint smile formed on the corner of Momo’s lips.

Something lodged in Mina’s throat. She averted her gaze again, nails picking up at her tattered jeans. “Yeah,” Mina swallowed. She couldn’t stop now. Mina trailed off, again still looking downward because she was scared of what kind of things she’d do if she looked at Momo now. “I’m glad that I found you.”

Momo was still looking at her—worse, Momo was smiling at her. The same smile that Mina treasured dearly, the smile that made Mina feel like she’s eighteen again. It was ridiculous. Mina wanted to slap herself for this.

“Have you ordered?”

Mina nodded. “O-oh, yeah. Curry and iced tea.”

Momo huffed—more playful than condescending. “You have to try the special menu,” Momo commented as she stood from the chair with Mina could only watch in fascination. “Let me cook up something for you.”

“W-wait, you don’t have to—”

The words died when Mina felt a hand on top of her hair. “You’re a special guest. It’s on the house,” Momo’s fingers were sort of caressing Mina’s face. Her thumb grazed on the corner of Mina’s lips. “I always knew we’re going to be awkward if we met again,” she held a smile. “I thought I’d be the bumbling one, but seeing you here with that lost look on your face,” she shrugged, “I guess we’re just that bad in a reunion.”

Mina’s face was red. And this time it wasn’t because of the summer heat.

“Of course you’d say that,” Mina grumbled.

And of course, even after all these years, there’s a part of Mina that never changed.

*

For a reunion, this might be the blandest one. Mina was eating her lunch alone while Momo was busy cooking for other customers, although Mina was blushing when she caught Momo smiling at her from behind the counter. Mina had to remind herself that she’s an adult but the rule seemed to disintegrate almost instantly every time Momo was looking at her.

“You look red,” Momo greeted after a while. She’s wearing a black apron on top her shirt, her hair was pinned so it wouldn’t prick on her face when she cooked. There’s a thin sheen of sweat on her forehead. “The curry is too hot for you?”

Mina put down her spoon. She still refused to stare at Momo directly. She preferred to play around with the paper napkin. “It’s just the heat. The curry is good though.”

“You look thinner than I remembered.”

“Seven years is a long time,” Mina replied, half-serious, half-groaning, and she got a bit irritated because she knew that Momo was teasing her. “You look different yourself.”

“Meh. I smell more like coffee these days,” Momo shrugged as she leaned on her chair, the tip of her shoes brushed against Mina’s leg. Both of them noticed this.

Mina eyed Momo. It’s curiosity, Mina was sure of it. “I think it’s cool.” When Momo sent her a questioning look, Mina quickly added an explanation—which made her even more nervous. “I mean, coffee isn’t a bad smell at all. I think it makes you cool, somewhat.”

 _Oh my lord, Myoui Mina what are you saying?_ Mina could feel another heat creeping on her face and she was ready to run out of the shop if it meant to salvage her nonexistent dignity.

Momo laughed. Warm. Kind of nostalgic. And Mina looked up.

“That’s a very unlike you to say,” Momo said, amused. “Where did the seductive, charming Myoui Mina go?”

“She’s changed to a better person,” Mina jibed, sort of regretting the blunt tone in her voice. Mina decided not to elaborate more.

Momo’s expression changed as if she’s remembering something painful.

“She sure has,” Momo muttered, voice heavy. Then she gave Mina that look again. “You’re here but…” the other girl bit her lip and shook her head. Something in her gesture was looking reluctant. “I have a feeling that I don’t know anything about you anymore.”

Mina took the statement like a punch on the gut. She took another sip of her barley tea—an excuse to calm her overbearing nerves.

“There’s a lot going on,” she offered. It’s the truth, but Mina felt like she’s telling a lie. She looked outside, where the sky was bright and the sun was unforgiving. She listened to the noises around her. Everyone was sitting at their table, enjoying their lunch in a hush of quiet conversation. She saw Momo was looking at her in the window reflection, bold and curious.

Mina felt trapped.

“My shift ends in ten minutes,” Momo stated. “Let me finish up, then we can talk.”

Mina didn’t refuse, more like _couldn’t_ refuse. Momo looked like she wouldn’t accept no for an answer either. She offered a nod to Momo and the latter left her without a word.

*

They ended up in the parking lot.

Momo’s car was an old type of Citroën H Van and Mina didn’t have the slightest idea how Momo could get her hands on it. The decal was a chromatic black with a yellow stripe painted on the roof. The van was gaudy, a bit out of time because, really, Momo was probably the only person in Tokyo who drive in this old car.

Mina stared at the van with a raised brow.“Did you buy this relic from a museum?”

Momo pouted. “That’s rude. It’s not easy to find this old man, you know?” the girl replied as she unlocked the car door.

Mina smiled. “It’s cute, although you can pick a better color,” Mina proposed as she took the passenger side door. She caught a whiff of coffee the moment she settled in.

Momo followed in. The engine purred as it came to life. “Wear your seatbelt. Don’t wanna have a flack with police. There are a lot of patrols these days.”

“Where are we going?” Mina inquired, curious.

Momo’s answer was fleeting.

“Dunno,” the van eased away from the parking lot and pulled into the traffic. “I just want to spend my time with you.”

Mina relented and leaned her head on the window, feeling the silence getting thicker as seconds went by. It was a stifling afternoon as another heat wave had made its way to the city. The asphalt was burning under the blinding sunlight. The air conditioner was on its full power but it’s not enough to quench the heat.

“So… what did you do in the past years?”

Mina glanced at Momo but the other girl was looking at the street instead.

“I graduated from a law school,” Mina shrugged her answer. “I work on a law firm in Osaka now.”

Momo snorted. “Damn,” the girl cussed, amazed. “I know you’re one of them who can do almost anything, but a lawyer…” Momo shook her head and laughed, completely missing the embarrassed fidget from Mina. “Maybe you can be a politician too if you’re serious about it.”

“It’s nothing special,” Mina mulled. She tucked her hair behind her ear.

“You always do that,” Momo commented at the gesture, “doing that hair thing when you’re embarrassed.” The car slowed when it reached the intersection before it stopped completely near the traffic light. “I’m glad you’re doing the best for yourself.”

 “I didn’t have a choice,” she rubbed her eyes. “I had a lot to prove, and I just did what I know best.”

A moment passed in another silence between them. Momo smiled. It’s a soft grin, a mellow turn of her lips. Mina didn’t miss the subtle pain behind those clear eyes. “And?” Momo prodded softly, “did you ever think it would be this way?”

“No,” Mina mouthed her answer quicker before her brain could make up another false response. “I thought things would have been different.”

“Right?,” Momo pondered with a slow nod. She sent Mina a brief look. “I thought the same too.”

Mina swallowed.

_Worst reunion ever._

*

For the rest of the afternoon, the conversation between them was mostly about the city with Momo sometimes acted like a seasoned tour guide and told Mina everything she knew about the places they’re visiting. It’s amusing to see Momo babbling the detailed history of Imperial Palace and Meiji Shrine, complete with the important dates and all. Mina knew that Momo hated history as much as it hated her, so seeing Momo could easily talking about historical landmarks made Mina feel somewhat proud.

Momo approached Mina, a can of cold soda in her hand. They stopped at the small park near the Palace. Their table was a bit far from the stall. The sun was almost set and the temperature had turned down to a more merciful degree. Mina accepted the soda and pressed the cool tin on the side of her neck.

“Did you have fun?” Momo asked, plopping to her seat next to Mina.

“I felt like an elementary student listening to tour guide.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

Momo’s face was curious. It’s adorable, somewhat. Mina let out a laugh.

“It’s fun,” she answered and Momo was smiling again. “It seems you and history has found a common ground now.”

There was a low hiss when Momo opened her drink. “Learning history ain’t that bad. And I had an excellent tutor too,” she glanced at Mina before looking forward. “It’d be embarrassing if I didn’t make any progress right?”

Mina puffed her chest. “Aren’t you a bit cocky?” she said playfully. Her body moved on its own as she reached out and gave Momo a small pat on the cheek. They shared a look and Momo replied by leaning on Mina’s hand. Her fingers slipped around Mina’s wrist to keep her close.

Mina cleared her throat and pulled away, a bit too fast to her own liking. It felt nice to feel Momo again after all this time, but Mina knew better.

For some time, they enjoyed the view before them. The park was small but pretty, and people were looking like they’re having a great time here. The city was bustling behind them but it wasn’t enough to break the comfort between the two of them.

“How long are you going to stay here?”

Mina gripped the can with both of her hands. “Three days.”

 “Okay,” a beat. “Where are you staying?”

“Why do I feel that you want me to stay with you?” Mina caught a surprised look at Momo’s feature. Her mouth wrinkled in some sort of delight. “Don’t worry. My boss has booked a hotel for me in Chiyoda,” Mina surprised herself that she’s still able to tease Momo like this.

“Hotels in Chiyoda are quite expensive.”

“There’s a useful thing called ‘corporate rate’, you know,” Mina swallowed her drink and licked the soda off her lips. “It helps, especially when you travel a lot.”

“You sound very busy.”

“I like to keep busy,” was the only excuse Mina managed to say. “It helps to keep my mind off things I don’t need.”

“Yeah. I know you do,” Momo agreed.

Mina snorted. “I was surprised when I received your message,” she pointed out. “I never thought you’d be the first to call me.”

Momo laughed. “I didn’t lie when I said I miss you.”

That sounded like a confession. Momo’s voice was careful, sort of she’s trying not to open up too much, and it reflected on her face, from the tightness of her lips to the way she’s looking at Mina.

“Momo, I…”

“It’s fine,” Momo muttered. “For now, let’s just enjoy what we have.”

No. _No,_ she thought. _This wasn’t right_. Momo had been waiting for seven years. There’s a lot of empty spaces between them and Mina felt the gap was getting wider every second. She held onto her drink, feeling the tin cracked under her fingers.

“So where do you want to go now?”

Mina went quiet for a while. “Is the ferris wheel still open?”

“That’s a date spot, you know.”Momo joked,

Mina’s mouth worked faster before her brain could process the entire thing. “We technically are having a date now,” then she blushed at her own stupid slip. Her face dropped. “Just shut up and take me there, please…”

Mina was still cursing under her breath when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Sure,” Momo told her, “let’s go.”

*

They arrived at the ferris wheel right after the sun had set.

Mina stood by the glass window while Momo was sitting on the sofa behind her. Three hundred and seventy-seven feet above the ground, Tokyo after dark looked like a miniature city with lights flickering and flaring up. The sight was like from a dream Mina had years ago: an ocean of lights where she wished she could drown in it.

“It’s beautiful.”

Mina almost jumped but Momo tucked her fingers on the side of Mina’s wrist to keep her close. She turned to her side; her breathing came out a bit terse. It was too close. Mina had nowhere to run now.

“Thank you for today,” Mina mumbled. It felt a little awkward because there were important things she should have said. She tried to get away from Momo, but her gesture was reluctant.

Momo laughed at that. She scratched the back of her neck with a sheepish smile. “Don’t mention it. I had fun showing you around too.”

Mina chuckled together with Momo. The faint lights from below reflected on her face. “Even though all we did was visiting the Imperial Palace and other tourist attraction.”

 “Hey, I can’t miss a chance to brag my newly found knowledge about history to you now, can I?” Momo shrugged. She fished something out from her jacket and handed it to Mina. “Keep it.”

“A charm?”

“For a happy and long lasting life,” Momo replied. She took Mina’s hand and held it close to her heart, “You work really hard and I think you deserve a little protection,” she added, each word punctuated with care.

Mina’s stomach dropped and she hated this feeling. It felt too sudden and misplaced. “You can’t do this”

A delicate brow raised at the statement. “Why?”

“Does this feel awkward to you?” Mina asked, more like cut in. She didn’t hesitate. If she had to end this now, might as well make it as blunt as possible. “Seeing me again. It’s weird right?”

She listened to Momo’s breathing, easy and measured.

“It feels kinda weird,” Momo relented, hesitate.

“Then why are you keep doing this to me?” Mina questioned, feeling anger bubbling inside her.

Momo sighed. Her hair bounced to the side as she shook her head. “Why do you say it like I’m punishing you?

“Because it is!” Mina winced, feeling like it’s someone else’s voice that’s coming out from her lips. “I can’t stand being close to you. You know it’d be awkward for us to meet again, but you’re still doing this to me. And to see you acting like this, so carefree like you forgot that I’d done terrible things to you,” she growled and pinched her eyes shut. “I have many things to say to you. I want to feel excited when I receive your message. I want to talk to you and ask about things you’ve been doing all these years.” Mina breathed and seeing Momo standing in front of her, _surrendered_ in front of her, only made her heart twist even more. “I want to say that I _miss you_ too without feeling guilty for leaving you.”

Momo was quiet. The ferris wheel was turning on its slow pace; there’s a small shake and shudder. Mina couldn’t think about anything other than keeping herself from crying.

But all her excuses were out of the door as soon as Momo closed the distance between the two of them, and all Mina could smell was the scent of coffee and sweat, and the callused pads of Momo’s fingers as they slowly made her way up her cheeks. Her brain was spinning a mile, there was a chaos brimming inside, and Mina was panicked. Again.

“No, Momo. Please—”

“Listen to me,” Momo ordered, holding Mina’s face close until their foreheads touched. “You remember the last time we see each other? That day in the meadow?”

Mina didn’t resist when Momo pulled her to a hug. She felt Momo’s hot breath ghosting on her neck, Momo’s fingers on her back, clutching her body close.

“It felt like a long time ago,” Momo whispered. Her breath caught and she pressed Mina closer to her. “Seven years, Mina. Seven years and nothing between us. We have a lot to talk about but we don’t even know where or how to start,” Momo buried her nose in the crook of Mina’s neck. A very intimate gesture as she pressed her lips to the skin behind Mina’s ears. “Now, we’re here and…”

Mina felt her legs started to quiver. “And what?”

There’s no answer to that. The day Mina decided to leave her, Momo slowly came to a realization that this relationship they had would never work. And even though they made a promise to never forget, Momo always had a thought that maybe Mina never loved her—or worse, she never loved Mina at all.

It’s silly to think about it now, especially when she had Mina in her arms, to feel Mina again after all these years.

“Who are you, Mina?” the question caught both of them off guards. Mina turned her head to look at Momo but the other girl didn’t budge from her position. “Who are we, really?”

“I don’t know what to feel about _us_ anymore,” Mina said, eyes downward, the wires on her chest started to constrict. “There’s a moment when I was missing you so much and I couldn’t do anything about it, but at the same time I knew I deserved to be alone for everything I had done to you.”

It felt like a confession, one that brought a lot of memories. Mina almost laughed.

“And when I think I can move forward, I remember your face and..” it finally hit her and her eyes were starting to sting. “And seeing you here—it makes me so angry at you, _at myself_. Like, I can’t handle the fact that you probably hate me and I don’t know if you still love me or not—”

A gentle hand cupped Mina’s cheek and wiped the unstoppable tears from staining her beautiful face. Warm fingers tugged her chin and brought Mina face to face with the woman who had become a permanent resident in her mind since day one.

“I still love you,” Momo whispered. Her fingers thread into Mina’s hair and pulled Mina close. “And I want to try it again. For one last time.”

Momo kissed her first, her lips covering Mina’s, and everything was sort of bursting out. There was something different in this kiss; something that made Mina slowly losing her mind. All the missing years between them, the empty spaces, the fear and other different feelings were exploding as Mina's defense rapidly succumbing, she pressed her lips onto Momo's, resisting for a mere second before kissing Momo back.

They didn’t stop kissing until Mina pushed Momo gently by the shoulders, face beet red and her lips were looking a bit bruised from all the nips and licks. Her eyes wavered. Mina was tired, her knees didn’t even stop shaking. But Momo was here, and Momo was kissing her face, Momo’s lips were everywhere on Mina’s face like she’s trying to feel Mina again, to make up for the lost time.

“Mina,” Momo’s voice was soft. Mina shivered a little. “You’ve been ruining my life since the day we met,” she whispered, shifted her weight so she could pull Mina to her embrace. “And I hate you for that. I hate you for leaving me, I hate that you’re being unfair, but I’d be lying if I want anybody else in my life.”

Mina dug her nails into Momo’s back. _You didn’t deserve this_ , Mina reminded herself. Momo was too kind and, ironically, it only made her heart aching further.

“I don’t want to waste your time, Momo,” Mina confessed. “We have to move forward,” a sigh, a kiss slanted deeply on Momo’s lips, and Mina snuggled closer. Her fingers clenched on Momo’s shirt. “We can’t keep doing this.”

 “I am moving forward,” Momo scoffed, whispering onto the nook of Mina’s neck. “Seriously,” Momo insisted, “having you back in my life is just the first step.”

 “You’re an idiot,” Mina husked, taking Momo’s face in her hands. “You don’t have to go this far.”

“I know,” Momo reeled back and placed a kiss on Mina’s nose, “but I have to or else I won’t be able to see you again.”

A laugh escaped from Mina’s throat, sounding more like a sob, but there’s more to it. Maybe it was a relief; maybe it was happiness, sadness, and other things. What she knew: Momo’s body was warm, and her lips were warmer when Momo kissed her again.

And Mina felt like she’s sinking, a wave swept her away, water filling her lungs, and her life started to begin again.

_Let this be the last._

* * *

 

 

 


End file.
